Old People Rant

UPLOADER'S NOTE: I could not find the source for this, but I have had it saved on my computer for some time and thought it was too funny not to upload here.

I was watching a commercial for a product called "Life Alert" in which they had some old windbag on TV saying, "All senior citizens should have Life Alert," in a painfully slow voice while the text on the bottom of the screen displayed their advertising slogan, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" when it occurred to me that they were doing it wrong. If they're going for accuracy, they should advertise their product like this: (Note: there may have been an image here)

The accurate way to market safety devices for old people.

Instead, they waste mid-afternoon airtime with old fossils talking about how important Life Alert is and why "senior citizens" should wear them. Here's a better idea: LET THEM DIE!

I hate old people! The state I live in is filled to capacity with worthless old bastards who contribute NOTHING to society and expect us to show them respect because they're too weak, tired, vulnerable, and worthless to wipe their own asses. Who needs them? I say we kill everyone over the age of 85 and sell their homes to college-bound students so we can make the world a better place instead of letting some old cantankerous bitch rot away the rest of her miserable days in an empty home or, even worse, on the Florida highways.

Here is how I propose to dispose of deal with the elderly. Take notes; I might decide to run for President in 2028. Redirect Life Alert to the Kevorkian Hotline.If you're so old that a low-velocity impact with the ground traps you until you slowly die, you probably don't have much to live for to begin with. Just end it all, you old bastards! Social Security should be exclusively for Veterans

If you didn't serve in the military, why should we the American workers take care of you? Don't give me any of that, "I'm old and frail," bullshit. If you wanted to retire, you should have set up your own retirement fund when you were younger. Or, failing that, served for at least one term of military service.

Revoke their driving rights

If your reaction time and attention span are so shitty that you become a hazard for everyone on the road, you don't deserve to drive. Too many intelligent young folks have had their lives snuffed out because some old bat valued her independence more than the lives of children.

I was in class today sitting behind this old guy. Every time the teacher asked a question, he'd raise his fat hand and give some dumba remark. Put your hand down ahole, nobody wants to hear what you have to say. Every time I thought he couldn't top the BS he already spewed, he'd prove me wrong by talking some more: "I read once that the border of Asia is next to the Caspian Sea." Great dipshit, anyone else want to contribute something completely irrelevant? At this point I go into a berserker rage and head-butt my desk until I give myself a concussion.

Old people should be eaten. All this b#tchin about the mad cow disease, why worry when there are so many old people we can eat. It would solve so many problems. No more old people driving 35 on the freeway. No more old people sucking up Medicare funds. No more old people on life insurance commercials. I can't stand the Liberty Medical commercials the one with that guy and his wife, with her smug grin on her face. "they deliver our supplies right to our door! Oh, you think that's pretty special huh? How about I put my foot up your ass, grandma? Teach you to make those smug grins and wide-eyed expressions at me again. Then the commercial ends with the old guy winking at his wife, saying Liberty Medical gives us more time to do the fun things in life it pans to them walking by some old piece of s car. The idea of old people getting it on makes me SICK MANDATORY CASTRATION AFTER THE AGE 60.

Credited to someone who called themselves Jesus