Ned's Nitpicks: May 6, 2022

In case anyone is wondering, I will be able to upload a new edition of my Nitpicks every other week.

Slenderman's Stalking
a couple weeks ago when my parents went away for the weekend my friend came over

Your parents should be charged with neglect. I can tell by the style this shitty story was written that you are not old enough to be alone unsupervised.

to watch a movie(twilight).

FUCK YOU! For watching that shit, you deserve whatever cartoonish thing is going to happen in this shitty story. This right here proves you're a child because no mentally sane adult would watch that fucking shit.

in the middle of the movie the movie started skipping so he went to go clean the DVD

That's what happens when you buy movies used.

while i went to go make popcorn.

"Then I realized mommy had put a lock on the microwave."

i suddenly heard the disk drop on the floor.

How you hear a thin plastic disk fall on what I'm assuming is a carpetted floor is beyond me.

i told him not to scratch the disk more then it already is.

Let me translate that for you guys: "I yelled at him from the other room."

he didnt answer so i went on making popcorn.

I'd laugh if he ditched your ass for yelling at him like he was retarded.

i waited but finnaly

finnaly. Fucking finnaly.

went to go see him.as i walked down the hall i thought maybe he died

Because suddenly dying is something that just happens! Who knows, maybe he died because the movie you were watching was even more shitty than this story is.

but then realized that it would never have happend.

What is this "death" thing everyone keeps talking about? That's not something that happens to people!

wen i got there there was no one there.

D-D-D-DITCHED!

i got so scared that i just picked up the DVD and went back to the den.

I'm fancy and I call it a den. It probably wasn't even a den, it was probably your living room.

then i just saw him there asleep on the couch.

He fell asleep because of how fucking boring Twit-light is.

i tried to wake him up but eventualy i gave up and let him sleep.

Never once considering that he could have a serious medical problem. Oh, but then again people don't die, remember?

the next morning i woke up to the smell of rotting meat and i wanted to know where it was coming from so i followed the smell to the den and saw the rotting carcass that once was my friend.

The lesson of this story: Dead humans smell like rotting meat

there where flies buzzing around the body.i called the police.when i told i found a dead body on my couch they didnt sound convinced

I would say that they're incompetent and that there is no way they would ignore something like that, but they're probably used to you calling them and sperging out when Wal-Mart runs out of Disney's Cars stickers.

but i swore it was true and then decided to belive me.

Then they realized how much trouble they would be in if they ignored me and begrudgingly went to my house, swearing to God they would kill me if this had anything to do with Cars.

'''it took half an hour for them to arive.as soon as i heard the doorbell i ran to open the door. i led them to the den only to find the body gone.'''

That's when they arrested me for abusing their phone lines.

one of the ploice said what kind of idiots do you think we are?

Well, I'm sure you're not as big as idiots as the main character is. Personally, I think you're the kind of idiots who don't do their job, ignore urgent reports and take 30 minutes to arrive at a crime scene.

before i could answer they left.

But not without warning me that it is a serious crime to abuse a police phone line.

and i just stood there feeling stupid and then i saw a man in a tux,

If I recall, Slender Man does not wear a tuxedo (which I'm sure you abbreviated because you did not know how to spell the full word), he only wears a black suit. Then again, you probably don't know the difference.

10 feet tall…no face.

"no face." There's more face on Slender Man than there is a purpose for this story to exist.

i ran out the door and didnt stop running until i tripped over something and fell into soft grass when i woke i saw a gash in right arm.

Simply tripping knocked you unconscious and soft grass wounded you. Bitch, you made out of wet paper and thin glass or something?

i went back to my house pulled out my pocket knife ready to fight

The pocket knife Bitch Mommy tried to take away from me when I tried to stab the neighbor's daughter because she beat me at video games!

but he was not there.i searched on the internet to find out what i saw and traced it back to slenderman.after reading and watching videos about slenderman i decided it wasnt safe.

You're not safe from anything if grass is enough to give you a gash, Paper Boy.

my friend sam said i could stay at his house.

Plot twist: this is the same friend who died, but the author forgot how this story began.

but before i left i set up a camera in the den.when i got back i chacked the footage and saw the carcass laying there on the couch

Now you have evidence for the police. Also, what the fuck? Is Slender Man some kind of prankster who removed the body so the police would think you're a liar, only to put it back later?

Also, the whole camera thing feels like it was ripped out of The Rake.

'''and then the screen going blank. after this i didnt see slenderman for a long time but i always know hes there.'''

Right. Him and Santa Claus

Smilz
I heard this story years ago and beleive me it is true this person is on YouTube

YouTube would never lie!

he’s hunted down the original author and again I warn you this is all true as a bit of an intro

I have no comment here, I'm just breaking the text because the author apparently doesn't know when to end a sentence.

'''a few years back a boy named russel munce went to school in a small town called trinity Ohio. Russel was bullied constantly by all most every one in school and at home.'''

Of course he was. It wouldn't be a shitty story if he wasn't.

'''He lived with his alcholohic father now deceased. Long story short he killed everyone In his home room class.'''

Is this a spoiler or something you didn't feel like going into detail about? Either way, it ruins an already shitty story.

'''I remember hearing this story from my friend Seth. Seth lOved creepy pasta'''

Seth was a retard who grew up to be a child molester.

he read it everyday and would read aloud at lunch .

I hope he was bullied as well. If I was trying to eat and some retard was reading garbage written by five year olds, I would get pretty pissed off. Maybe bullying is sometimes justifiable?

He told me that one nigh whilel frequenting the creepypasta site

If you mean the Creepypasta Wiki, then that confirms what I said about Seth being a kidfucking retard.

he got a mysterious text message.

Instead of ignoring it and deleting it like a person whose IQ is above Potato, dumbdumbfucktard here reads it.

The message read “would you like to experience a real creepypasta?” of course Seth wanted to live a creepy pasta so he replied yes.

Seth would remain a virgin the rest of his life. Who the fuck wants cartoonish violence and questionably scary things to happen to them?

He then got a message that said bring 5 friends on the stroke of midnight to the woods in the next 5 days.

In Shittycreepypastaworld, there is only one forest.

Seth came to school and of course I volunteered to go with him he gathered one other friend named John and we went to the woods that night at midnight.

At this point I'm wondering what the Hell any of this has to do with Russell and his "bullies". I think we all already know that POINTLESS BO0LYING MAEKS IT SCURY was the point.

'''We waited for a whole three hours before we got bored and left. To us it seemed that Seth had gotten a fake txt from someone we knew.'''

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Your stupid game was that you went with this retard and your stupid prize was that you lost three hours of your life.

I went home that night with a strange feeling in m stomach

Maybe its the disease that makes you a shitty writer?

I felt awful as though something bad would happen I evently passed out and into slumber.

I can't be the only one who read that as "crashed into a slumber"!

'''I went to school the next day. I waited for Seth in the commons room until the tardy bell rang.'''

Tardy bell? Oh, cool! Seth has his own bell! Also "commons room" like this is Harry Potter or some shit. Bitch, you were standing in a public school hallway!

'''He never showed. At first I thought it was odd for Seth was an honor student who never missed a day of school.'''

I find it hard to believe that anyone who likes Creepypasta can be an honor student. Especially one who goes to the woods because a total stranger told them to over the internet!

'''Three periods passed and still no sign of Seth. After school ended I decided to walk to Seth’s house once there I noticed his door was unlocked'''

I broke into his house and his parents got understandably pissed off.

'''seeing as he lived in a bad neighborhood this was not like his parents. I entered the hous'''

"This could be a crime scene and the perpetrators could still be inside the house! Better go in and check things out!".

and nearly shit my self.

Which I am sure is completely normal for you.

'''There on the couch lay Seth’s father and mother both of them horribly mutilated there eyes seemed as though they were scooped out the chests were ripped open as of by a sharp object and worst of all there mouths we’re cut in such a manner as that they had a permanent smile. I freaked out and ran to Seth’s room.'''

Instead of getting the fuck out of there instead of calling the police...

'''There was the most gruesome site of my life there hanging from the ceiling suspended by fishing hooks in his back was Seth he eyes were also cut out and he had a horrible smile stitched Into his face I approached slowly when I heard him gasp and scream. HELP OH GOD HELP!!!! WE DIDNT PLAY BY THE RULES!!!'''

Whatever the fuck that means.

'''I rushed to Seth and grabbed his hand. I told every thin would be okay'''

Instead of trying to help him, I grabbed his hand and pumped toxic positivity down his throat.

'''he turned his head in the direction of my voice and said Noah we didn’t play by the rules he said bring 5 we should’ve brought 5 we. Those were the las words Seth ever spoke. I screamed and ran out side the sky which was normally blue had turned a dark shade of violet'''

You forgot to take your pills, that's why it happened.

and people all around me seemed to be frozen in time or fear.

Did you try one of Mommy's "Green Cigars" before you went to Seththeshitpants's house?

And in front of me stood a boy a man

Boys and men are usually two different things. Though not in the case of our main character here who is a manchild.

'''I do t know how to describe him he wore a red smiling mask a hoodie and a jacket over in his hands he held a hammer and a knife. You didn’t play by the rules. I tried to turn and run Bt found my self frozen in fear'''

Even your motor skills and basic reactionary functions suck.

'''he approached slowly he took off his hood and undid the clasps of the mask. You should’ve played by the rules kid. He took off he mask and showed me his face. He was missing both eyes'''

He's blind! Just walk away quietly!

'''and the sides of his mouth were cut and cruelly stitched into a wicked grin. Seth failed so now you get to play the game 5 People on the next five days. I want you to know that he’s coming for me tonight.'''

Did Redmask McShitpants say this or is this part of the narration? Your ignorance of quotation marks makes it hard to differentiate.

I didn’t get five people in time so I decided to warn you all of he messages you texts you or anything don’t answer

"of (sic) he message you". Well tell me his number so I don't respond. Or better yet, the moral of the story is don't be a retard and don't respond to texts if you don't know who they are from! Also, don't go to places when random people on the internet tell you to.

that’s his ticket into our world

Well, you seemingly already let him out, so...

he’s standing behind me as I type

Plot twist: he tortured the main character by watching him type this story and forced him to use the shittiest spelling and grammar imaginable for it.

I know he is because I can’t hear him Im gonna die oh god I’m gonna die

RUN... AWAY... RRRRRRRRRRRRRETARD!

Teddy (my first story dont hate!!!)
I like the disclaimer in the title. Like I'm not going to hate a shitty story just because some nine year old who can't take criticism begs me to like it. Bitch, I'm going to blow your story to smithereens just because of that!

On day ther was a girl named shelby who loved her teddy baer very much.

Similarly, her degenerate father liked tidy bear very much.

she always took it with her and played with it and whenever someone wante to touch it she said no its my teddy.

She sounds like a spoiled brat who needs her ass beaten.

after eleven years she was grown up and was about eighteen and she still played with her doll

So she grew up to be a womanchild? Let me guess: she wants a Disney themed wedding, refers to her boyfriend as "daddy", likes to act like a literal toddler, and has an OnlyFans.

'''and she still carried it around. and even though peopl though she was werd she said she didnt care'''

In other words, female Chris Chandler.

and will always love her teddy and becauase it told her not to throw it out because it didnt want to go back to the darkness and get eaten by the monsters that creep around slowly n there.

In other words she was fucking nuts.

'''after a while she started tp go crazy cause the teddy bear talked to her an hurt her. One day her mom found her dead and the teddy was gone.'''

It was probably her father who was fed up with her childish behavior.

Sometimes, they say that the evil teddy bear still roams the forest and eats children.

Holy shit, it's like an even less threatening version of Chucky!

'''so next time you go hiking or mountain biking or just wnt to go for a walk. dont go alone'''

You shouldn't go anywhere alone anyway because people are dangerous now days.

or take your kids cause Teddy the Bear will eat them alive with its big teeth.

Teddy the Bear became Planned Parenthood's mascot. Not just because he kills kids, but also because he's a monster.

'''i hope you can still go to sleep npw…….. '''

Oh no! I totally can't sleep! The thought of some womanchild meeting a well deserved death and a flammable, cotton teddy bear who can be killed with a pair of scissors will keep me up all night!

113
I was originally going to tear into a piece of shit called The "Pibroch", but it sucked so bad that I could not bring myself to tear it all down, so I'm doing this one instead.

My dad had told me many stories about this guy named "113",

When he wasn't drunk and dating women who are prettier than your mother.

always saying that he has met him and how he has a very weird but interesting way of killing and that all stories were real.

"I witnessed a murder"- Retard Dad, an hour before the police arrive to question him.

I didn't believe him.

Because if you did, you would be even more retarded than your dumbass daddy.

Hearing him say that some times make me think he is the killer but that's just stupid.

So is everyone and everything relating to this story, myself included for even looking at it.

During the summer my friends and I went to this camp, I can't remember the name of the camp

Great story telling there.

'''but it was night and John had decided that we should tell some scary stories, so he told the story about him, 113. The story wasn't that long of a story but it was interesting and scary.'''

I doubt it. Also, so your dad tells you stories about this 113 guy and so does John?

The story went like this: There was this boy, no one never found out what his real name was but people started calling him 113.

Why?

'''113 and his friends came to this exact camp, there was this weird family that lived in a cabin near normal family mom, dad, son, and two daughters. But they were oddly deformed and were cannibals,'''

"normal family" "But they were oddly deformed and were cannibals." Which one is it? Also, what the Hell country do you live in where known cannibals don't go to prison? Do they sell human meat at your local deli?

113 and his friends Jack, Kelly, Alice and Sam(a boy), went to go see if they were real and if they were real, they would spy on them.

Only to get hit with trespassing charges.

Sam decided to go in the house

Tense change!

'''and 113 decided to follow him, the others thought it was stupid so they stayed outside to see what would happen. What they didn't know was that the family had another son stronger and bigger than all of them. He caught 113 and grabbed his neck choking him and lifted him up, struggling to breathe and at the same time trying to call Sam.'''

"they stayed outside to see what would happen." Sounds to me like karma is happening. Your stupid game: breaking into a stranger's house. Your stupid prize: getting the shit choked out of you.

113 started fighting accomplishing nothing and then he saw Sam running but then he stopped and stared in shock, Jack and Kelly ran to go get help, Alice went in to go help them.

Alice is a retard.

Jumping on the guy choking 113 back yelling and telling Sam to grab something, so he grabs a chair and hit the guy with it making him drop 113 and go after him.

So this ogre like person is winded by some little asshole hitting him with a chair? Ok. Also, what's the rest of the cannibal family doing while this is going on? Oh, right. This is Shittycreepypastaville where people stand still when violence happens around them!

The family came in attacking killing Sam by stabbing him many times in the face, injuring Alice by breaking both her legs.

POINTLESS VIOLENCE MAEKS IT SCURY GUYSE! Also, it is hard to feel sorry for these characters when their suffering is hurriedly summarized.

As they were walking towards 113, the family gathered around him

Finally, they got off their asses!

as he lays on the floor, he tries to attack but gets stabbed five times, three times in the stomach, one in the neck, and one in the shoulder.

Am I supposed to feel sorry for him? It's his fault for breaking into peoples' houses. At anything, I'm rooting for the family. And not just because I'm a psychopath, either!

The family were taking off their heads, but turns out it was a mask and that they were the ones who killed that family.

... what...? This doesn't make any sense!

'''Killing five kids and the two parents. As 113 was dying taking his last breath.....they said to him "We killed them cuase' they deserved to die" said one girl, "Like all of us we have a time when we are supposed to leave and it was their turn" said the other, "NOW IT'S YOU TURN TO DIE WITH YOUR FRIENDS! Just remember this when you die.....mom loves you but won't know where you died and how you died".'''

Because everyone in shitty stories have to say lame things before killing people!

Jack and Kelly came running with the cops to the cabin to see it burning, after the fire stopped everything was burned.....but 113's body but his body was also missing.

Fires just automatically stop and don't need to be put out, apparently! Was this house part igloo or something?

"All true and he murdered a family here a week ago" said John.

Because the news wouldn't report on a family of deformed cannibals living on a private camp ground killing some trespassing little assholes and setting their half-igloo on fire!

I wasn't sure if he was lying or not,

You're a retard!

when we left and parted our ways, I went online and checked to see if it was real and it turned out....it was

Fuck's sake! Let me guess, this story ends with Dumbass ShitPants McNumberName killing you!

The article says: A family was murdered by the known killer "113", the oldest daughter(18) saw 113 and went towards him, and like everyone else who says they saw him or survived the attack,

So he murdered the family? Did John lie or did I miss something because of how badly this story was written?

"A black sleeveless hoodie with the hood on, black sneakers and black jeans. 

Of course, because hoodies and jeans are the official clothing of Shittycreepypastaville.

On his forearms is like he has a tattoo of fire but the fire seems to be to real and he holds two kukri machetes".

I thought NumbersDuded was a child? How did he get a tattoo?

'''The daughter returned running to her family after seeing him to find her little brother(16) hanging from a tree with his head in his stomach and his legs and arms in the spot his head would be, then she started running to the car and saw her mom(31) tied to a tree with a throat cut and something carved into her stomach saying "Sally sorry forgive me...." Sally (daughter) searched to see if her mom had the keys'''

"I don't give a shit if you're dead, Mom! The door is locked!"

to see on her mom saying "And join me" she was startled but found the keys she darted towards the car and saw her dad(30) in the drivers seat, he looked her with his eyes gouged out and bugs coming out of his mouth and eyes.

Lame!

I stopped reading,

I wish I would have stopped reading this awful story halfway through.

'''just reading that and seeing the pictures. I wonder why the hell would they show the pictures, I went to take a shower and after I got out John started calling telling me to turn to the news.'''

The point of the shower was...?

'''The News: The infamous killer "113", has killed a girl named Shayla, the picture isn't appropriate to show and describing how the body looks isn't any better. You can see on "Channel 23.com" to see the picture'''

How come news reports in these awful stories don't sound like something they would actually say?

I didn't wanna go on to see but Alex texted me, she sent a picture of how the body looked,

He's sending gore! Call the cops!

her body was found inside out with words written on her and the wall saying "We all wanted to see what the inside of the human body looks like.....YOUR WELCOME"

NumerBoy's spelling is shit just like the author of this story's.

Alex, John, and I went to the house,

We were totally allowed to walk into a crime scene!

they wanted to go in and see the body

Which was photographed but for some reason never disposed of.

so they found a way to get in without the police knowing.

This would have been clever had you actually told us how.

I didn't wanna see the body, so I watched to see if any cops would come, I saw him staring at me, it was 113.

Who was stupid enough to return to the scene of the crime.

'''He had a huge grin on his face, all I saw on his face was the grin, no eyes, nose, ears, NOTHING. Just his creepy grin which gave me chill all over my body.'''

So he's Slender Man with a mouth?

'''Alex and John came out and scared me "What's wrong with you" said John, "You look like you saw a ghost" Alex said. "I saw him standing there(pointing into the forest behind the house), he had like the creepiest grin i ever seen". They both laughed at but I know I saw him standing there.'''

You're all retarded. Seriously, did you meet these people in Special Ed?

'''I call my dad to tell him that he was right and that 113 is real. After I called, he called back 30 minutes after but it turns out it was my mom.'''

Let me guess "DADDY IZ DED!". Also, you have a phone and you call your father to pester him about some stupid story instead of calling the police?

She sounded sad, she had told me that he killed my.....dad,

Called it!

it took me awhile to accept the fact that my dad is dead and that he died by him.

"But after five minutes I shrugged it off and continued trespassing on a crime scene."

I went over to check up and I saw my dead body.....

Just when I thought this story couldn't get any more laughable!

his face was cut off with random words all over his body

And because NumbersTheRetardedKiller was immature, probably drawings of dicks as well.

'''but on the wall behind his body it says "I'm like a revengeful spirit/demon named 113 coming for the boy staring" after reading that I dropped to my knees.....I just couldn't stand back up. I felt the tears running down my cheeks, "I...I d-don't wanna die" I said.'''

Wussy.

I ran to the police station and told them he was after me and asked if they can protect me....

"I saw my own dead body then ran to the police station". What?!

they just laughed at me,

Because police in Shittycreepypastaville always laugh when people report serious goings-on.

'''I left but a cop caught up and told me that he would protect me. I had a huge smile on my face after hearing that.'''

I had make-out sessions with my boyfriend that was less gay than this paragraph.

When we were walking towards my house, he stopped I asked "What happen" he replied saying "A girl and a boy were found dead"

Gee, wonder who did it... Also, kind of random there!

I had asked him what were their names but he had said he didn't know

"Yeah, I'm a cop. I know these people were killed, but I don't know their names." Detective ShitPants, the sequel.

so I asked him if he can take me to the scene.

Let me guess, he did!

We went

Anyone else hoping that he wasn't a real cop, just some child murderer who disguised himself as one to lure Little Tommy ShitPants to a quiet place to kill him?

I was hoping that it wasn't Alex and John yet it turned out to be them.

Out of all the people in the world, the person Numberguy just happened to kill your friends! Amazing! Also, this is worded like a joke!

John with his arms shoved down his throat and Alex with her head in her hand and her feet sticking out of the spot where her head would be.

It seems kind of like a waste of time for the killer to make demented works of art out of their bodies. Also, how come all these stories have killers doing shit with severed body parts?

On John's arm it says "Sad that they had to die...you'll be with them soon.

I took that to mean me because I am special! (In more than one way).

'''Later that day I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, my phone started to ring...it was my mom. When I answered it sounded like she was in my house,'''

Your house has a distinct sound, apparently.

'''I checked the whole house and I didn't see her...then I realized I didn't check the attic. I went to the attic to see next thing I know her body fell from it and all I saw was a creepy grin looking down at me. I ran to call 911, I picked up the phone and it was dead.'''

Because HORROR CLICHES

'''I did not wanna die....so I jumped out the window, when I landed I sprained my ankle. I got right up limping but he caught up to me and grabbed me.'''

He'd be incompetent if he didn't catch you!

'''Yet he didn't kill me, he just told me 2 things. He's the 113 spirit/demon to want revenge on their murderer(s)'''

But yet goes around killing innocent people.

'''and that the other 112, went searching for them instead of just killing people. And that his name is Riley. He dropped saying "I'll be fair and give you a 4 second start to run and hide...don't you like games"?'''

Why does the quotation mark come after the quotation marks? Also what kind of killer wants to play games like that? What is he, five years old?

I didn't reply, I just ran with tears coming down.

I would have stood and fought instead of playing a kiddy game with a murderer.

But since I was limping he caught up to me quick and when he caught up he said "Awww to bad I was having fun".

This killer says some of the lamest shit ever!

All I felt was something sharp piercing through my stomach....and all I remember passing out and then waking up to see that he put on my chest "Don't forget....tell and die" and put "But your time is soon" on my back and he was gone.

How in the Hell did you see writing on your back?

The cops came and asked me what had happened

Yeah, you know. I'm just casually lying here on the ground all cut up with my stomach cut open and they come along and ask what's goin' on. Apparently having your stomach stabbed/cut/whatthefuckever isn't fatal!

'''and I said "I slipped in the kitchen and grabbed the knife holder, and a knife landed on my stomach and the holder hitting it pushing it deeper and spraining my ankle in the process". I was rushed to the hospital and the doctor saw what was written on my but didn't ask any question and said nothing.'''

I mean he literally said nothing! I later found out he was a mute!

Now I go on with my life seeing these words day after day....just waiting....till it's....my time

Hopefully not time to write another shitty story, Buck-O!