Nitpick Archive 3

The Figure of the Damned
'''SLAM! A door was swung open by a hard fist.'''

This made me think of fisting.

'''The girl threw herself into her bedroom and collapsed onto the floor. Holding her head in her hands, she tried to stop any tears from flowing out of her eyes, there was a faint sound of pitter-pattering on the grimy floor beneath her.'''

Aww, don't cry little nameless girl. It's not your fault you're stuck in a shitty story. Maybe she is crying because the author never bothers to give her a name.

'''"I didn't mean to hit her with it - she got in the way!" Her father's hollers were making their way to her bedroom. The girl's mother chased after her, frantically stomping into the girl's room. Her mother practically leaped onto her, moving her trembling daughter's hands away from her face.'''

You know this is going to be a "good" story when the opening scene is a rip-off of Clockwork: Your Time Is Up, another shitty Jeff inspired story.

'''"My god... You nearly ripped her eye out!" Her mother's frantic voice screeched. Her mother could never protect her daughter from her own. "Let's go, we're getting you to a hospital so they can stitch this up!" The girl looked down at her hands, they were drenched sickly red. Her mouth gaped, trying to form some semblance of words that wouldn't come out. The shock of it had yet to fade, able to feel nothing but the cold stillness of the room through the gash across her face. The hot blood ran down her neck and cooled as it soaked into her shirt.'''

The harsh reality is that victims are often unable to protect their children from their abusers. Unfortunately, this is not a story that was written with the intent of raising awareness of the horrors of domestic abuse; it is, instead, a shitty Jeff knock-off. Also, apparently she is not helpless to protect her daughter as the dad is obviously afraid of her. She could probably stop this abuse if she really wanted to. This is another missed opportunity. Sometimes in real life people will worship their partner to the point where they won't care if they abuse their child.

Hospitals were never her favorite, after an incident when she was eight, resulted in her mother taking her to a psychiatric institute for her outrageous behavior, she always found herself off-put by the sterile smelling halls.

And, as you probably already guessed, we are never told what that thing was that warranted a stay in the loony bin because detail doesn't exist in bad stories.

Also, the author isn't lying. As we learn throughout the story the main character, who is never given an actual name, does have serious mental and behavioral issues that are for some reason ignored by everyone, including hospital staff.

Her mother was only concerned about how she changed into a different person in a flick of a switch, though her mother's concern did not prevent things from worsening as she aged.

How old is she? Who is to say she is changing? Depending on how young she is, she might not even be changing at all, this might just be her actual personality which she is growing into.

'''Any sort of thing that would annoy her made her go into a blind rage, proceed by a lingering depression and sense of dread. She couldn't help feeling the emotions so heavily as she did, the moodiness, the indifference, the anger. Though her mother could never understand what was wrong with her. All first doctor said was: "She's a little kid, it's just her growing up and finding how to express her emotions."'''

No! No no no no no no! Absolutely unrealistic! We are living in a time where doctors frequently try to push anti-psychotic meds and therapy on young children. Unless she was an infant or toddler, there is no way her behavior would just be swept under a rug like that. In the real world she would be given a Halloween bucket full of anti psychotics and sent to a therapist who, in turn, would give her more medicines and send her to a psychiatric hospital. I would also like to add that this, coupled with obvious signs of abuse, would definitely warrant an investigation by CPS.

'''The doctor talked to her as he was now stitching the wound. "So, how did this happen? Did you slip and fall? Got into a fight?" She looked over to her father as he looked to her resentful and crossed his arms.'''

Ok, so the doctor suspects abuse but doesn't do a damned thing about it. I would bring up the fact that we are living in an age where abuse is taken seriously, but since this takes place in Creepypastaland where everyone tries their damnedest to ignore abuse, I shouldn't expect him to do anything.

"Um... I wasn't paying attention and I fell into the kitchen counter," the girl lied.

No, this TOTALLY WOULD NOT raise any red flags U GUIZE!

"Well, you're incredibly lucky you didn't lose your eye. The gash was certainly wide and the area is bruised, your eye in itself is-" he stopped what he was doing and grabbed a mirror from the counter and handed it to the girl.

He gave her a mirror to see her eyes for some reason. I can't think of any plausible reason why he did except that this is something that happened in Jeff the Killer.

'''"He hit you with the belt didn't h-" Her mother was cut off. "Keep your trap down. She got in the way. You weren't there to save her ass so you don't even know what happened." He snapped at his wife.'''

How about starting a new paragraph when changing speakers? Seven years working on this story my ass!

'''"Bullshit. I know damn well she wouldn't have 'gotten in the way'. You're the habitual liar, not her." She hissed at her husband and then turned her face back to her daughter.'''

Ok, so this mother isn't afraid to confront the abuser, but doesn't do anything more than bitch. Why is the dad afraid of her? Her bark is bigger than her bite.

'''A cool breeze entered her room as she woke up the next morning. [...] She got up, stretching she searched for clean clothes and began to change into them.'''

Let me guess, she put on a pair of jeans and a hoodie like every other Jeff knock-off.

'''She turned her head and looked at her mirror, she approached it and kept eye contact with herself. 'You look like shit' she thought to herself, the gauzed area hid her face from browbone to cheek.'''

You would look like shit even if you weren't disfigured, you ugly pig!

'''The daylight shinned from the window behind her and made an eyeshadow palette on her bureau gleam. The girl looked at the shine and snatched her palette. She took a look at her appearance, then the cosmetics and chose to put it on.'''

"Yeah, that'll cover it" sarcastic reviewer said.

"Shit! My other eye is covered. Maybe I can still put it on the left one?"

Yeah, put on your whore make-up, you little whore! Also, why does a child have make-up?

'''The girl grabbed a bowl and placed it on the kitchen table. A heavy feeling weighed down on her head, her vision faded in and out of blackness. Holding her face in her hands, she struggled to stand up straight, covering her eyes as she dropped down to her knees with a grunt.'''

The fuck?

'''She brought her head up slightly, looking up to see her dad's belt on the far end of the table, a piece of flesh still on the prong of the buckle, like bait on a hook. Her blood started to boil at the sight of it. Outbursts echoed in the kitchen. "Go to hell!"'''

MY OC IS SOOOO EDGY BECAUSE SHE SWEARS A LOT U GUIZE!

'''Hours passed. She was now walking to school, her hands stuffed her pockets. She didn't bring a bookbag ever, she didn't care about those things. She finished whatever homework she had in school so there was no need for one.'''

Like every other Mary Sue OC, she is soooooo good in school. Also, that is a load of bullshit! There would be times when she would have to bring books home. Homework is an inescapable force!

'''Her parents would always ask if she had homework, and she always told them she did it in class. They would call her a "bum for not doing her homework" or tell her she was "making up excuses."'''

Well, considering the impossibility of her never having homework, I would come to that conclusion too. But then again I doubt the author of this story is old enough to go to grade school, and therefore does not know how things work. Also, "her parents"? I thought the mom was supposed to be nice to her.

The girl took a deep breath as she stepped onto the school grounds

Let's see how long it takes for a wild bully to appear!

'''[T]he shadow of the building looming over her as she made her way inside. The thought of her graduating soon made her calm,'''

Graduating from kindergarten probably. Trust me, kiddy. When you get to ACTUAL big kid school it is going to get worse.

'''she was never going to see most of these kids again. Though, those thoughts normally got clouded out by Jay and his friends. Why couldn't he leave her alone? Was reporting him to the school, not enough?'''

Oh wow, bullies! That has NEVER been done before. Christ!

'''Thought by thought they kept clouding her mind as she walked to her locker for her books. She headed to her first class, knowing Jay was going to be there. The bell rang as she sat down, Jay parked himself behind her, his friends sat close by. It was Scott and Davin.'''

What the fuck kind of name is Davin? Then again we are in an age where parents are giving their children stupid names.

Jay tapped a pencil on his desk, seeing as it annoyed her, ran the tip of the pencil down her back.

In an age where even accidentally brushing against her would certainly get him accused of sexual assault, I don't see how he would be allowed to do this unless this is taking place in an empty class room. Even before this #MeToo hysteria schools had strict no tolerance policies. Then again, all the schools in Shittycreepypastaland are mostly empty except for Mary Sues and bullies. I don't know where this is taking place, I'm assuming the classroom where there should be other students and teachers. Then again, as I have said many times before, bad authors don't care about detail. I could give the author the benefit of the doubt and say they intentionally did not pick a setting because of all the unrealistic shit going on, but that would be giving too much good faith.

'''"Stop. Leave. Me. Alone." The girl demanded. She felt a wave of heaviness over her head again: it weighed down on her and she began to grow angrier.'''

'''"You're no fun," Jay whispered. "C'mere," he grabbed the pencil once more and pushed the point of it into her back, breaking the skin.'''

Since this is Shittycreepypastaland where the real world's version of biology is non-existent, you can easily make someone bleed by poking them with a pencil with a minimum amount of force and without giving them lead poisoning. Also because this is Shittycreepypastaland, the bully can get away with assault.

'''The girl jumped as she felt electricity shoot up her spine. Every corner of the room spilling with red tendrils, crawling like they were alive.'''

These tendrils also appeared in the kitchen scene, but I skipped over that. All I can sarcastically say is: great tentacle porn.

'''"Stop it you douche!" She snatched the pencil from his mitt.'''

I can imagine two twelve years old anime characters fighting over a pencil in a class room, and it's fucking hilarious.

'''"Give my pencil back, Gra-" Jay was cut off by her slamming it into the back of his hand making it rip through the other side. The classroom filled with painful screams as the blood began trickling down his fingers dripping onto the desk.'''

Ok, so this is happening in a class room full of people, yet nobody did anything. God damn Creepypastaland's shitty schools! Then again if someone was bullying a shitty Mary Sue I probably wouldn't give a shit either.

The teacher's attention turned to Jay as his friends jumped up.

HOW DOES A TEACHER NOT NOTICE ANY OF THIS?! Is he deaf, and all of this going on when his back was turned?

'''They spoke in panic, shouting over one another telling the teacher what happened. The teacher called security. Upon arrival, one security guard had paper towels and ran over to Jay wrapping his hand in it.'''

I would mention that it would take more than just paper towels to treat a wound this serious, but then I remembered Shittycreepypastaland's loose grip on how the human body works. He is luck he didn't stub his toe or he could have died. Also, did the author forget about Mary Sue's wound? Probably.

The second security guard grabbed the girl and took her to the office to file a report on what happened.

In the real world the bully also would have gotten in trouble, but since EVERYONE IS MEAN TO MARY SUE CHRIST WAHHHH! OC is the only one going to get in trouble. It's sooooo unfair!

As she walked with the security guard, she took satisfaction knowing his fresh blood spilled out of him and followed him as his sobs filled the hallway.

Soooo edgy!

The girl contemplated what her parents would say to her while walking home.

First of all, it is unlikely she would just be allowed to go home. She would probably either be arrested or institutionalized because of her history of mental illness and behavioral issues. Second of all, why the hell is she walking alone? Does she not know that is dangerous?

'''She didn't want to think about it. At that point, she didn't even want to go back home, turning off the sidewalk and into a wooded area,'''

This is literally every other OC story. The main character walking home from school to go into the woods.

'''A wave of panic came over her as her eyes connected to a figure. It watched before sprinting towards her. She didn't waste any time making a run for it. As she looked back to where the figure was, she could no longer see it but continued to run. She almost made it past the tree line before she was flung back by a hard hit to her ribs. She landed on her back gasping for air, everything seemed to go black for a few seconds. Covering her ribs, she looked up to see the first of Jay's goons: Scott.'''

Well, if you're going to run towards shadowy figures in the woods you should expect something bad to happen.

'''She wobbled up as her heart pounded and tried to balance herself using a tree. She heard other footsteps approaching, looking over to them she saw Davin come out from behind a tree.'''

How in the fuck would these characters know that she would make the sudden decision to go into the woods?

'''Scott took one swing as the girl barley dodged the fist. The both of them started to fight, one on one, as hits connected.'''

Why doesn't the other bully hold her arms behind her back? My guess is MY OC IS A SKILLED FIGHTER, GUIZE!

Davin intervened and pushed her away from Scott, he grabbed a small switchblade from a pocket of his denim jacket.

Instead of fighting one of them should have held her down, and the other should have killed her with the knife. Just sayin'...

'''The girl looked around and snatched a thick tree branch, holding it like a baseball bat. Davin charged at her like a raging bull. She swung the branch, connecting it to his hand and knocked the blade from it.'''

LAME!

The branch splintered as she repeatedly slammed it into his chest, breaking his ribs. She didn't stop until she was satisfied with the bloody mess that was left of him. She stood there trying to catch her breath and turned towards the terrified Scott. She kept trying to focus her vision, it fading in and out of blackness. His words drew her attention.'''

OOOH, She's SOOOOOO edgy!

'''Scott started to run from her, taking a sharp turn and hid from her sight, breathing heavily. The girl looked back at Davin's body and found another blade. She took it off his corpse and turned the holster in her hand, strapping it to her own waist. She took the blade out and examined it: it was bigger than the one he tried to attack her with.'''

Cliche killer weapon that is supposed to sound cool, but actually sounds lame.

'''She gripped it tightly and went hunting for Scott. [...] "Hey, bud!" The girl shouted as she jumped down onto him, driving the blade into his shoulder and dug it down his right side as hard as she could.'''

This bitch sounds lamer and lamer! Anyway, tl;dr she goes back home and we never hear about this murder again, even though the bodies would have been eventually discovered and an investigation would have been launched. Unfortauntely, none of this happens because bad authors immediately forget things after they happen.

'''As she turned away from the mirror she heard a faint voice speak. Frantically she scanned her room and saw no presence.'''

Why is an empty room weird to her? Maybe she is used to having her wrangler look after her all minutes of the day.

'''"Mom?" The girl called out.'''

'''"Aw, how you killed them." She could see her vision turn red as if a thin layer of plastic was sticking to her eyes.'''

How did she find out? Oh wait, that's right. In Shittycreepypastaland if you kill someone, everyone on earth knows it except for law enforcement. I also later found out this character who is speaking is NOT her mother because author is lazy and doesn't want to tell us who this person is.

'''"You can't hide from what you did. What did you do with your new toy? I think you have forgotten it somewhere. I'll help you find it. Ah, here it is." The girl felt her right arm rise up, watching its every movement. Her fingers snapped as the heavy blade appeared in front of her feet.'''

The fuck's this supposed to be?

'''"Hey love, I heard you talking to someone. Everything okay?" Her mother stopped in her tracks seeing her daughter trembling on her bed. The girl looked up to her mother and gave her a sarcastic grin [...] The mother screamed as she slashed her arm with the blade.'''

I STABBED MOMMY LIKE JEFF DID! Also, for some reason this slash doesn't require any medical attention so it must not be as bad as the author is trying to make it sound.

'''The girl was interrupted by her dad. [...] "I'm tired of your shit, kid. We're done with these games. We're not taking it anymore. Tomorrow it's all going to change." He kept eye contact with his daughter, a stern look on his face. It didn't phase him that she had a knife or was acting the way she did; he kept his seriousness.'''

The messed up part is that his father doesn't sound abusive at all. It just sounds like he is trying to tame an out of control bratty child. I imagine that the opening scene is the aftermath of the girl trying to burn the house down, or about to sacrifice her little brother to the devil.

'''He went to grab his belt again, it made a jingle as he grabbed the leather tightly. The girl slowly put the blade to her side and backed up, she felt her heart starting to be faster.'''

'''"What are you talking about, dickhead?" She spat out biting her tongue some.'''

"You'll see come tomorrow. If you do anything else this extreme, I'm calling the cops. You're lucky I'm not calling them now.

Why the fuck not? I would.

'''Stop with this stupidity and fucking act like a human for once. Goodnight, crazy." He finished and slammed the bedroom door, he walked down to the kitchen to help his wife bandage her arm.'''

Ah yes, because in Shittycreepypastaland all you need for a deep wound is bandage. Also, why is she afraid of him, he didn't do anything but threaten her with the police.

The next day she woke up to a knock on her bedroom door.

'''"What?" The girl called out.'''

'''"We need to get some groceries for dinner. Can you help?" Her mother sat on the bed next to her daughter, holding her bandaged arm.'''

'''"Yeah... about last night, I feel like shit." Her mother didn't respond to that, she just insisted she get dressed and come with her.'''

Great apology, dipshit!

The girl quickly threw on a pair of black jeans, boots, and a light gray shirt.

LOOK AT THE COOL CLOTHING I'M WEARING, GUYS! Honestly, I'm surprised she didn't throw on a hoodie too.

'''Her mother said nothing and kept her hands on the wheel, her head down. The girl looked in front of her and saw a huge building, a sign on it read "Behavioral Health Services | St. Mary’s Hospital."'''

What the HELL are "Behavioral Health Services"?

'''Her mother got out of the car, walked to the passenger side and opened the door. [...] Two men dressed in matching white coats came out pushing a wheelchair.'''

Once again author proves that she doesn't know how mental health services work.

'''"Are you Mrs. Shay?" One of the men asked.'''

Is she related to Walter Shay? Also, if they don't know that it is her, then why did they come out prepared like they were expecting her?

'''"Yes. This is my daughter. She's in need of help. I spoke on the phone yesterday about getting her revaluated." The men nodded. [...] One the men'''

Oh, there is a man named One now? What? There isn't? Then maybe you shouldn't have forgotten the word "of".

'''grabbed the girl by the arms and plopped her into the wheelchair, they each buckled the restraints keeping her in the chair. She thrashed and yelled at the men as they wheeled her into the hospital.'''

Great idea, let them know right off the bat that you have issues, instead of trying to act normal for an early release.

'''"That's not going to help your cause, Sweetie. We were told you slashed your mother with a knife? Tsk tsk." One of the men commented.'''

"Wow!" I say sarcastically "That dialogue is soooo something a real orderly would say!"

'''"Shut the fuck up! You don't know anything! Argh! Get me out of this fucking thing!" She kept thrashing her hands trying to get lose of the restrains but failed.'''

If you knew ANYTHING about how psychiatric wards work, you would know that every word digs you deeper and deeper, kid.

'''One of the men wheeled her into a room, while the other walked elsewhere. The room number was A-301. It reeked a mix of urine and bleach. There was a bed that also had its own set of restraints, it looked clean as far she the girl could see. There was a nightstand by the side of the bed, it that accompanied a lamp and a bible.'''

Bible should be capitalized. Also, I think it is a good thing that they have on there, this kid obviously needs Jesus. Too bad I don't think she can read, though.

'''There was one small window with thick, silver bars. In the distance all you could see where trees. The other man walked back into the room, he had a syringe in his hand. The needle shinning in the room light.'''

'''"W-what are you doing with that? Get away from me!" Her screeches echoed in the room as the man grabbed her arm tightly and injected the sharp needle into her.'''

She mustn't be too much of a badass if she is scared of something as simple as a needle. To be fair, people with a phobia of needles aren't cowards or anything at all, and being in a psych ward you should be afraid of what they are putting into your body.

'''The girl's eyes rolled to the back of her head, the room and everything around her faded to black as he pressed the plunger down. The girls slowly opened her eyes to view a white ceiling, slowly sitting up, she noticed her change of clothes. [...]'''

'''"Oh.. Hello my name is Nurse Amy. I came here to check up on you and inform you of how we're going to be helping you. Your parents seemed very concerned with your behavior lately. While you were, um, asleep, we contacted your parents about your room placement as well as how long you would be staying. With that being said, I have some questions for you. Answer them to the best of your ability, okay?" The nurse clicked her pen and got her notepad ready, the girl nodded slightly.'''

'''"Where is my mother?" The girl asked nervously.'''

WAAH! I WANT MY MOMMY!

"Okay. What's your name?"

'''"You should already know that..." The nurse raised her eyebrow in annoyance.'''

"Oookay. What are you feeling right now?"

Yeah, that would totally be an acceptable answer!

'''"I'm feeling... anxious. I'm used to being forgotten, abandoned... I don't like it." The girl hugged her knees to her chest as the nurse took down what she said.'''

Then maybe you shouldn't have acted like an ass.

'''"Last question. Have you been paranoid? Like hearing voices or feeling someone watching you?" The girl kept her gaze in front of her, she kept thinking about the voice that talked to her. Its words played over and over in her head. The nurse snapped her fingers, the girl jumped and looked at the nurse.'''

'''"You here with me, Hun?" The nurse asked as she frowned her brows.'''

'''"Yeah... Yeah, I've heard voices. They talked to me, they gave me a gift." The nurse nodded and finished her notes. She clipped her pen to the notepad and looked at the girl.'''

'''The girl stopped and fell to her knees, holding her head in her hands as the weight overcame her again. She bit her lip making it bleed, digging her nails into her scalp as her head began to pound. She trembled and mumbled under her breath.'''

In real life the nurse would call the orderlies who would medicate her.

The girl swung her arm up to stab the nurse with the blade.

What blade? I hope you don't mean that stupid looking "weapon" she got in the woods, because all of her belongings would be confiscated. She would also be confronted about the lame weapon, anyway.

'''"Yes, little one..." A deep voice called out. The girl jumped startled but soon realized what it was.'''

"I-.. did I just?"

"Yes, you did. Now get out of here before they grow suspicious of the nurse's absence."

Yes, taking a while to examine a patient will TOTALLY raise suspicion.

'''The girl nodded and quickly looked through the dresser next to the bed. She found her old clothes and threw them on quickly before grabbed the blade and putting it in the holster.'''

First of all, I doubt her clothes would still be there in the office. Second, what holster?

Before leaving, the girl took the nurse's coat, along with a facemask she found in another drawer and walked out of the room with the coat covering her clothes.

Why the Hell was there a mask in the office? I can tell you why, because the author wants to make her shitty OC look cool and edgy.

Other doctors and nurses walked up and down the hallway, too busy pushing other patients down the hallway or filling out paper to notice anything different.

Yeah, nobody would notice what could be a patient escaping! A place like this would SOOOOO not have security cameras being watched at all times, u guize! Also, that mask definitely would have made her stand out.

'''A door stood at the end of the hall with a glowing red 'exit' sign above it. The girl walked faster to the door and pushing it open.'''

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF ASYLUM DOESN'T KEEP THEIR DOORS LOCKED AT ALL TIMES?! CHRIST! Author's negative-digit idea about how asylums work really shows here.

'''She looked around and noticed the big trees that sat off in the distance: the wooded area she saw when she was in her room. [...] Deeper into the woods there was a light, it was red and glowing, piercing through the trees. '''

'''"Hello, again little one... We finally meet." The girl heard something in front of her, she slowly moved her eyes to the voice. She went to open her mouth and speak but slowly shut it and kept her focus to a figure.'''

Slender Man probably.

'''The figure put its claw to her forehead, just enough to touch it and not pierce her with how sharp it was. A chuckle rumbled from the figure as the light and all of that was surrounding her slowly dimmed. It was the last thing she felt before her vision went black for the final time.'''

Now we jump cut to home.

Riiiiing, riiiiing, riiiiing.

Author likes onomatopoeias, so she used one instead of telling us in detail that the phone was ringing.

'''"I'll get it!" Mrs. Shay called before answering the phone. "Hello? Yes, this is her mother speaking. What?!" What do you mean?!"'''

'''"Put the News on, you'll see it!" A muffled voice spoke on the other end.'''

Who the fuck is calling?

'''Mrs. Shay stammered as she slammed the phone back in place and ran to the living room, her husband there already had the News channel on. They both stood there with their mouth agape, Mrs. Shay covered her mouth as the News reporter spoke.'''

Hopefully they are doing a news story about the asylum getting a big fat fine for allowing one of their patients to murder a staff member and escape.

"Two teenagers and a nurse dead. The two teenagers were identified by family as Scott McAwley and Davin Smith.

Oh wow, we do get closure concerning the bullies.

'''They were found dead in a forest not to far from their local high school, both brutally murdered. As for the nurse, she was found dead in a patient's room stabbed in the chest and left to die.'''

How do they know these murders are connected?

Authorities believe the murderer in both cases was the patient that had been left there to get treated for her mental health and behavior issues.

Wow, they came to that conclusion fast.

'''The patient's name has remained confidential in accordance with the police investigation. The patient has yet to be located, along with any murder weapons. If you have any information on this please call your local police. More on this at 6:00."'''

'''Her father plopped on the couch and took his belt off, shaking it as he cracked his neck. The belt jingled in his hand as he threw it to the side of the couch, landing where his daughter used to sit.'''

He should have beaten her harder with it, or kept her in the basement.

Like I said, I hate this story. Really badly. It is, by far, the worst Jeff knock-off I have ever read. This isn't even so bad it's funny, it just sucks! I can't even offer any constructive criticism over it, it just sucks! I probably should not have even archived it, it should have just been erased from the internet and forgotten.

Fading Akura
Akura was 8 when he went into care

What kind of care? Judging by the fact that this is an OC story, probably a mental institution. Also, CHILDREN ARE NOT SCARY!

he didn't know why but he felt he had to protect his family he had left

Oooh, soooo deep! He has to leave his family because he is afraid he will hurt them. That is soooo edgy, dark, and deep!

... that would appear more difficult than he would believe...

Here's a tip for you, dumb-dumb: ellipsis looks stupid when used in narration.

Akura was an albino (Ocular albinism)

Probably because Jeff's face is white.

his hair was white

I'm surprised it isn't black to be honest with you.

and his eyes were red,

I'm surprised they aren't two different colors. Also, this sounds lame, not cool. Red eyes have been a cliche almost forever.

he was bullied in his primary school for this (sorry I am English so I don't say things like grades because that's American).

Ok, first of all, of course he was bullied. Every shitty Jeff rip off is. Honestly, it would be a gigantic plot twist if he wasn't bullied.

Second, that last part. Just... WHAT?! Is author really that stupid that they don't know that we use the word "primary school", too? And even if we didn't there would be NO reason to explain that he is English. Seriously this one just blows my mind! It is not even like these words are so different that you need to point out that they are the same thing. It almost sounds like he is trying to avoid sounding American like it would be a disgrace. Then again, we are talking about someone who writes a story so shitty that it gets panned even on a low quality site.

He was in the same care hope for 6 years and he never liked it there.

That means he would have been a two years old when he started, if he is eight now.

'''His carers would abuse him and his sisters would pick on him. This is how it started....'''

Yet he chooses to go through with it, anyway. Also, of course they pick on him. I would pick on my brother too if he was the main character of a shitty OC story.

(Akura's POV) my life is pretty care free I love how I live

AUTHOR: OC's life is sooooo terrible!

CHARACTER: My life is great!

Also, I'm sure author had not real way of telling this story, so they just cheaply wrote it in the OC's point of view.

my mum is sweat

Your mom's sweat? Like, literally made of sweat? Or are you saying she is so sexy that she is "sweat" as in hot?

'''my dad is... annoying but fun to be around (annoying because he never stopped talking)'''

I'm willing to bet ANY amount of money that the parents turn out to be abusive.

I have 3 full sisters we all go to the same school what could go wrong.

BULLEEEZ! That's what.

'''I wake up and get dressed for school I pull on my school shirt button it up... you know usual routine that I did every morning, I'm a year 4 and I get on with quite a lot of people.'''

EVERYONE LOVES MY GRAY STU! HE IS SOOOO SPECIAL!

'''I walk down the stairs with my sisters as we all shared a room. (he is 7 nothing wrong with this)'''

Just when you don't think author can get any stupider, he spouts this bullshit. First of all, yes there is something wrong with it. Unless they are still babies, there is no reason you should put them in the same room. They're going to (hopefully) mature to a point where they are going to need privacy, and what happens when they get older and start to fornicate? I don't know, maybe wincest is author's thing.

my dad was shouting witch

He was shouting at a witch? Well it can't be your mother. As we've already established, she is made of sweat.

was quite unusual for him he does have mental problems but I never took what he said and did to heart, I knew he didn't mean none of it.

He has mental diseases yet decided to procreate four times. What an asshole.

'''"who has taken it?!" he askes in an angry tone of voice. "Who has taken what dad?" I ask him.'''

CHARACTER: Dad is the greatest!

DAD: *acts like an asshole*

This narration is unreliable.

'''he looks around again and then looks straight at me "You took it didn't you!" he shouts, it wasn't really a question... or at least I don't think it was.'''

Well there was no question mark, so, as a reader, I have to assume that it was a statement. Also, how do you not know if something is a question or not. Also, NEW PARAGRAPHS WHEN CHANGING SPEAKERS!

'''"Again what was taken?" I ask with a sigh. "IF I DONT GET MY CREDIT CARD BACK BY THE END OF THE DAY YOUR ALL GROUNDED!" he shouts. this scared me'''

OH NO, NOT BEING GROUNDED! THAT IS LIKE THE WORST THING A PARENT CAN DO TO THEIR CHILD!

I was always good I had done nothing wrong and honestly I didn't know what the god damn hell a credit card was!

MY GARY STU IS SOOO PERFECT AND WELL BEHAVED! IT'S EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS BAD!

Also, even at seven years old, how the Hell do you not know what a credit card is?

'''After me and my sisters ate we walked to school together, mum walking just a little behind. "mum why was dad so angry, what did we do?" my younger sister Skyler askes.'''

Your sister has a boy's name, but then again I should expect that from this brain-dead family. Also "askes"? How about you proof read your shit and put it through a spell checker before making yourself look like an idiot!

'''my mum sighs and looks down to the ground. "you have done nothing wrong sweaty,'''

So is the whole family made of sweat or just the sister and mom?

none of you have, your dads

So they have more than one dad?! I KNEW IT! YOU WHORE!

just angry because he lost his card" my mum answers sorrowfully. I could feel the lump form in my throat I wanted to cry...

WUSSY!

I thought it was me he shouted at I hadn't taken in what my mum said I thought she blamed me too.

How in the fuck did you come to that conclusion?

(later that day/ in school/ thrive/ therapy)

Or you could have just said school's psychiatrist office or something similar.

I was crying my thrive/therapy teacher trying to calm me down...

Which one is it a teacher or a psychiatrist? I don't know, maybe the teacher gives this kid advice so he calls her a psychiatrist.

I had told her about what happened in as much detail as I could... I wish I hadn't. I spent the rest of the school day in that thrive/therapy room that day.

My patient/student/whatthefuckever just told me about something terrible his insane dad did. Better ignore this.

at the end of the day I'm called to the main office and am told some social workers were coming to pick me and my sisters up

This is probably one of the most realistic things I ever seen in a Jeff inspired story, honestly.

'''I didn't question this because I was so used to it. we drove the short distance back to the house'''

... And author decided to ruin that credibility by this being a regular occurrence without them doing anything, and by having them take them back to the house. At the beginning of the story we were told how "wonderful" Gary Stu's parents were, but here we are being told that this family has reoccurring problems. Which one is it?

'''I looked out the window to see a cop car and my mum talking to the police officer. my oldest sister sue'''

Wow, her parents were so negligent that they gave her a name that is not properly capitalized.

got out the car and walked towards my mum and the police man and started to talk to them, she then ran back to the car and asked us to come into the house and sit on the sofa.

OFFICER: Wellp, these people are suspected abusers. Better let their children near them.

I knew European police were useless, but JESUS CHRIST!

'''after my mum came into the house she told us what had happened, my thrive teacher had gone and told the social workers about what happened and they were taking our dad away. I cried for weeks it was all my fault!'''

Honestly, it sounds like he should have been taken away a long time ago.

(a few weeks later)

my mum was struggling to look after us all there were 4 of us and 1 of her we had, had regular contact with our dad after he was taken away so I felt a little better.

I'm not going to waste my time talking about how these children would have been taken to a foster home, or how both parents would get in trouble. The problem here is, there is no way in Hell they would let him have contact with the children.

For some reason one morning my mum was acting really nervous, I wanted to question her about it but it seamed I didn't have to...

What has seams? Are you talking about an event or cloth?

After a phone call my mum was having she came up stairs to where me and my sisters were changing.

In the same room, probably.

'''" hey guess what!" my mum says clearly anxious. we all stop what we are doing and look up at her.'''

Oh, nice! I was right, they ARE changing in the same room. I bet this scene is making the author hot.

" wah" my youngest sister sapphire giggles playfully.

Is she an infant? If so, why is she changing her own clothes? And how? Also, why are you putting spaces AFTER the first set of quotation marks.

'''my mum smiles at her and looks to each of us, "No school today... we are going to ur dads parents house... how does that sound?" she askes. we look at her confused and nod.'''

"ur"? Is there grandparents' house in Ur of the Chaldees? Were they Abraham's neighbors before he became a prophet? They must be super old if they live in an ancient civilization. Seriously though, that right there shows us how bad the author's spelling is, and how he didn't give enough of a fuck to put it through a spell checker.

(6 years later)

WHAT HAPPENED AT THEIR GRANDPARENTS' HOUSE?! Seriously, why mention it if you're not going to go anywhere with it.

not much happened in those six years but what happened after we went to my grandparents house will always be the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life

So, instead of telling you guys what happened and how, I'm going to jumpcut to the future and summarize what happened. Also "not much happened"? Sounds like a lot happened!

'''we went to Ireland on a boat. we were practically homeless at that point but the police found us and we ended up in England again...'''

So they got deported for being there illegally? At least that is what I am assuming happened. It's not like author gave enough detail for us to comprehend what they are trying to project.

'''this time we weren't with are parents but luckily me and my sisters got to stay together... but then a thing happened...'''

How are you surviving?

I had, had enough of the bullies but they were right I was ugly...

What bullies? The ones you mentioned only once before but didn't bother to show us?

I was put with the worst carers ever and had to put up with them for 5 years

Wow, time flies in this story.

I don't regret my decision to die

You killed yourself? Dude, your life sounds bad, but I'm sure there is help out there somewhere!

half my head of hair black

"I have the worst carers, but yet they buy me hair die (sic)". Seriously though, I had a feeling this was going to happen because Jeff's hair is black. Honestly, I'm surprised he didn't dye... oh sorry "die" all of it, to be honest with you. Maybe author thought it would make him sound original.

and put one blue contact in

Hmm... Now who do I know that has two eye colors? CHRISTIAN! WESTON! CHANDLER!

( on the side of the back hair witch is left side)

Your hair is a witch? Is this the witch your dad was yelling at earlier on in the story? I love pointing out people's typos in acerbic ways.

my hair was long and platted at the back, I thought it looked cool and that's all that mattered to me...

It looks lame to everyone else. Good luck getting laid!

'''especially when I dropped out of school and what I'm only 14... and?!'''

By my calculations, according to what you've told us, you would have only been thirteen years old. You can't spell and you sure as hell can't math.

'''I lived with two girls one was 16 and the other was 13 but she acted 5... I hate her and always will she is a b*tch...'''

There was literally no reason you had to censor yourself.

'''with brown hair and more human than dog... weeeeeelllll.'''

Who said anything about dogs? Probably just a shoe-horned in way for author to make a snarky comment that he thought was funny. Not only do you fail at math, spelling, and story telling, but you also fail miserably at making a joke.

the 13 year old was called Ruby but I like to call her the RAT, it suits her.

Since you didn't actually show us anything she did, I'm assuming you're just being an asshole to her and she's acting up back. Besides, shouldn't you be used to this with your father? She obviously has a serious development issue, so most of it probably isn't even her fault.

the 16 year old is called Maggie, she is annoying at times but when we are civil we are like sisters.

We are like sisters? Do you realize you just called yourself a girl?

'''Ruby used to be such a pain, when I was reading she would poke me and whine and try and hug me... At night she would nock on my wall or bang on my door or complain to the adults that I was making too much noise... I wasn't making any just so you know.'''

Wow another lie. "We were like sisters, but she was also a huge bitch!"

now let me tell you what made me kill everyone in the house...

Here it comes...

'''and no it wasn't with a knife I was never allowed to touch those... they always locked them away!'''

Gee, wonder why. Also "LOOK GUYS! I'M NOT DOING WHAT JEFF DID! I'M SOOOOO ORIGINAL!"

I was sat on my sofa reading a comic on my phone

mY cArErS aRe AbUsIvE, bUt YeT tHeY gAvE mE a PhOnE!

'''wile ruby and Maggie were arguing over something... they were getting on my damn nerves. Being me I just sat there and tried to ignore them but I could feel my blood boil with hatred as they disturbed me from the one thing I enjoyed [...] I heard something drop so I looked up... biiiiig mistake, a pear was throw straight.at.me. I stood up with a bleeding fore head from how hard ruby had thrown it and I ran after her... I could literally see red I wanted her DEAD!'''

"Red" and "dead" rhyme.

Unfortunately I couldn't get to her as the adults had stood in the way and like the pussy she is she ran up stairs and locked herself in her room.

Why didn't they do anything about it?

After having the scratch on my forehead out

You made it sound deeper than a scratch.

'''I went to bed, I was still furious... later that night I got a message on an app I used, it was from ruby'''

You mean she texted you?

'''what she put will never be forgiven and its what lead me to ... oops don't wanna ruin the story...'''

LOL! LAME! Also, we are never told what that thing is.

(1:00 in the morning)

'''I got out of bed filled with bloodlust... I couldn't hold it in anymore no one understood me... no one cared. I wanted to end myself but I knew there was a better option... KILLING EVERYONE WHO HURT ME! starting with the rat!'''

You have problems, son.

'''I climbed onto my wardrobe and took down my old suitcase full of stuff I didn't use much, I dragged it down and onto my messed up bed. I unzipped the suitcase I looked through it... an old book, drawing of my family, old bottle of shampoo ... AH! found it! I took out a razor'''

You're only thirteen, but yet you have a years-old razor. WTF?

'''and some gloves out of the bottom of the suitcase. both items were black, they would be red in a minuet... I laugh quietly to myself.'''

Fucking lame, man!

'''I packed up some bags I knew I would have to run away I wasn't stupid... I remembered seeing a woods nearby what was it called... sl-sle... nah'''

OH MY GOD! SERIOUSLY?! Of course there are woods, there is a forest behind every house in Shittycreepypastaland. Also, it's obvious where you are going with this. You are going to try to shoe-horn in Slender Man because this story doesn't have any good characters.

I snuck out my room

Wow, how did you carry your entire room?

'''and went to the door on the right... good it was unlocked I quietly opened the door and stepped into the room. ruby was asleep. I walked over to her silent figure, I could feel my blood boil and my anger rise I shoved a pillow over her face and sat on it.'''

I have a razor for a weapon... NO WAIT! I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE WITH A PILLOW!

'''I grabbed her wrist and in seconds had slit it. I heard a muffled scream and then she went still, I had cut her deep...'''

Spelling, story telling, math, joke telling, and biology. Wow, you suck at a lot, author! Do you know how long it would take for someone to bleed out through their wrists, no matter how deep the cut? It can take about fifteen minutes for a long, deep one to completely kill someone.

'''I took the pillow off her face and smiled at her ugly face. she had bitten her tongue and her eyes were wide open. I cut the bottom of her eyes and made it look like she was crying blood. I got up from were I was sitting on the bed and looked down at her body. I stuck my finger in her blood and wrote on her wall 'This is what you did to me!' I stood away from the wall and marvelled my masterpiece.'''

I'M SOOOOO EDGY! LOOK AT ME!

'''I started to look around the room for a hair clip I could use to try and unlock the adults doors because they always locked them. I found one in a make up bag and left the room quietly. I went to the adults door witch was left to my room and looked into the lock. I bended and twisted the hair clip into shape so I could get into the room... CLICK... the door opened. I courteously walked into the large room and over to the adults. I killed them the same way I killed the girl ruby and left a different message on the wall 'come find me if you dare' and walked out of that room.'''

And yet no one tried to stop you with your time consuming method.

I didn't want to have to kill Maggie but I didn't want her to see what I had done, she was like a sister to me

Oh well, just gonna kill her anyway. I'm that edgy!

'''I couldn't put her through the pain of seeing the dead bodies in the house and then realising it was me... even if I was now a murderer I still cared I still had people to protect and that is why I had to kill her. I walked really slowly towards her room and then heard a noise... it came from her room! she opened the door and saw me, I had blood all over me. she walked over to me probably not realising what I had all over me, and asked "hey are you alright Akura?". I nodded then grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her towards me. I put my hand over her mouth before she could scream and with my other had I brought the razor to her throat.'''

Like strangling someone, cutting someone's throat deep enough for it to be fatal is harder than movies make it look.

she struggled in my grip and even tried kicking me in my cotch!

"That's right, Bobby. I believe you will find that I have no testicles." Also, what is a cotch? Is it near the crotch?

she wasn't getting away with that so with one quick hand motion I slit her throat.

EEEEEEEEEEDGY!

'''blood poured out all over me and I laughed. even if I had just killed someone who I cared for it was enjoyable. the warm sticky, irony blood was enough to make my heart go wild I was full of pleasure but I didn't understand why. I wanted to kill more...'''

"I loved her, even though she was a bitch, but don't know why I was happy to kill her" basically.

i didn't bother leaving another message I was wary someone might of heard something

"might of"? You mean "might have" Also who? And how? And why didn't anyone in the house hear anything?

so I hurried out of the front door and along the road.

I imagine him getting hit by a car XD

it was dark so I was confident only a few drunk people would see me but they would probably think they were going insane themselves or just brush it off as a dream when they wake up.

And nobody stopped me because people don't exist unless they are intoxicated!

'''I ran with my bag on my back all the way to the woods and I looked down and squinted my eyes at the sign... slende-... I fell on my knees in pain, there was a loud ringing sort of noise in my ears. I covered my ears and dug my nails into my head, blood trickled down the sides of my face. I looked up and saw a tall pale faceless creature, it seemed to tilt its head at me and then... I blacked out...'''

My characters suck, so I imported a good one in hopes to make this story likeable.

Why McDonald's uses Frozen Meat
'''It was a nice day. . . For a worker at McDonald's'''  If you work at McDonald's no day is a nice day.

until a strange man with a black hoodie and slack jeans came in.

Wow, a hoodie, how original! Why do twelve year olds think hoodies are scary and/or cool? They look trashy if you ask me.

When the worker asked the man to pay, he noticed that his wallet had hundreds of dollars.

Of course, having money is unusual to someone who is struggling to make some.

The Worker was forcefully inquisitive, and demanded how he got all of that money.

"None of your fucking business, wage slave!" Jokes aside though, I doubt a worker would ask that.

(See, the worker was barely getting by with the money he had)

No shit, dummy. He's a fast food worker, not a doctor!

“Well you see, it’s called a monopoly.” He said with a glint of acrimony in his eyes.

I can't play Monopoly, I'm at work.

“What is your secret, I won’t tell anyone else it?” He asked

Seriously, what is this guy's problem? Asking personal questions like that could probably get this already ill treated employee a good scolding from his boss.

“I guess I can tell you” He leaned closer to the worker, “Francisco Redi conducted an experiment that showed that flies grew from not meat, but they were attracted to it.

Really? He needed to do an experiment to figure that out? What a dumbass!

The secret is, that you let the flies eat the meat, then one it is all gone

when it is all gone.

and you have all the flies in one room you put them in a blender, and then you have great meat.” After that, the man walked out of the building with a smug look on his face.

And as he stood there spouting this bullshit, a line of customers formed behind him, growing increasingly angry over having to wait to place their orders.

The man did what the man said

Is this the dumbest fast food employee in the world? He asks customers personal questions, goes ahead and does something without getting permission from his boss, and to put a cherry on the sundae, said thing is unsanitary.

'''and he put the flies and meat in a separate room. When he came back in there he gathered them into a jar.'''

Is he the only person who works at this McDonald's? Why isn't any of the other employees stopping him or doing something?

He winced as he turned on the blender and he could hear their exoskeletons being smashed.

Those flies must be dumb as shit if they don't just fly away whenever he opens the jar.

'''He clicked the puree button, and the smashing just got worse. He ran out of the room for a couple minutes forgetting the blender entirely.'''

How in the fuck...?

'''Until at the end of the shift he realized he had forgotten to turn it off. He ran in and saw the perfect meat still being turned by the blades.'''

He did this for a while and yes, the customers loved it.

As Omenyaa pointed out, those burgers would be awful.

That was until someone found the wing of a fly in their burger, and called the health inspector.

It would be too small for them to find, and if they did find it, they would probably discount it as an onion, or it would be covered in a condiment and unrecognizable. Is this customer so paranoid that they take the top bun off of their sandwich to make sure nothing funky is in it?

And calling the health inspector is a pretty drastic action for something that might not have even been the restaurant's fault.

The health inspector came the next day and was horrified by all of the meat that was crawling with maggots that the people were eating.

This reminds me of the Nasty Patty episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.

That location was shut down for good, and they used frozen meat from then on.

How can they use frozen meat "from now on" if it was shut down?

'''The one thing is, they never found the man who did it. He could still be working at a different location near you.'''

Nah, I doubt it. Ironically, this story actually made me hungry for McDonald's. The author obviously doesn't know about bug meat, or how edible bugs actually are.

I'm going to end this part of my rant by pointing out the obvious: McDonalds uses frozen meat because it would otherwise spoil.

Silly Willy's
'''Alan Carter: Does anyone know about this place? It was called "Silly Willy's."'''

Not only does this story rip Candle Cove off by taking place on a message board, it also plagiarizes its first line.

'''I think it was open in the 80s or 90s. I can't remember though.'''

How in the Hell do you not know what decade something was opened? I'll tell you how: because this is another line ripped from Candle Cove. However, it makes more sense in Candle Cove because it was only a year or two's difference, not an entire decade.

'''I know it was a family friendly restaurant. The mascot was named Silly Willy who was a dog.'''

Sounds like Warner Bros. should sue for infringement. That name sounds dangerously close to Chilly Willy.

'''Brianna Oakley: Yes Alan i remember this place. It was a pizza restaurant with a arcade.'''

"With "a" arcade"? I shouldn't expect this dumb bitch to be able to spell if she is a character in a shitty story.

'''It opened in the 80s. I know this because of how the cars looked.'''

"How the cars looked"? Are you looking at a photograph or watching something on TV? Does the author live in a world where people don't drive older cars? Is this seriously how the character is supposed to remember? Not any particular events or anything, just how the cars looked? Why do the cars stand out so much in Shittycharacternumbertwo's memory so much?

'''I remember a girl talking to Willy about why he grinds his teeth. Willy said. "So i can EAT YOUR FLESH." It was a scary moment'''

THIS TOTALLY DOES NOT SOUND LIKE THE SKIN TAKER SAYING "TO GRIND YOUR SKIN", U GUIZE!

'''Carl Dickens: When i went to Silly Willy's it was scary. Willy would grind his teeth alot and sometimes would be seen with human flesh in his mouth. I thought it was a nightmare.'''

Yeah, because that would be allowed. Also, your name is a shitty version of Charles Dickens, though I'm sure the author of this story never heard of him.

'''Alan Carter: Wow! Alot of memories of that restaurant is alot of nostalgia. One time when i went there Willy was acting weird. I followed Willy where he was going. Willy went to the fun zone (which is the play place) where i found a human hand in the ball pit. I can't believe no one found this. I reported it to the manager, but he didn't do nothing.'''

And yet somehow this place didn't get into any trouble. They would get in trouble in the blink of an eye if someone lost one of their body parts, but then again they would also get in trouble if they do any of this shit anyway.

Brianna Oakley: I don't know why the manager of the restaurant won't do nothing about dead people in the building.

That would TOTALLY be allowed, u guize! Seriously though, I'm imagining people entering the building and stepping over dead bodies. One of them sighs and says "I wish they would hire someone to pick up these dead bodies!" Does this story take place in a world where dead bodies aren't disposed of, companies don't get in trouble for disregarding safety regulations, and nobody is bothered by dead bodies of their fellow man unless they get in the way? Also, what's killing them?

'''One time when i went to Silly Willy's i asked the manager why there were spooky noises. The manader said. "A long time ago a girl who was 5 years old came here. She wanted to play in the arcade. So we gave the family tokens to play. The girl then went to the ball pit, but she never came out. The family then sued us." That was all he said.'''

If a manager told me that I would laugh my ass off. Wtf is this place that has so much money that they aren't brought down by a gigantic lawsuit? Did the family sue for only a few hundred dollars? I doubt it. Everyone in this story is an idiot, so they probably just settled for tokens and free admission passes. Also, why the Hell is he being so honest about it?

'''Carl Dickens: I used to work at Silly Willy's as a janitor. While cleaning the floor a fellow worker named David said that he wanted to commit suicide.'''

Obviously you didn't give a shit. Maybe you hated him and wanted him to kill himself. He could have been reaching out to you, and you could have been his last chance, but who gives an F?

'''I thought it was strange that he wanted kill himself. I thought Silly Willy's was a fun place, but it wasn't.'''

LOL!

'''I asked David why he wanted to commit suicide. David said. "I can't the voices out of my head, I just can't." Then i saw him take a gun and shot himself.'''

Where did the gun come from?

Brianna Oakley: There used to be another mascot at Silly Willy's. His name was Head Cutter.

Like the Skin Taker.

'''While he was the other mascot a little boy asked him why he moves his mouth like that. Head Cutter said. "So i can CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF." It scared me too pieces.'''

Dude, you already ripped that line off of Candle Cove. Remember the main mascot dog who disappeared from the story said something similar?

The restaurant removed the mascot for being to scary.

Manager: "Yep, we're getting sued for killing our patrons, but we'd better get rid of a mascot for being too scary."

Alan Carter: I visited my mom at her house today.

Here it comes...

'''I asked her about me in the 80s and Silly Willy's. My mom said. "I know when you were a little boy in the 80s. I always thought it was strange when you said. "I'm going to Silly Willy's now mom." And you would play in the backyard for an hour. You had a big imagination with your imaginary restaurant."'''

Not only did the author knock off the ending of Candle Cove, they also did it in the most ass way possible. I suppose we should have expected this anyway.

You child says they are going somewhere you never heard of and you just brush it off. Then they "go" somewhere which is in the backyard, yet somehow he doesn't realize the difference between going a few miles to an actual place and simply going outside.

It worked in Candle Cove because the children saw the show through a television. This, on the other hand, is just a bunch of stupid kids going in their backyard doing God knows what.