Ned's Nitpicks: Backwards Alphabet 1

I'm going to try something new. Since I never know which stories to review, I am going to nitpick them all in alphabetical order backwards.

再見
Google translates the title of this story as "goodbye".

What Goes Up Doesn't come down do It Again Spin it around, what goes up doesn't come down He won't come down again 

And this repeats a few times until finally we get...

Wouldn't you agree Lucy?

Who the fuck is Lucy?

fAtre lal tIis oryu utlfa

"After all Itis (sic) your fault". Well yeah, it is my fault. My fault for clicking on a story with Chinese text and expecting more than a repeated phrase and a cryptic ending.

…He
'''January first, 2012. 2:30 AM'''

The only date given in this story for some reason.

He stopped them…

They should have stopped him... FROM POSTING THIS STORY!

He stopped them from leaving.

Who and how?

'''Our guest were foreced to stay. How could a simple New year’s party turn into something from a movie?'''

With booze and the power of shitpasta, that's how.

Blood flung on the walls, and still fuctioning organs, draping over the chairs, leading back to their slowly dieing owners.

POINTLESS VIOLENCE MAKES IT SCARY, GUYZ!

How could he do this?

I don't know. Your story leaves so much out that I cannot tell you what any of the characters' motives are.

I understand that he was hurt, that we were all a bit drunk, and none of us could hold our liqour, but that isn’t a reason to kill… Is it?

Is this a pro-prohibition story?

I know you can see this… You probably don’t want to,

You're right. I don't want to see this story. Just not for the reasons you want me not to want to.

seeing as how it speaks of cases tht go far beyond what façade the human world puts on.

Lame ass Creepypasta monster time, folks!

'''He is primal, animalistic… A killer. He doesn’t care if you have siblings, children, a lover… All he cares for is the splatters, fading from red to brown.'''

So he likes period blood and shit? What a freak!

'''Some blood, he spares… He saves it. He won’t tell me whom, but there is someone higher than him… Someone who can smother the He…'''

OH NOEZ HE KILLS ME!

”Dreams arent real right?”
Right.

”How are you today dear, said my mom when she awoke me on an sonday.

This has to be some of the worst spelling I have ever seen in ANY shit past ever! Also this story was posted as a small wall of text.

I had the worst nightmare yesterday i said to my mom,

"I had a dream I wrote a shitty story and some asshole made fun of it." Believe me, little asshole, it was not a dream.

she just nodded and said something i never will forget ”So sweety, what did it do to you?”.

She could have meant this as "It's just a dream, so it can't actually hurt you." You know like "Ok, but what did it do to you in real life?".

I was in shock’ how did she know what happend?”'''

Apparently the concept of a mom predicting their child having a nightmare was so scary that nothing else needs to happen in the story!

“This Isn’t How The Story Goes!”
Finally we have a story that is more than just a few paragraphs (or more than one in the case of the last "story").

“This Isn’t How The Story Goes!”

It is when I tell it!

Carl was sixteen years old when he started to read horror stories again.

Read: Shitpastas. Also, to make this story more bearable I am imagining this Carl from Aqua Teen.

As a child he had always been afraid to read the endings, scared of what the final line might say.

Actually that is a pretty good fear. You see, most Creepypastas end with shitty one-liners that are supposed to make the story 100000000 times more scary but actually turn them into laughingstocks and ruin whatever they had going for them.

“It’s behind you,” or “and they were never heard from again,” were the usual endings that frightened him.

Ironically those are the suckiest, least scariest ways to end a story. Literally "It was only a dream" is the only thing that could make a story worse than that!

But the stories where the main character would scream out their final sentence was the worst.

You know what else is the worst? When stories go nowhere slowly because we have to reiterate over and over again.

It would always be something referring to the creature/being that the character was running from.

The characters are being killed, what do you expect: "I like Mario better than Zelda"?

And the words the character yelled out as they were being tortured or waking up from the nightmare that was actually reality, would stay in his mind.

So now that all that bullshit is out of the way, here comes the story.

Once he turned sixteen, the fear of being one of those people in the stories stopped.

If he were more functioning that fear would have went away when he turned eleven, but whatever!

He began to read some of the scary books he’d hide in his closet

Why did he/his parents buy them in the first place if they made him shit his pants? Also, knowing this scaredycat fuck the scariest book he owns is probably the Cat in the Hat.

as a child and saw that they weren’t all that scary.

Can you imagine actually being scared of a story?

He’d finish the ones that stood out to him and laugh saying that the main character should of had enough common sense not to let a stranger into their car or answer the door when they’re alone in the house babysitting.

Yet he himself doesn't have the common sense to tell reality from fiction. Amazing.

Numerous times he’d see dark alley’s

Like the one his prostitute mother conceived him behind.

as short cuts but never take them.

This is probably the most sensable thing this character does in this story.

He never babysat for anyone.

This too. Who wants to put up with a bunch of little shits?

If the phone rang during the night, he’d ignore it.

Ok so this character went from shitting his pants at the sight of Barney the dinosaur to actually having common sense. I'm trying to sleep, dammit! I don't want to talk to anyone.

Thinking about it, he is probably a dumbass and is still wide awake when the phone rings. Good idea not answering them, better hope it isn't a relative telling you that Grandma died or something else horrible happened. Then again I am sure that his parents answer the phone for him because phones probably scare him anyway.

He started watching new released horror films

Ok, so now he is back to being a dumbass. New movies suck.

and read anything fresh off the shelf and saw the same patterns over and over.

To be fair, horror tends to be repetative.

'''“Don’t open the door,” “why would you look behind you?” and “if the little girl has mud on her feet she must be up to something,” he’d say to himself watching or reading his newly found horror stories. He laughed at himself for being so scared when he was younger.'''

Wow. He grew self awareness and even he thought the younger version of himself was a tard.

After school he’d hang out with his friends who also liked a good horror story.

They are already in a horror story, it's called going to public school!

They’de

They ade?

sit in the bleachers of the football field and read them for hours until it was dark

Layabouts!

and they had to go home.

Whenever the Principal threatened to call the police if they didn't move their asses and quit loitering.

Staying out for that long added to the excitement of the scare for the others but not Carl.

GodCarl isn't scared of the dark. GodCarl drank his milk when he was a kid!

'''“Here,” Carl’s friend Mark handed him a book with black and white pictures on it. It looked as though it had been made in the 90's from the look of the paperback cover.'''

First off, paperback sucks. Second, how can you tell? Did, in your world, books start looking differently after the year 2000?

“They’re old stories but still pretty spooky.”

Unlike the one I'm reading right now which has been so far just some retard and his lazy ass, loitering friends.

'''Carl laughed. “Nah, I only read the new ones.”'''

"Man, fuck Dracula by Bram Stoker. Fuck Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. Fuck Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and the Invisible Man, and Phantom of the Opera! I only read the latest installments of Goosbumps and Are You Afraid of the Dark!"-- "Genius" main character who is half a chromosome away from being legally brain dead.

Mark shrugged, “Okay, but your missing out.”

Mark was right.

'''The sun was behind the trees giving off little light as the friends started to go their seperate ways. Carl and Mark lived somewhat close and decided to walk together. They got to a small convient store and Mark took the book out again.'''

Where did he put it? Up his ass, probably. Yeah, good idea. Take something out of your backpack in the middle of a store and put it back in. People will totally not think you are shoplifting.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna at least skim through it?,” Mark asked.

He probably can't even read it anyway, Mark. He's so dumb.

'''“Yeah, there’s nothing scary about those anymore. I think I have a copy of that from when I was a kid anyway. Thanks though.”'''

Earlier it sounded like this was the first time he ever saw the damn thing. What happened in between Mark handing it to him and now? Oh wait, that's right, his five second memory. Bitch probably doesn't even remember who he is. The reason Mark is walking with him is to escort him home because the dumb shit probably can't even find his way. He probably has to be escorted to his own bedroom!

Mark shrugged again and waved as he walked into the store.

Oh! They were outside the store! You see I would know that if I was told that they were just outside not "They got to a small convient store".

Carl kept walking as he read the last pages of his new book

Reading without Mommy's help. Real impressive.

'''he bought a few days back. It was compleyely dark and the lamps overhead turned on. He was about to read the final sentence when he looked up and saw someone walking ahead of him.'''

Let me guess this "someone" is going to be cartoonish as possible.

They walked under a street light and he saw they were wearing a long black cloak with the hood over their head and a basket with a cloth over it in their right hand.

Just so you all know, no I did not read this beforehand. After years of reading shitpastas, I already know what to expect.

'''He looked around him confused. He didn’t notice someone walk around him. He figured he had his face burried in his book to where he couldn’t have noticed. He saw the person limping a bit and was about to run up and ask if they needed help when something stopped him. He didn’t know what it was. He felt as though he shouldn’t see that person or what was in their basket. The person soon went down another street and Carl walked home.'''

And let me guess, we are never going to hear from the hooded figure again.

Sitting on his bed, not being able to sleep

Too much chocolate milk and chicken tenders kept him up.

he dug through his pile of books.

Get a shelf, dude. Or can't you afford it because your "brain pills" are too expensive?

'''He had been thinking of the person in the cloak ever since he got home. He refused dinner and went straight up to his room where he had sat for hours.'''

He refused chicken tenders and chocolate milk? Oh my! He must have been bothered. Was he too upset to play around with his Disney's Cars stickers?

'''“I know that person,” he kept saying as he turned page after page. He was about to give up'''

Was he looking for answers as to who it was by going through his R.L. Stine novels?

when he saw an old paperback book in the bottom of the box he hid his books in years ago.

He apparently lives in a poor town where people can only afford paperbacks. Then again, usually shit that doesn't deserve to be bound properly usually ends in hardcover only format, so...

'''He saw the familiar black and white pictures and saw that it looked just like the copy Mark wanted him to read. He read the first few stories and got nothing until he turned to the page he needed. “May I Carry Your Basket.”

Had he read the index, he would have found this story... sorry, "page"... sooner.

The next day he and his friends met up at the football field againt to read.

Carl, Mark and their unnamed friends went to the football field where the team was practicing. They used Carl's baby books to practice when their ball broke. Carl tried to stop them, but they beat the shit out of him and called him a nerd.

He mainly wanted to speak to Mark about the book but was disspointed to see that he had missed school that day.

Let me guess, he is dead or some shit.

But it didn’t matter, he knew what he had to do if he saw that person again.

Fuck my friends, I wanna see a stranger!

'''The sun went down and the friends parted ways as they always had. Only now Carl was alone the whole walk. But the lonely walk didn’t last when he saw the woman in the cloak again just as the street lamps came on. She was holding the same basket with the cloth over it. He walked up beside her. “May I carry your basket?,” he said and to no surprise she handed it over and said “That’s very nice of you.”'''

This went from not scary at all to completely not scary at all. Also, good idea taking something that could contain drugs, stolen goods or anything else illegal! You dumbass!

Carl felt bad for the character in the story because they didn’t know what to expect but Carl did.

Carl read a story and now he is in the story! What the fuck is this shit?

'''Right on cue Carl heard the crackling of a laugh. If he had been the unsuspecting boy in the story he’d drop the basket and run only to get his leg bitten by what layed in the basket but not Carl. He tightened his grip on the basket and slammed it over the woman’s head.'''

It turned out this woman was a nun and Carl went to prison for physically assaulting someone. The only positive side to this is that Carl is finally going to get the help he needs and hopefully be put in an asylum where his enabling parents cannot see him.

He pounded the basket against her head until he was out of breath.

Dangerous retard. Also, is no one else around? Why is no one stopping him.

'''Through each hit he could hear two seperate yelps of pain. He then dropped the basket and ran home.'''

This is probably what is happening inside CarlTard's head. What really happened was he saw an Islamic woman wearing a burka (which he mistook for a hood because he is ignorant and doesn't know shit about other cultures other than that he hates them), carrying her baby in a basket. CarlTard offered to help her and she let him. Instead of carrying the basket to the never-explained place she was carrying it to, CarlTard beat her over the head with it. The infant, shaken from inside the basket, died and was screaming its last breath. As for the woman, CarlTard's tard rage was able to beat her half to death with a lightweight wicker basket.

The next day he felt as though nothing could ever scare him again.

Did his ugly ass look in the mirror? BURN!

He couldn’t pay attention in his classes because he was too busy congradulating himself.

"YEAH! YOU GO ME, I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT DEFENSELESS BITCH AND KILLED HER BABY! YEAH!" He should be "congradulating (sic)" himself over not getting arrested.

He wouldn’t be the people in the stories,

You're right, he is a lot worse. He literally thinks acting like an asshole makes him different than characters in fictional stories.

'''falling for the tricks of whatever creatures hid under cloaks or the shadows that lurked behind the door. He wouldn’t have to yell out those final words'''

He will eventually.

'''and let that be what he was known for, for centuries. He wasn’t going to be those poor people who let their guard down.'''

Really, I thought he was a "poor" person by the fact that he reads paperbacks instead of hardcovers or the much more delicious leatherbound books.

Before the final bell rang for school

He did something retarded.

'''to be let out he was called into the princaples office. The class did the usual “Ohhhhh”'''

Because this story takes place in a lame 90's sitcom.

'''as he took the walk of shame to the front office. He went and was greeted by two officers staring at him coldly'''

FUCKING LOL!

'''as he sat waiting to be called by the princaple. The princaple waved him in. He walked in and to his horror and confusion the woman in the cloak sat in a chair on the far side of the room only now her hood was down. She was an old woman with greying hair and eyes that looked almost white. She held her basket with the cloth over it in her lap.'''

Why is she here and not at the police station giving a statement? Oh right, because of ShittycreepypastaCartoonland.

'''“Carl,” the princaple said softly, “this lady says you beat her with her basket lastnight. Is that true?”'''

Wouldn't the police just arrest the little shit instead of having this cartoonish confrontation?

'''Carl felt anger. The old hag had tricked him,'''

Oh my God! You idiot! Is this some kind of joke?

making everyone think she’s the victim and he was the monster.

Jesus, Carl's an asshole.

Her and her stupid basket with the severed head inside were laughing on the inside,

This is like Don Quixote but horrible.

laughing at how they’re making him pay for doing what the boy in the story couldn’t do.

The sad part is that there are actually people in the world who think this way.

'''“She’s a witch!,” Carl said through tears of anger. “Just like in the story!”'''

Wise thing to say in front of the police, CarlTard!

'''The princaple sighed and waved the two officers in. They put handcuffs on Carl as he moved frantically to get out of their grip.'''

Bye bye, tard baby.

“I think you and your friends have been reading too many of those scary stories your always reading in the bleachers.”

Mark and the rest of Carl's (unnamed) friends had to suffer for their retarded friend's shitty behavior. I hope they beat the shit out of him when he gets out of prison.

When he saw Carl’s eyes go wide he said, “yeah I knew you were all going there after school everyday but I didnt think it would bring this much trouble.”

Was it supposed to be some big secret?

“No…,” Carl choaked on his words.

Is this going on while Carl struggles?

'''The officers began to pull him out of the room. Carl took one look at the old woman. She started smiling and lifted the cloth on her basket. Mark’s severed head was inside.'''

She is only slightly less stupid than Carl. She carried a basket with a head in it TO THE POLICE!

'''Carl was kicking and screaming. “NOOO!!!!,”'''

Like the time Mommy told him he wasn't going to have animal shaped chicken tendies, choccy milk and cookies for dinner.

he said as he was drug out of the office, “THIS ISN”T HOW THE STORY GOES!”

This is how your story goes, shitnut.

'''That day Carl’s one fear had come true. He had become one of those charcter’s in his books. And had his own final sentence.'''

Did he die? I hope so.

“The Flash”
It was suppose to be a simple thing to do…just…a simple project for class.

Why do all the shitpastas start like this?

'''Even now, looking back on it, chills me to the core. Not to sound cliche, but this day started out like any other…or at least a few days prior to the one I’m speaking of. Just a normal day in my photography class, nothing out of the ordinary. My professor wants us all to go out, and take some pictures, but…he wanted something very specific.'''

I heard your last teacher got fire for wanting specific pictures of children.

'''He wanted 200 pictures, half of which would be of nature, and the rest, urban environments. Here’s the thing that got me though. He was going to give a reward to whoever would provide the most unique and outstanding photo reel.'''

Did the bitch even mention what the prize was?

That…got me determined.

What's... with all the elipsis?

'''Upon scouting for some good locations…I happen to come across the perfect area. It was a spot, in the middle of my city that had both environments side by side. Here’s the thing though…I noticed…this tunnel in the middle of it all. It was pitch black and surrounded by a fence. Seemed like the perfect place to get my pictures done.'''

"Good idea".

'''So the next day, I charged up my camera, grabbed my backpack, and head out the door. I waited until close to sunset before I hopped the fence. Didn’t want anyone to catch me trespassing after all.'''

"I committed a crime. Tee-hee!"

'''First stop on my little journey, was this small tower that loomed nearby the tunnel, that was covered in graffiti. Random things just scribbled all over the walls, the usual, gang tags, etc. But…there was one that stood out. In the middle of this giant red circle, was what looked like a little stick man.'''

Yep, I was right. Slender Man.

'''Well, not exactly like a stick figure. His limbs were all defined, but with no toes, fingers, just the muscle structure. And…Faceless…but it looked like his body was pressed against the wall. With just enough sunlight out, I decided to take some pictures of all the walls, but especially of that figure. Strangely enough, it fascinated me.'''

Even though Slender stories are overdone, I actually like reading them even when they are shit like this one is.

'''The sun was starting to go down, so I felt like it was the optimum time to sneak in the tunnel. It was definitely going to be one hell of an adventure for me, going down this tunnel…alone…'''

"with... my... addiction... to... elipsis..."

'''I’d be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t scared. To make matters a bit more out of my favor, I forgot the most important thing…a flashlight. So I said to myself, “Maybe I shouldn’t go…” but in the back of my mind, I kept thinking “It’s going to be fine, and I’m already here.” As I peered down at my camera, I felt almost dumbfounded when I completely forgot I could just use my camera’s flash to light up the tunnel. A quick snap of the outside, and it lit up the way. I took a few deep breaths, and walked inside.'''

After a long ass conversation with myself I had inside my head that grinded this story to a standstill, I decided to get my elipsis loving ass in high gear and got going.

'''Every few steps, I would stop to take a picture, both for my photo reel, and also so I’d have some light as I walked down through the darkness. Every picture I took, revealed more graffiti on the walls.'''

I used the flash from my camera to see in the dark. This sounds familiar.

But as I walked further down the tunnel…it began to get…cold.

Yeah that tends to happen when the sun goes down, genius.

'''I had this uneasy feeling loom over me as I went deeper and deeper down this abyss. Upon taking another picture, I noticed my camera’s flash would only flicker. It wasn’t able to make a long lasting flash anymore. It would only strobe on for a few seconds, before shutting off again.'''

OH NOEEZ

As I continued to walk, I noticed the sound of water rushing ahead.

But it wasn't ahead... it was right under me as I was pissing my pants!

'''At first, I didn’t know what to think of it. It startled me a bit, but I quickly recognized the familiar sound. It wasn’t long until I stepped in a stream, running down the tunnel.'''

Are you slow? Why did it take you a while to realize that?

'''At this point, I wasn’t even sure how long I had been walking for. Had to have been at least half an hour. I was beginning to wonder, when it would end?'''

How big is this area?!

'''I stopped and thought to myself, “I’m too far in to turn around now. Might as well keep going.” and with that, I marched on. However…that uneasy feeling began to fill me again. My camera was beginning to run low on power from using the flash so much..but it was my only light source, and without it, I’m blind.'''

Yeah, you probably should have brought a flashlight and a coat, dipshit. And you probably shouldn't have gone alone. Actually, you shouldn't have even gone in the first place, but whatever!

'''I decided to take another picture, in hopes that maybe I’d be able to see the end of the tunnel by now. But this time…I wasn’t sure what I was seeing once the light flickered through the void. On the walls, I saw these crimson streaks strewn all across them.'''

Let me guess, it is blood!

At first, I wasn’t sure of myself, what they could be.

I'm pretty sure I know what it is!

I shook my head, and thought that maybe some stupid gang went down here with red paint to tag the place up…but with another flash…I soon realized….that wasn’t the case.

Also what if a gang member had been there and they gangbanged you before knifing your bitch ass?

'''I could see the streaks all over the walls, some forming hand prints, others just spattered about all over. I could feel my heart racing as I began to quicken my pace down the tunnel. With every flash, more and more red filled the area. I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.'''

Yet your little trip down the tunnel is probably going to go on for about a thousand more words!

The water continued to rush pass my feet.

And down your leg.

Tears began streaming down my face as fear in me built up with every passing second.

Yet you kept going anyway! Amazing!

In my haste, I slipped and landed face first in a pool of liquid.

You slipped on your own pants-piss!

'''I was in a daze for a moment or so…but I had to see what surrounded me. I slowly raised my camera, pressed my finger to take the picture, and with a static flash, I could see…the whole tunnel was pure red.'''

Probably rusted.

And in that same flash, I realized that the puddle I was sitting in…wasn’t water.

Yeah, I told you. It was your own pee because you pissed yourself, you big baby!

'''My heart sank into my chest as I began to hear breathing. I couldn’t tell if it was my own, but I soon found out…it wasn’t. The breathing seemed to get heavier and heavier as time went on, as if it was moving closer to me. Tears were running down my face,'''

Yes, you already told us you were crying like the baby you are!

'''and I held in the urge to scream, for I feared what lied before me. I cried so hard, but something drove me…to take one last photo of whatever creeped towards me. I raised my camera one more time, just as…whatever it was stepped in the puddle in front of me. I couldn’t breathe, I was petrified with fear as I held my eyes open to see…the faceless black figure looming over me.'''

I DIE DA END

“Lilies are my favorite…”
'''“Lily! Come down for breakfast honey!” Nathan called out to his five year old daughter from the bottom of the stairwell.'''

Let me guess, she's going to become a "scary" killer or a ghost. News flash: kids can't be scary.

He sighed and went down to go sit on the sofa.

Breakfast is ready. He sits on the couch instead of eating. What a turd!

It was October 10, the anniversary of something he really did not want to remember.

Let me guess, his wife died or something like that.

'''As he made his way towards the living room to sit down, his foot caught on a piece of plastic. He gasped in surprise and bent down to pick it up. It was just one of Lily’s American Girl dolls; this one had lost its arm. Nathan sighed and set the pieces down on the coffee table and sat down.'''

This guy had given up on life so long ago that he doesn't give enough a shit to teach his daughter to take care of her garbage toys.

'''October 10. It had been three years since it had happened. Lily was too young to remember but Nathan replayed every moment in his head.'''

Blah blah blah.

'''Three years. Three years since Alice had been put away.'''

Aww shoot, here I was thinking she had died!

'''Nathan never would have seen any of this coming from the beginning. It used to be perfect. They met each other in a coffee shop and it was fate. Nathan had fallen hard and fast for Alice’s strawberry blonde curls and honey-sweet voice. Five months later they said “I do” in a field full of violets, peonies, and lilies. Lilies were Alice’s favorite. He remembered looking into her bright blue eyes, brushing her blonde hair behind her ear and whispering, “Forever and ever?”And then she beamed. “Forever and ever.” Her voice was silvery and clear like a chime. It made him melt. Nathan wanted those days back. They were the good days before it all just started to go bad.'''

Your love story makes me sicker than Alice is!

'''It was perfect for three months. Fairy story material. Then it all just fell apart one piece at a time.'''

As it does in real life.

'''On their first anniversary Nathan took her out to a carnival. He won her a cute little teddy bear from a carnival game and his heart swelled with happiness at the smile it evoked onto Alice’s face. A few weeks later at home, Nathan found the teddy bear lying armless and tattered on the coffee table. He frowned.'''

His expression would have been the same had she played with it.

'''That’s when he should have known. Should have seen it coming.'''

He's stupid too.

'''Another year went by and Alice was pregnant. Nathan stood by her every step of the way, urging her until the very last push.'''

Thanks for putting the image of that in my head. Very graphic!

'''A beautiful baby girl. “Lily,” she whispered, “Lilies are my favorite.”'''

Is this some kind of womanchild? He's probably a lot happier now that she's "put away" because otherwise he would be raising two little girls!

Nathan smiled, and so the child was named.

Nathan was a simp who was raised with the belief to give women whatever they want and treat them like children.

'''Soon they returned home, Nathan even took a couple days off of work to help Alice with the child. But something was not right. No, something was terribly wrong. The strawberry blonde curls had turned into a muddy brown and the honey-sweet voice was gone.'''

What the Hell do you expect, she just gave birth!

The girl Nathan had fallen so hard and fast for was absent from her bloated form.

Should have thought of that before breeding.

Now all that remained was a nasty old angry bitch who screamed at Nathan 24/7.

FUCKING LOL! OH MY GOD! This sounds like something I would say! Holy shit! I swear to God, everybody, that this is actually a part of the story!

'''One day Alice just wouldn’t get out of bed. She stared at the wall with wide eyes but she wouldn’t speak.'''

I wonder if she was actually suffering from some kind of trauma brought on by the very horrific act of giving birth?

The next day she took a car and disappeared for three days.

But because her husband was a simp, he didn't think of taking her keys from her or anything like that.

'''When she got back, there were scratches all over the car. The windshield had a spiderweb crack on the passenger’s side. Alice was wearing an oversized shirt and sweatpants with the tags still attached as opposed to the sundress she had on when she left. “I don’t remember anything,” she said. “I don’t remember anything.”

That is her alibi.

'''The next day she was fine but over the course of the next few months, Alice was prone to violent outbursts. She screamed and scratched Nathan across the face.'''

He was a simp so he didn't fight back.

Beat him with an aluminum baseball bat or a broomstick.

And because this is Shittycreepypastaville, he suffered nothing more than a small mark. Thank God it wasn't something that would have killed him like being poked with a piece of paper.

And then they would make up within the hour.

I would have just left the bitch, tbh.

Alice would come crying and say she was sorry.

And he was a dumbass so he listened to her.

'''She would beg him to forgive her and say that it would never happen again. Nathan always took her back, leaning on the memories of the good old days.'''

Because he was a simp and knew no other woman would want him.

'''Slowly, though, the good old days seemed to get further and further away. And as they did, Nathan came closer and closer to leaving.'''

Any real man would have left this crazy bitch by now, child support payments and alimony be damned!

'''And still Alice refused to take her medication. Nathan started sleeping with Lily in a separate room. The next day, Nathan found all of Lily’s American Girl dolls decapitated by the sink, which was clogged by those very prescribed pills, which were supposed to offset the shakes.'''

Well, he played the stupid game of playing with her. Also, I am bored with this story!

Nathan gasped in horror at the sight of the severed dolls and hurried to gather up all the pieces before his innocent daughter walked in on it all.

I would have been pissed because that would have been a waste of money.

He had considered divorce many times before, but he refrained, for the sake of Lily.

And he didn't want to pay child support, he knew no other woman would want him, etc.

'''Then when Lily turned two, it happened. Nathan found bruises on Lily’s body. Some were blue, some were yellow.'''

They were all colors of the rainbow!

'''Alice went over the top. Nathan walked in the door, put Lily down and when he turned around, Alice was standing right there with a gun. She fired on him nineteen times and took Lily.'''

Like I said before, this is Shittycreepypastaville where a person can survive things like 19 bullets. Thank God she didn't gently tap him!

She drove away in his car, running over his neighbor, Mr. Johnson on the way out of the driveway.

Is this how she ended up getting arrested?

The last thing Nathan did before losing consciousness was press his panic button three times.

All... senior... citizens... should... have... LIFEALERT.

Three times for serious injury and fleeing the scene.

You only have to press it once, but ok.

'''His last memory was the fading image of Alice carrying Lily away and the shrill sound of his baby crying. Miraculously he pulled through.'''

Something, something, Shittycreepypastaville.

'''They caught Alice a day later, holed up in a little motel near the state border, still driving Nathan’s car. She put up a fight but was subdued quickly. Alice was found guilty on all counts of aggravated assault, attempted murder, kidnapping, resisting arrest, and vehicular manslaughter.'''

God damn!

Maximum sentences.

Which in the United States means only a year and a half in prison.

No parole.

Ever!

Nathan had insisted on that.

Since when does the "justice" system give a shit what victims want?

'''Alice was sent to Bedford Hills Correctional Facility. The only maximum-security prison for women in the state of New York.'''

Bye, cunt.

'''It had been three years since Alice had been put away. Nathan was pulled out of his thoughts by the television. The pretentious news-reporter spoke,'''

Let me guess, Alice broke free or got let out. And no, I did not read this beforehand.

“…a new development in the recent midnight jailbreak at Bedford Hills.

Honest to God I wish I could bet real money on what happens in Shitpastas.

'''Originally four inmates of the prison escaped late last night. Three were apprehended this morning and have been detained. However, there is still one at large. Due to sabotage of the files at the prison,'''

That's not alarming at all!

'''the authorities are still uncertain as to the identity of remaining fugitive, but they are working quickly to find out. Stay tuned to Channel 5 and we will keep bringing you updates as they come…”'''

Nathan didn’t have to keep listening to know which one hadn’t been found.

Neither do we. So instead of calling the police or some shit, he is probably going to do something stupid.

He stopped fingering the broken doll

Was he finger banging a doll?! What the fuck?!

'''on the coffee table and froze in his seat. His throat went dry and suddenly he realized why Lily hadn’t responded to him yet.'''

Who all wants to bet what happens next?

'''“Lily! Lily honey!” And suddenly Nathan felt the icy sharp steel against his throat. He didn’t even bother to scream. A single tear came to his eye; he knew what was coming. The honey-sweet not so sweet voice sounded cacophonous to his ears.'''

'''“I told you I’d come back for you,” it hissed. “Lilies are my favorite…”'''

The end. On to the next trainwreck1

“Letter”
“Hello Wade,

My name is Ned, not Wade! Also it is interesting to note that Wade is the author's name (or at least the story is credited to a "Wade")

'''you don’t remember me, but I sure remember you. I don’t have a name, so you can just refer to me as “Anonymous”. '''

THE EVIL HACKER GROUP ANONYMOUS!

'''I’m aware that you have done some fairly bad things throughout your nearly 22 year life span. '''

More like six year life span. I seriously doubt someone in their twenties would write something like this. Also, sorry if I am a bit slow on the jokes, everyone. That last story was so boring that it put me at a slower pace.

'''Now, before I continue, I urge you to take this message very seriously. Your very existance just may depend on it. I’m fairly certain you will involve the police in this matter, and because of that, I have taken various precautions to ensure that I remain free of prison, as I have been there before, and was not fond of the expirience. After rigorous research, I have finally acquired vital information about you, such as, your daily schedule, the names and locations of your family members (such as Darrec, ect.),'''

Who or what the fuck is a Darrec? Also, give me something to work with. This is just word salad and stupid shit.

and the fact that you just may consider yourself (excuse the language) “fucked up in the head” or “crazy” or “cold”,

Is author calling himself this?

'''and I would like to assure you, that you possess no concept of what “crazy” or “cold” really is. '''

Most shittypasta authors don't. They're a bunch of edgy little seven year olds who think Jeff is God.

'''Now, regardless of the motive that you belive this message to hold, I want to inform you that this is not to scare you, as i know it will not, considering your moral and social standards. '''

And you're here to insult me because of them? And at this point that this story's background is obvious. The author imagined what a conversation with some generic monster would be like and decided to type it up.

'''This is simply an attempt to mold you into a higher quality of human being. This is not a threat. The results of how effective this directive is on your character, will determine if, and when our relationship will either, become much more intimate, or frankly non-existant.'''

I'm not even reading the rest of this crap. It's literally just "I know you. Remember when you did this" without ANYTHING remotely scary happening. The story ends with

'''This Is A Message I Recieved From A “Scott Randall” (A Facebook Account Created 7 Hours Ago). I’m Not Sure What To Think About It. I’m Pretty Positive Its Just One Of My Friends Fucking With Me, As Me And Most Of My Friends Are Avid Readers Of CreepyPasta.'''

Have fun wasting your time reading garbage!

'''I Decided To Post It Here Because It Absolutely Was Creepy To Me At First Read. I Figured It’d Be Fitting. If I Get Anymore Messages, I’ll Be Sure To Post Them.'''

And then it probably got deleted from wherever you posted it.

“Dumped” Corruped Bootleg
'''A while ago, I discovered a picture of Spongebob in an episode that seemed to look like the episode “Dumped”. The picture wasn’t horrifying, it was Spongebob with bloodshot eyes and no mouth. But, the description under the picture freaked me out a little.'''

You mean this one?

'''Other than this image, the rest of the video is comprised of incomprehensible jumbles of colors, static, or just black screens. The audio seemed to be a heavily distorted version of the audio from the original episode, with loud, droning buzzes occasionally interrupting it. The bootleg itself was found by a group of 5 urban exploring teenagers in a trash can within an abandoned metal institution. Of these 5 individuals, 2 have committed suicide, 1 has gone missing, 1 refuses to comment on the tape, and the last hastily agreed to give paranormal investigators the tape shortly after being interviewed about the suicide and the disappearances of the 3 other persons. The current whereabouts of the tape are unknown, and many who stare at this image for a long enough period of time claim to see Spongebob blink..'''

This is literally just a rewrite of SpongeBob Bootleg Episode

'''After reading this, I turned off my computer and went to go watch TV. That’s when things started to get really creepy.'''

After reading this, I wanted to bang my head off the wall.

Spongebob was on right when I turned on my TV.

Because he's always on Nickelodeon.

After that, my remote control went out of battery.

Throughout my life I have been to almost every part of the continental United States. Never have I heard anyone use the phrase "my remote control went out of battery".

'''I freaked out a little, but after though it was a coincidence. The next part, however, I felt was not.'''

"I read a shitty article on a baby website and then the show that is always on happened to be on my TV!" Jesus, kid!

The episode “Dumped” was on.

"Scary!".

'''The buzzes interrupted it, like everything in the description that I read. I was truly afraid. I have never been in my life.'''

How sheltered are you?

'''I went up to my TV and cable box and turned them both off, and went back on my computer to read. I have a radio next to me, and I started to hear static coming from my radio. Coincidence? I think not.'''

I think so.