Nitpick Archive 9

Here it is everybody. The WORST story of all time, finally getting riff-ed (again, probably).

I absolutely abhor this fucking shitty story, and I wonder what the fuck is so special about it that people make asses of themselves by writing rip-offs of this "story" and having shitfits when they get deleted from the Creepypasta Wiki.

This is the last time I'm ever going to read this fucking piece of shit in my life, so gather 'round boys and girls. Because I hate this story so much, this review is going to be peppered with curse words.

Excerpt from a local Newspaper:

Local where is never explained.

OMINOUS UNKNOWN KILLER IS STILL AT LARGE.

That's about the LAMEST nickname I ever heard! Oddly enough, it's rarely used in shitty fan sequels.

'''After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous unknown killer is still on the rise. After little evidence has been found, a young boy states that he survived one of the killer's attacks and bravely tells his story.'''

"I had a bad dream and I woke up in the middle of the night," says the boy, "I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though I remember it being closed before I went to bed. I got up and shut it once more. Afterwards, I simply crawled under my covers and tried to get back to sleep. That's when I had a strange feeling, like someone was watching me. I looked up, and nearly jumped out of my bed. There, in the little ray of light, illuminating from between my curtains, were a pair of two eyes. These weren't regular eyes; they were dark, ominous eyes. They were bordered in black and... just plain out terrified me. That's when I saw his mouth. A long, horrendous smile that made every hair on my body stand up. The figure stood there, watching me. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said it. A simple phrase, but said in a way only a mad man could speak.

"He said, 'Go To Sleep.' I let out a scream, that's what sent him at me. He pulled up a knife; aiming at my heart. He jumped on top of my bed. I fought him back; I kicked, I punched, I rolled around, trying to knock him off me. That's when my dad busted in. The man threw the knife, it went into my dad's shoulder. The man probably would've finished him off, if one of the neighbors hadn't alerted the police.

"They drove into the parking lot, and ran towards the door. The man turned and ran down the hallway. I heard a smash, like glass breaking. As I came out of my room, I saw the window that was pointing towards the back of my house was broken. I looked out it to see him vanish into the distance. I can tell you one thing, I will never forget that face. Those cold, evil eyes, and that psychotic smile. They will never leave my head."

I like how the fucking little kid talks like an adult who writes novels for a living, or some shit.

Police are still on the look for this man.

What man?! Jeff is a little 12 year old fucking kid!

If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, please contact your local police department.

And then, without any warning or transition, we jumpcut to Jeffy's family moving in.

Jeff and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood.

A DAY WHICH JEFF WOULD REGRET!

His dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it would be best to live in one of those "fancy" neighborhoods.

Apparently they didn't know what a "fancy" neighborhood was and moved into a house where they were surrounded by bullies and trash who couldn't afford proper home security systems.

Jeff and his brother Liu

What the fuck kind of name is Liu?! Did the dumbass author who wrote this think they were spelling "Lou"? I'm not sure if that's how it's pronounced, but that's how I'm reading it.

'''A new, better house. What was not to love? As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by.'''

"Hello," she said, "I'm Barbara;

Hello, Barbara, get the fuck off my property, my family and I are trying to unpack our belongings!

I live across the street from you.

"You would know that if you saw me walk across the street to your house."

Well, I just wanted to introduce my self and to introduce my son." She turns around and calls her son over. "Billy, these are our new neighbors." Billy said hi and ran back to play in his yard.

I bet Billy could write a better story than this!

'''"Well," said Jeff's mom, "I'm Margaret, and this is my husband Peter, and my two sons, Jeff and Liu." They each introduced themselves, and then Barbara invited them to her son's birthday. Jeff and his brother were about to object, when their mother said that they would love to.'''

OH NO!, HOW TERRIBLE! THEY HAVE TO GO TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY! OH HOW AWFUL! Fucking spoiled little pussy assed bitches!

When Jeff and his family are done packing, Jeff went up to his mom.

"Mom, why would you invite us to some kid's party? If you haven't noticed, I'm not some dumb kid."

You're right. You're not some dumb kid. You're some dumb kid who bitches about getting free cake! Literally, the only person in the whole fucking world who cries about free cake!

"Jeff," said his mother,

... being the only sensible one at this point. Seriously, are we supposed to feel sorry for these little shits? Guess what kids, you'll have to go to birthdays when you're adults too, so get used to it.

"We just moved here; we should show that we want to spend time with our neighbors. Now, we're going to that party, and that's final."

I like how she's being all reasonable and shit, and we're supposed to act like she's an asshole because she's making her little brats eat free cake, and other reasonable demands.

'''Jeff started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that he couldn't do anything. Whenever his mom said something, it was final.'''

You could tell this was written by a child who thinks PARENTZ R EVUL!

He walked up to his room and plopped down on his bed.

Depressed little emo cunt. CUT YOUR WRISTS!

'''He sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a weird feeling. Not so much a pain, but... a weird feeling.'''

He finally hit puberty.

He heard his mother call him down to get his stuff, and he walked down to get it.

Too bad a brain wasn't one of those things.

'''The next day, Jeff walked down stairs to get breakfast and got ready for school. As he sat there, eating his breakfast, he once again got that feeling. This time it was stronger.'''

If this weren't sloppily written, and actual care was taken into it, the author would have gone into detail what this "feeling" felt like.

It gave him a slight tugging pain, but he once again dismissed it.

HE'S TURNING INTO THE HULK!

As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to the bus stop.

They stand next to Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny.

'''They sat there waiting for the bus, and then, all of a sudden, some kid on a skateboard jumped over them, only inches above their laps. They both jumped back in surprise. "Hey, what the hell?"'''

Here's where the story takes a nosedive by introducing the cartoon characters... I mean "bullies".

'''The kid landed and turned back to them. He kicked his skate board up and caught it with his hands. The kid seems to be about twelve; one year younger than Jeff.'''

You mean "older". LOL!

He wears a Aeropostale shirt and ripped blue jeans.

In other words, he looked homeless, and they were afraid he was going to beg them for money or a sandwich.

'''"Well, well, well. It looks like we got some new meat." Suddenly, two other kids appeared. One was super skinny and the other was huge.'''

Of course they were, these are cartoon bullies.

'''"Well, since you're new here, I'd like to introduce ourselves, over there is Keith." Jeff and Liu looked over to the skinny kid. He had a dopey face that you would expect a sidekick to have.'''

CARTOON BULLEEEEZ!

'''"And he's Troy." They looked over at the fat kid. Talk about a tub of lard. This kid looked like he hadn't exercised since he was crawling.'''

Yet somehow doesn't have diabetes, or other health problems that would have costed him a limb.

"And I," said the first kid, "am Randy.

In England "randy" means horny. Can you imagine being British and reading this as "And I am horny"?

Now, for all the kids in this neighborhood there is a small price for bus fare, if you catch my drift." Liu stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the kid's eyes

It's by now we realize that both Jeff and Liu are little thugs and would have ended up in such a situation anyway.

when one of his friends pulled a knife on him.

POINTLESS VIOLENCE MAKES IT SCARY, U GUIZE!

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, I had hoped you would be more cooperative, but it seems we must do this the hard way."

Story logic

> Moves to a "fancy" new neighborhood.

> Neighborhood has homeless child-bullies.

'''The kid walked up to Liu and took his wallet out of his pocket. Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a burning sensation.'''

"Try new Head and Shoulders shampoo and conditioner."

'''He stood up, but Liu gestured him to sit down. Jeff ignored him and walked up to the kid.'''

LOL, your brother made you look like a bitch in front of the bullies! Now you're really gonna get your ass kicked.

'''"Listen here you little punk, give back my bro's wallet or else." Randy put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own knife.'''

Did Jeff say that? You see author, when you don't tell us stuff, it is hard for us to decipher.

'''"Oh? And what will you do?" Just as he finished the sentence, Jeff popped the kid in the nose.'''

I'M GONNA BOP YOU ON, GIRL!

'''As Randy reached for his face, Jeff grabbed the kid's wrist and broke it. Randy screamed and Jeff grabbed the knife from his hand. Troy and Keith rushed Jeff, but Jeff was too quick. He threw Randy to the ground. Keith lashed out at him, but Jeff ducked and stabbed him in the arm. Keith dropped his knife and fell to the ground screaming. Troy rushed him too, but Jeff didn't even need the knife. He just punched Troy straight in the stomach and Troy went down. As he fell, he puked all over. Liu could do nothing but look in amazement at Jeff.'''

The author was probably imagining this some "awesome" anime battle, or some shit. For the rest of us, this is just lame.

'''"Jeff how'd you?" that was all he said.'''

Because when he gets angry he becomes the Hulk!

They saw the bus coming and knew they'd be blamed for the whole thing.

For no reason these little assholes with victim complexes assumed everyone would be sooooooo mean to them, even though Jeff-Solo fired first.

So they started running as fast as they could.

Why, I thought they were already at the stop. You know, where the bus is supposed to halt for passengers to get in?

As they ran, they looked back and saw the bus driver rushing over to Randy and the others.

Oh, they ran because they were pussies and didn't want to own up to what they did.

'''As Jeff and Liu made it to school, they didn't dare tell what happened. All they did was sit and listen.'''

What no writing? Also, this is their first day of school, which for some odd reason isn't mentioned.

'''Liu just thought of that as his brother beating up a few kids, but Jeff knew it was more. It was something, scary. As he got that feeling he felt how powerful it was, the urge to just, hurt someone.'''

Great, he's a psychopath. Also, apparently they didn't get in trouble for beating up those little assholes.

'''He didn't like how it sounded, but he couldn't help feeling happy. He felt that strange feeling go away, and stay away for the entire day of school. Even as he walked home due to the whole thing near the bus stop, and how now he probably wouldn't be taking the bus anymore, he felt happy.'''

"IM PSYCHO, WANTING TO HURT PEOPLE MAKES ME SCARY!" said the 12 year old edgelord.

When he got home his parents asked him how his day was, and he said, in a somewhat ominous voice, "It was a wonderful day."

It was right then and there that Mr. and Mrs. Jeffsmomanddad realized their son was mentally challenged and a psychopath.

'''Next morning, he heard a knock at his front door. He walked down to find two police officers at the door, his mother looking back at him with an angry look.'''

She probably automatically assumed it was this little asshole because of his "It was a wonderful day." stupidity the previous night.

'''"Jeff, these officers tell me that you attacked three kids. That it wasn't regular fighting, and that they were stabbed. Stabbed, son!" Jeff's gaze fell to the floor, showing his mother that it was true.'''

I don't know why, but Jeff's reaction is actually comical. Also, why didn't the police come sooner?

"Mom, they were the ones who pulled the knives on me and Liu."

Here comes the we-got-in-trouble-for-something-someone-else-did-feel-sorry-for-us scene.

'''"Son," said one of the cops," We found three kids, two stabbed, one having a bruise on his stomach, and we have witnesses proving that you fled the scene. Now, what does that tell us?" Jeff knew it was no use.'''

In real life, the police officer would want their side of the story as well, but then again since this is Shittycreepypastaland where it takes almost 24 hours for someone to get in trouble for a crime.

He could say him and Liu had been attacked, but then there was no proof it was not them who attacked first.

Apparently this bus stop was in the middle of nowhere and it was reserved for just Jeff and Liu, because no one else was around to witness the attack.

'''They couldn't say that they weren't fleeing, because truth be told they were. So Jeff couldn't defend himself or Liu.'''

I would say "BEAT THE COP UP LIKE YOU DID THOSE LITTLE ASSHOLES!" but I'm not going to because police are facing a lot of misguided hate. Yes, I do support the police, big deal!

'''"Son, call down your brother." Jeff couldn't do it, since it was him who beat up all the kids.'''

Who said that you asked? Well, since the author doesn't want to go into detail, we have to assume that it was... I don't know... the cop?

'''"Sir, it...it was me. I was the one who beat up the kids. Liu tried to hold me back, but he couldn't stop me." The cop looked at his partner and they both nod.'''

TENSE SWAP!

"Well kid, looks like a year in Juvy..."

That's not how the justice system works in America, but then again, I remember that this takes in Shittycreepypastaland where police are the ultimate authorities and not judges.

'''"Wait!" says Liu.'''

"Tense swap!" says author.

'''They all looked up to see him holding a knife. The officers pulled their guns and locked them on Liu.'''

LOL! You can't not find this funny!

'''"It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the marks to prove it." He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cuts and bruises, as if he was in a struggle.'''

These marks should be evidence that they were attacked, therefore resulting in the arrest of the bullies as well, but Shittycreepypastaland has unrealistic laws, and would have many human rights violation complaints by the UN if it were competent. Even in Shittycreepypastaland the UN is worthless and a waste of time.

"Son, just put the knife down," said the officer.

He says that so calmly. Why does the little asshole have a knife to begin with? The author clearly wasn't think this one through, they just wanted a scene in which DEM DERE MEENY COPS pointed a gun at one of the assholes.

Liu held up the knife and dropped it to the ground.

He should have just dropped it instead of raising it first.

He put his hands up and walked over to the cops.

"I SURRENDER!"

'''"No Liu, it was me! I did it!" Jeff had tears running down his face.'''

Great, now you're making yourself look like a bitch in front of the cops.

'''"Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did. Well, take me away." The police led Liu out to the patrol car.'''

They danced out the door!

'''"Liu, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who beat up those kids!" Jeff's mother put her hands on his shoulders.'''

She was soliciting to her own son, her only client.

"Jeff please, you don't have to lie. We know it's Liu, you can stop."

Dear Author

Try making your characters act realistically, otherwise we are just going to assume this is some sort of cartoon. The unrealistic, blunt, and abrasive nature of the mother's dialogue here made me laugh because it felt like one of those scenes on a cartoon where the parent does something anti-parental for the lols.

Sincerely, Ned

'''Jeff watched helplessly as the cop car speeds off with Liu inside. A few minutes later Jeff's dad pulled into the driveway, seeing Jeff's face and knowing something was wrong.'''

Seeing Jeff's face was the indicator that something was wrong, not the police car with his son in it.

'''"Son, son what is it?" Jeff couldn't answer. His vocal cords were strained from crying.'''

This isn't supposed to be funny? Well, shit!

Instead, Jeff's mother walked his father inside to break the bad news to him as Jeff wept in the driveway.

DUDE STOP, YOU'RE KILLING ME! THIS IS SO HILLARIOUS!

'''After an hour or so Jeff walked back in to the house, seeing that his parents were both shocked, sad, and disappointed. He couldn't look at them. He couldn't see how they thought of Liu when it was his fault. He just went to sleep, trying to get the whole thing off his mind. Two days went by, with no word from Liu at JDC. No friends to hang out with. Nothing but sadness and guilt. That is until Saturday, when Jeff is woke up by his mother, with a happy, sunshiny face.'''

"MY SON WAS JUST ARRESTED, BUT I'M HAPPY!" said Cartoonishlyabusivemom.

'''"Jeff, it's the day." she said as she opened up the curtains and let light flood into his room.'''

Why the fuck are you just waltzing into my room without knocking?

'''"What, what's today?" asked Jeff as he stirs awake.'''

'''"Why, it's Billy's party." He was now fully awake.'''

Your son is in jail.

'''"Mom, you're joking, right? You don't expect me to go to some kid's party after..." There was a long pause.'''

"Jeff, we both know what happened. I think this party could be the thing that brightens up the past days. Now, get dressed."

Yep! Nothing but going to a kid's party can wipe away the disgrace of having your son arrested!

'''Jeff's mother walked out of the room and downstairs to get ready herself. He fought himself to get up. He picked out a random shirt and pair of jeans and walked down stairs. He saw his mother and father all dressed up; his mother in a dress and his father in a suit. He thought, why they would ever wear such fancy clothes to a kid's party?'''

Because they don't want to look like trash, you fucking peasant! Jesus Christ, just because you like dressing like you just crawled out of the gutters, doesn't mean the rest of us do.

'''"Son, is that all your going to wear?" said Jeff's mom.'''

Says Jeff's mom, who is supposed to be in the wrong here but actually isn't.

'''"Better than wearing too much." he said.'''

I'm imagining him shouting that, turning around with tears in his eyes, and stomping back upstairs, covering his face.

His mother pushed down the feeling to yell at him and hid it with a smile.

He just sass-mouthed her, yet she's supposed to be the villain here?

'''"Now Jeff, we may be over-dressed, but this is how you go if you want to make an impression." said his father.'''

Said his father, making a very good point.

Jeff grunted and went back up to his room.

Jeff had a tantrum and stomped back to his room because HOW DARE HIS PARENTS NOT WANT HIM TO LOOK LIKE TRASH?!

'''"I don't have any fancy clothes!" he yelled down stairs.'''

'''"Just pick out something." called his mother.'''

Maybe that's why he dresses like trash, his parents don't buy him any real clothes.

'''He looked around in his closet for what he would call fancy. He found a pair of black dress pants he had for special occasions and an undershirt. He couldn't find a shirt to go with it though. He looked around, and found only striped and patterned shirts. None of which go with dress pants. Finally he found a white hoodie and put it on.'''

Hoodies are not only cliche, but they are also trashy. Seriously, someone get this little bastard a real suit.

'''"You're wearing that?" they both said.'''

They aren't wrong for asking that, either.

'''His mother looked at her watch. "Oh, no time to change. Let's just go." She said as she herded Jeff and his father out the door. They crossed the street over to Barbara and Billy's house. They knocked on the door and at it appeared that Barbara, just like his parents, way over-dressed.'''

No, they weren't over-dressed, you were just under-dressed you little hobo.

As they walked inside all Jeff could see were adults, no kids.

'''"The kids are out in the yard. Jeff, how about you go and meet some of them?" said Barbara.'''

Jeff walked outside to a yard full of kids.

Were they all writing shitty self-insert OC stories?

'''They were running around in weird cowboy costumes and shooting each other with plastic guns. He might as well be standing in a Toys R Us.'''

He'd probably be happier in the toddler aisle of Toys R Us because those little kids running around were too mature for him.

Suddenly a kid came up to him and handed him a toy gun and hat.

'''"Hey. Wanna pway?" he said.'''

I can't not imagine a fluffy pony saying that because of the "fluff speech". There should be a scene where he gets kicked and asks "Why huwt fwuffy?! Am guud fwuffy!".

Also, if you don't know what I'm referring to, I'm referencing Fluffybooru. If you want to check it out for yourself, word of warning, there is some triggering content.

'''"Ah, no kid. I'm way too old for this stuff." The kid looked at him with that weird puppydog face.'''

'''"Pwease?" said the kid. "Fine," said Jeff.'''

"Fank ou, nice mistah. Now gib skettis!" said the fluffy pony.

'''He put on the hat and started to pretend shoot at the kids. At first he thought it was totally ridiculous, but then he started to actually have fun. It might not have been super cool, but it was the first time he had done something that took his mind off of Liu. So he played with the kids for a while, until he heard a noise. A weird rolling noise. Then it hit him. Randy, Troy, and Keith all jumped over the fence on their skateboards. Jeff dropped the fake gun and ripped off the hat.'''

LOL! He keeps embarrassing himself!

Randy looked at Jeff with a burning hatred.

For some reason these stereotypes of rich people don't have proper security. And for some reason, the children are allowed to play outside without supervision. I would imagine that there would be a table out there where all the adults would sit, but that would hinder the poorly written plot.

'''"Hello, Jeff, is it?" he said. "We have some unfinished business." Jeff saw his bruised nose." I think we're even. I beat the crap out of you, and you get my brother sent to JDC."'''

No, I'd say his score is still higher because your brother is probably getting shanked and dropping the soap as we speak.

'''Randy got an angry look in his eyes. "Oh no, I don't go for even, I go for winning. You may have kicked our asses that one day, but not today."'''

All of the children playing outside suddenly ceased to exist, because none of them even considered running into the house and getting a grown-up.

'''As he said that Randy rushed at Jeff. They both fell to the ground. Randy punched Jeff in the nose, and Jeff grabbed him by the ears and head butted him. Jeff pushed Randy off of him and both rose to their feet. Kids were screaming and parents were running out of the house. Troy and Keith both pulled guns out of their pockets.'''

'''"No one interrupts or guts will fly!" they said. Randy pulled a knife on Jeff and stabbed it into his shoulder.'''

This has way too many problems to address, so I'm just going to narrow this down to: someone would try to stop them regardless of them having a gun, and it's unrealistic and cartoonish that these adults would just stand still for like a bajillion hours while these little assholes fight.

Also, tl;dr: FIGHT!

Randy sees a bottle of vodka on the counter and smashes the glass over Jeff's head.

I'm assuming this was one of those thin ones, as a wine bottle would probably kill him. Especially if a few kicks make him cough blood (in a scene a skipped over).

'''"Come on Jeff, look at me!" Jeff glances up, his face riddled with blood. "I was the one who got your brother sent to JDC! And now you're just gonna sit here and let him rot in there for a whole year! You should be ashamed!"'''

Well beating the shit out of you isn't going to get him released.

'''Jeff is now to his feet, blood and vodka on his face. Once again he gets that strange feeling, the one in which he hasn't felt for a while. "Finally. He's up!" says Randy as he runs at Jeff. That's when it happens. Something inside Jeff snaps. His psyche is destroyed, all rational thinking is gone, all he can do, is kill. He grabs Randy and pile drives him to the ground. He gets on top of him and punches him straight in the heart. The punch causes Randy's heart to stop.'''

And the author wanted us to take him seriously?

'''As Randy gasps for breath. Jeff hammers down on him. Punch after punch, blood gushes from Randy's body, until he takes one final breath, and dies. Everyone is looking at Jeff now. The parents, the crying kids, even Troy and Keith.'''

I thought they were doing this inside? Is the house made of transparent plastic, or something? Also, the little gun-assholes are distracted, an adult would do something.

'''Although they easily break from their gaze and point their guns at Jeff. Jeff see's'''

"see's"

Fucking "see's".

'''the guns trained on him and runs for the stairs. As he runs Troy and Keith let out fire on him, each shot missing.'''

Meanwhile, the adults stand with their hands in the air instead of tackling the little bastards, because Shittycreepypastaland is a cartoon where everyone is stupid.

'''Jeff runs up the stairs. He hears Troy and Keith follow up behind. As they let out their final rounds of bullets Jeff ducks into the bathroom. He grabs the towel rack and rips it off the wall. Troy and Keith race in, knives ready.'''

I'm imagining the Keystone Kops chasing Jeff through a house with Benny Hill music playing in the background.

'''Troy swings his knife at Jeff, who backs away and bangs the towel rack into Troy's face. Troy goes down hard and now all that's left is Keith. He is more agile than Troy though, and ducks when Jeff swings the towel rack.'''

Shittyauthor was probably imagining they were a sports announcer when writing this.

'''He dropped the knife and grabbed Jeff by the neck. He pushed him into the wall. A thing of bleach fell down on top of him from the top shelf. It burnt both of them and they both started to scream.'''

Actually it would probably take a little while before the burning sets in, but apparently in Shittycreepypastaland, bleach is a flammable acid.

Jeff wiped his eyes as best as he could.

If it got in his eyes he would be blind.

'''He pulled back the towel rack and swung it straight into Keith's head. As he lay there, bleeding to death,'''

His skin and vanes are made of paper, apparently.

he let out an ominous smile.

'''"What's so funny?" asked Jeff. Keith pulled out a lighter and switched it on.'''

Apparently Mr. Bleedingtodeath has strength enough to turn on a lighter and touch it to some asshole's face.

"What's funny," he said, "Is that you're covered in bleach and alcohol."

With all the running and sweating and shit, the alcohol would probably be mostly off his face, and bleach isn't actually flammable. Like someone else stated, it would probably even serve as a retardant.

Jeff's eyes widened as Keith threw the lighter at him.

If he threw the lighter, the flame would go out. At worst he would be chucking a lighter at Jeff the Asshole's face.

'''As soon as the flame made contact with him, the flames ignited the alcohol in the vodka. While the alcohol burned him, the bleach bleached his skin. Jeff let out a terrible screech as he caught on fire.'''

Aren't they in a bathroom? For God's sake, turn the shower on, or put your head in the toilet!

He tried to roll out the fire but it was no use,

BATHROOM = ROOM WITH WATER, YOU FOOL!

'''the alcohol had made him a walking inferno. He ran down the hall, and fell down the stairs.'''

Somehow the house didn't catch fire.

Everybody started screaming as they saw Jeff, now a man on fire, drop to the ground, nearly dead.

Those assholes with the guns are gone, so what's the adults's excuse for not stopping this?

'''The last thing Jeff saw was his mother and the other parents trying to extinguish the flame. That's when he passed out.'''

And would have died.

'''When Jeff woke he had a cast wrapped around his face. He couldn't see anything, but he felt a cast on his shoulder, and stitches all over his body. He tried to stand up, but he realized that there was some tube in his arm, and when he tried to get up it fell out, and a nurse rushed in.'''

'''"I don't think you can get out of bed just yet." she said as she put him back in his bed and re-inserted the tube. Jeff sat there, with no vision, no idea of what his surroundings were.'''

MEDICAL STUFF SCURY!

Finally, after hours, he heard his mother.

'''"Honey, are you okay?" she asked. Jeff couldn't answer though, his face was covered, and he was unable to speak. "Oh honey, I have great news. After all the witnesses told the police that Randy confessed of trying to attack you, they decided to let Liu go."'''

I'm not even going to comment on this, fuck it!

'''This made Jeff almost bolt up, stopping halfway, remembering the tube coming out of his arm. "He'll be out by tomorrow, and then you two will be able to be together again."'''

Actually, that would be an immediate release, but I keep forgetting that law works differently in Shittycreepypastaland.

Jeff's mother hugs Jeff and says her goodbyes.

She literally just came to tell him his brother was being released, and then left.

'''The next couple of weeks were those where Jeff was visited by his family. Then came the day where his bandages were to be removed. His family were all there to see it, what he would look like. As the doctors unwrapped the bandages from Jeff's face everyone was on the edge of their seats. They waited until the last bandage holding the cover over his face was almost removed.'''

You could have just left it at "Then came the day where his bandages were to be removed" instead of going into excessive detail.

'''"Let's hope for the best," said the doctor. He quickly pulls the cloth; letting the rest fall from Jeff's face. Jeff's mother screams at the sight of his face. Liu and Jeff's dad stare awe-struck at his face.'''

They were probably surprised that it wasn't burned off and had somehow turned whiter than fucking snow.

'''"What? What happened to my face?" Jeff said. He rushed out of bed and ran to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror and saw the cause of the distress.'''

I thought he had a tube in his arm, or some shit?

'''His face. It... it's horrible. His lips were burnt to a deep shade of red. His face was turned into a pure white color, and his hair singed from brown to black.'''

No, his hair would have been burnt off and any "black" would have been singes that hadn't crumbled yet.

'''He slowly put his hand to his face. It had a sort of leathery feel to it now. He looked back at his family then back at the mirror.'''

"Jeff," said Liu, "It's not that bad..."

Apparently not, or there wouldn't be little 12 year olds thinking he's sexy.

'''"Not that bad?" said Jeff," It's perfect!" His family were equally surprised. Jeff started laughing uncontrollably His parents noticed that his left eye and hand were twitching.'''

Actually, the hospital probably would impose, or at least advise, that he seeks therapy since he has been through a traumatic event, but whatever, this is Shittypastaland.

"Uh... Jeff, are you okay?"

'''"Okay? I've never felt more happy! Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa, look at me. This face goes perfectly with me!" He couldn't stop laughing.'''

Put him in the psychiatric ward!

'''He stroked his face feeling it. Looking at it in the mirror. What caused this? Well, you may recall that when Jeff was fighting Randy something in his mind, his sanity, snapped.'''

Yeah, no shit, Einstein, we just read about it like a minute ago! Just because you're stupid and need to be constantly reminded of things, doesn't mean we do!

Now he was left as a crazy killing machine, that is, his parents didn't know.

Also, why wasn't he arrested for killing those kids?

"Doctor," said Jeff's mom, "Is my son... alright, you know. In the head?"

"Oh yes, this behavior is typical for patients that have taken very large amounts of pain killers. If his behavior doesn't change in a few weeks, bring him back here, and we'll give him a psychological test."

NO! That's not how it works! That doctor would suggest therapy!

'''"Oh thank you doctor." Jeff's mother went over to Jeff." Jeff, sweety. It's time to go."'''

Yeah, let's just hop out of bed with that hospital gown and waltz back to the car!

'''Jeff looks away from the mirror, his face still formed into a crazy smile. "Kay mommy, ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa!" his mother took him by the shoulder and took him to get his clothes.'''

'''"This is what came in," said the lady at the desk. Jeff's mom looked down to see the black dress pants and white hoodie her son wore. Now they were clean of blood and now stitched together.'''

What kind of hospital do you go to? By now those clothes would be 95% burnt and it would take a fuck ton of sewing to repair.

'''Jeff's mother led him to his room and made him put his clothes on. Then they left, not knowing that this was their final day of life.'''

Thanks for the spoiler, asshole!

'''Later that night, Jeff's mother woke to a sound coming from the bathroom. It sounded as if someone was crying. She slowly walked over to see what it was. When she looked into the bathroom she saw a horrendous sight. Jeff had taken a knife and carved a smile into his cheeks.'''

Was he the one crying? Also, he is harming himself and should be put in a mental institution. They would probably have even kept him at the hospital for a few days to keep an eye on his psyche.

'''"Jeff, what are you doing?" asked his mother.'''

Harming himself, like the "cool" kids! Duh!

'''Jeff looked over to his mother. "I couldn't keep smiling mommy. It hurt after awhile. Now, I can smile forever. Jeff's mother noticed his eyes, ringed in black.'''

And somehow he didn't die of blood loss.

'''"Jeff, your eyes!" His eyes were seemingly never closing.'''

That's because his eyelids were burned off, yet somehow he is not blind. Well, then again, if getting bleach in his eyes didn't blind him, why would ACTUAL FUCKING FIRE?!

"I couldn't see my face. I got tired and my eyes started to close. I burned out the eyelids so I could forever see myself; my new face."

Yeah, no, that wouldn't blind him at all! Apparently, Jeff is so special that he has the only pare of indestructible eyeballs.

'''Jeff's mother slowly started to back away, seeing that her son was going insane. "What's wrong mommy? Aren't I beautiful?'''

She should have called the police right then and there. Also, you're forgetting the final quotation mark.

'''"Yes son," she said, "Yes you are. L-let me go get daddy, so he can see your face." She ran into the room and shook Jeff's dad from his sleep. "Honey, get the gun we..."'''

We're supposed to hate her for saying that, but putting this asshole out of his misery would have actually been the justifiable thing to do.

She stopped as she saw Jeff in the doorway, holding a knife.

They apparently had a gun, yet were threatened by a fucking knife!

'''"Mommy, you lied." That's the last thing they hear as Jeff rushes them with the knife, gutting both of them.'''

One of them apparently stayed still long enough to watch their spouse get knifed.

'''His brother Liu woke up, startled by some noise. He didn't hear anything else, so he just shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep. As he was on the border of slumber, he got the strangest feeling that someone was watching him. He looked up, before Jeff's hand covered his mouth. He slowly raised the knife ready to plunge it into Liu. Liu thrashed here and there trying to escape Jeff's grip.'''

'''"Shhhhhhh," Jeff said. "Just go to sleep." '''

Shittiest catchphrase ever. And without any real resolve, the story ends here.

'''[https://pasta-archives.fandom.com/wiki/User_blog:NedWolfkin/Ned%27s_Nitpicks Praise God that shit is over! Click here for more of Ned's Nitpicks.]'''