Review: Spongeb0b's Schizophrenia

I'm going to restart where I left off, with a story called Spongeb0b's Schizophrenia. The reason I revisited this story, which I quit halfway through, is because it actually had potential to be something good. As contradictory as this sounds, the author put a lot of effort into this story, while at the same time, taking as many shortcuts as possible.

The author made videos of the "episodes" the main character encounters, and even made a wiki for it. All of this is hollowed by all of the shortcuts the author took. For example, the wiki is bare and seems to have been abandoned by the author, episode pages include no to minimal information, the entries are very repetitive, and the "episodes" are crammed with violent things happening for no reason.

As Tobby and I have pointed out, despite the effort the author put into it, it was doomed from the start by being a SpongeBob Creepypasta. If that alone wasn't enough to doom it, everyone from the get-go expects this story to be a direct rip-off of Squidward's Suicide (which it borrows a few tropes from). While many would assume it's a rip-off of Squidward's Suicide, the author seems to have been inspired by Happy Appy and Candle Cove Experiences: Tales of the Laughingstock by making it a blog about a lost show being searched for by a main character who comes into contact with crew members, only to be menaced by a strange figure.

As I had mentioned above, this story is very repetitive. Every journal entry can be summed up like this:

>I got a call/e-mail from a person who worked on the show

>I got a new tape with an episode on it

>Violent things happened in the episode

>Jill and Phillip are assholes! > : (

The repetitiveness is the reason I quit halfway through in my first review of it. In fact, I had to force myself through this review because the repeated cycle made this boring to read. In an imaginary world where SpongeBob Creepypastas aren't done to death, and where Squidward's Suicide doesn't exist, this story would be ruined by the fact that every entry is just like the last, with the only difference being the person the main character comes into contact with, and the contents of the tape.

The "episodes" themselves are made up of slightly out of the way things happening, and pointless violence. Everything in them happens for no reason, and nothing seems to be connected to the previous scene. While one could say that the author intended this, since this is about mental illness, I have severe doubts that it was intentional. It is clear that this was work that was written without any planning, especially since the events in the story repeat themselves over and over again.

If we were to look past the fact that the story is unoriginal, that it is a SpongeBob pasta, and that it is repetitive, it is riddled with unintentionally hilarious things that make it look like a Trollpasta.

Another flaw with this story is that the "episodes" are inconsistent with each other. Characters die/get murdered only to show up just fine in the next. While this is true with real life television, it's hard to be scared of what's going on when you know that the characters will be just fine in the next episode. The only time this is retconned is when Aidan (the main character) finds a prequel episode. Also, another thing I've noticed, is that Phillip's name keeps alternating between having two ls and just one.

The story starts with the main character, Aidan, introducing himself. If it's one positive thing I have to say about this story is that the author chose not to go with the "MY SECRET IDENTITY!" cliche we're all tired of. Aidan explains that a Betamax tape was recently discovered at Nickelodeon Studios, with the words  "SPONGEBOB SEASON 10 PREMIERE EPISODE." on it. Our praise to the author for not going with the MY SEECRUT IDENNIDY cliche dies down over the fact that they borrowed the "Supposed to be season premier episode of SpongeBob" and "The crew watched the tape" bits from Squidward's Suicide.

Aidan describes the episode. SpongeBob "looks crazy" (we're never told how) and says "The shadows play with me.". I couldn't help but laugh at this. This isn't the only unintentionally hilarious line this story, either. SpongeBob's voice sounds like a demon's and he foams at the mouth before taking an anti-psychotic pill, which does not effect him. He shoots "and kills Gary. His body isn't shown". How they know Gary is dead when we don't see the body is anyone's guess.

Squidward appears out of nowhere and tells SpongeBo to shut up. SpongeBob delivers the next hilarious line in this story: "The shadows shall engulf you, mere mortal. Give praise to them or perish". My light giggle turned into a full blown laugh when Squidward responds "Whatever" and "returns to bed". This part feels truncated. Where did Squidward come from? And when we're told he goes back to bed, I'm assuming his own house.

SpongeBob attacks the sleeping Squidward with a chainsaw. I'm going to recycle a joke I made in my initial review of this and say this is the Bikini Bottom Chainsaw Massacre, in which SpongeFace terrorizes Squiddy Hardesty with a chainsaw. The author throws in the cliche that Squidward's screams sound like a real person and not "cartoony". He screams "oH paTRicK! cOMe AnD pLay wiTh mE!!, which is one of many points this feels like a Trollpasta. The author was unaware that the style that dialogue was written in is often used to make fun of something stupid someone said.

After a string of pointless violence, SpongeBob comically marries Squidward's disembowled guts before stabbing himself to death. The episode's credits list Jill Frances and Phillip Refkenski as writers, and Jorges Pubenstein as an animator. I couldn't help but laugh at the name Pubenstein. It sounds like an alias an adult movie star would have.

As the reader may have already predicted, the crew members get sick over seeing this episode and require medical attention. They also refuse to say what happened after SpongeBob committed suicide. An audio track is found, which "is merely a strange static sound, but at nine minutes in, a strange, loud, distorted audio can be heard."

John Deff, an alleged Nickelodeon worker, irresponsibly sends the author a tape and a letter saying that he sent him the tape instead of destroying it like he was instructed to. Dear God, John must be Tom's father. Tom didn't listen when Kyle told him to destroy the Sonic.exe disk, and John didn't listen when the "head director of the animation department" told him to burn the tape. We're never given an explanation on how John got Aidan's address. This would be only one of many, MANY instances in which the main character gets in contact with someone who produced the show.

Fortunately the author does not repeat the summary of the episode, and picks up at SpongeBob's suicide. Mr. Krabs stands, looking at the wall, which reminded me of the ending of the Blair Witch Project. He opens the office door and an image flickers for a millisecond (which would have been too fast for anybody to see without slowing the video down). The main character says he doesn't want to know what it is, so we can only guess. The kitchen has "a mountain of dead bloody fish bodies" in it. Sandy hangs herself, and the tape cuts to "Spongebob's house in his room where his dead corpse was laying at."

SpongeBob's body stands up and stares at the viewer with "deep shade of yellow and red" eyes, his body riddled with slice marks, a chipped tooth and pale skin. He walks towards the viewer and the tape ends. The "screen went back to the vcr menu", which I hope is the author's way of seeing the empty blue screen instead of a DVD like menu. Somehow Aidan, unlike the entire adult creative crew behind SpongeBob, is not effected by the tape and simply puts it in his closet.

He receives an email from Jorges Pubenstein (giggle) who gives him his contact information. After harassing Jorge's phone voicemail three times, he finally gets a response. Jorges tells him that he was knocked out, tied to a chair in a warehouse, and forced to make the episode by "these 2 people". They clearly never considered how he was supposed to animate it if he's tied up, but somehow he does it. Jorges says that the static audio was of people getting murdered. How he knows this, or how this audio came in existence (let alone retrieved by Jill and Phillip) are never explained.

Here the cycle repeats itself for the first time. One of the people following his blogs is a man named Andrew Schizo, who freely gives Aidan his phone number. I don't think I even have to comment on Andrew's surname. Andrew tells him that he was hired as an animator for SpongeBob, and that Jill and Phillip told him they were managers for SpongeBob (!), and to follow them to their office. He goes to their "Abandoned Looking Office", and is knocked out. He awakes at the abandoned warehouse, and threatened into animating the episode. Aidan asks for more episodes.

Aidan receives a DVD containing the show's "credits". Aidan sees Steven Hillenburg's name on the credits, and somehow gets his phone number. He calls him, and we're given the "Creator has a breakdown over being asked about the show" cliche. Anyway, Steven says h hired two junior managers for SpongeBob (author should look into how producing a television show works), and they call him into their office. He somehow unexplanably ends up in the warehouse and they force him to write the episode. The hold him down and make him watch a tape that is "hell right in front of [him]." The call ends with Steven crying.

The cycle restarts, and Aidan receives a tape from Andrew containing "Spongebobs Schizophrenia Episode 2". The theme song is hilarious:

"Who has Schizophrenia"

"SpongeBob!"

"Who is gonna murder everyone?"

"Spongebob!"

"Who are you gonna hail too?"

"bobegnopS"

The episode is called "Spongebob Before The Murders". SpongeBob plays with a paddle ball before going to the kitchen to cut beef. He says "kill" under his breath and eats the raw meat before going outside. He goes to the Krusty Krab with Patrick, and asks him if he would ever kill someone. Patrick answers he hasn't, and SpongeBob tells him about the voices in his head telling him to. It cuts to the Krusty Krab kitchen, and in a scene inspired by Squidward's Suicide, a deep voice tells him to "Do it, kill them.". SpongeBob resolves to commit murder.

The blog is seemingly "hacked into" (ala Happy Appy) by Jill who threatens to "get" the author. Litearlly, she writes "I WILL GET YOU", which I thought was funny.

And, the cycle starts again. Aidan calls "tec" (whoever the fuck that is), who tells him that "these two fucks named Jill and Philip" took him to a warehouse and threatened that if he does not animate for them, he will "die in pain". "tec" is apparently racist because he compares his treatment to "a Black Slave in 1800's. They whipped and... punched me.". Unsympathetically, Aidan hangs up on him. Apparently SpongeBob's animation crew are a bunch of dumb fucks who never once considered going to the police and pressing charges against people who kidnapped, threatened, and assaulted them.

This is not the only question inducing plot hole. First off, how did these two assholes kidnap these people without anyone seeing them? And how did these people get home? Did they drive home? If so, that was a bad move on Asshole Phillip's and Bitch Jill's part, as these people could easily remember how to get to the warehouse and report it's location to the police.

So the cycle restarts, and Aidan gets an episode called "Running the boys". It has "better animation", even though we were never given any complaints about the other epsiodes' animation. SpongeBob and Patrick play on a video game system (even though both had been killed in the prior episode). "Out of nowhere" (which I think is ironically a bit of self-awareness on the author's part) fishes "that looked like 1950s gang members" rob SpongeBob, who pulls out a large sword and chases them. This is what I mean by when I said unintentionally funny things happen throughout the story. Eventually he chases them down an alley and SpongeBob slaughters the would-be robbers with the sword.

Aidan "finds" (or, as I read it, made) a wiki dedicated to Spongebob's Schizophrenia and receives a letter from Andrew who promises him a "treat". He then gets a phone call from an "unknown person", who apparently isn't unknown because he outright tells Aidan that he is Philip. Philip threatens to kill Aidan, who, like the entire SpongeBob animation crew, doesn't go to the police.

The "treat" Andrew gives him is an episode that starts with dialogue threatening to kill Tec (whose name is capitalized for the first time). SpongeBob realizes he needs to feed Gary, so he hijacks a vehicle. I am going to recycle my joke about this being Grand Theft Auto: SpongeBob Edition. He breaks into a house with sleeping fish and grabs an "unidentifiable object" before killing them. Again, the killing happens off screen, and I have no fucking clue what this has to do with needing to feed Gary. Anyway, he returns home and gives him food that "looks like mush covered in ketchup". Christ!

He receives a voicemail that is just static, and finds a website (probably his own wiki) with information about the episodes. If he is in fact referring to the wiki the author made, then I can tell you right now he didn't learn much as those pages are barren. The main page has a phone number, which he calls. He receives an automated message that says "Press 1 to Die Press 2 to Meet Phillip". He presses to and "a man with a hellish voice" says Hello. Aidan only says "hi" before hanging up like a wuss.

The author then plugs his wiki about the show, which I will quickly tell you about. As I had mentioned, the site is barren and seemingly abandoned. Articles about the "episodes" yield the kind of description you would find by hitting the "info" button on your TV remote (i.e. "In this episode, SpongeBob does this"), and sometimes tells you what characters appear. Despite the lack of effort in the site, the author has made videos about the "episodes" which I cannot review as I have not seen them. I assume they are like YouTube Poops. Even though the author is willing to painstakingly edit videos, he is not willing to give the episodes proper written summaries. If the episodes' pages did have any content in it, I assume it would be taken from the story. The wiki also has a phone number on the main page, which I looked up, and to my surprise it's a real number. It is the Nickelodeon Customer Service number.

Aidan receives an email from Nick Joons (get it? Nick Joones, Nicktoons?) who made "7 or 8 episodes. And an episode for Season 2". How the Hell a show with no commercial revenue, and was never released, got the funding to secure a second season is anyone's guess.

Aidan receives a Betamax of an episode called "No, No more". I'm someone who collects old media, and I have a few Betamax tapes, and I can tell you right now that it's not worth trying to transfer something new onto one. While the process is the same as transferring something to a VHS (i.e. hooking up a DVD player to the VCR), it's more of a pain in the ass because

A) You have to buy a Betamax

B) Blank Betamax tapes (unlike VHS tapes) aren't still being mass produced, so you would have to turn to eBay for one. As of writing, the cheapest one is $11 ($4.99 + $5.40 shipping and handling, rounded up to an even $11)

Even if we look past this and all the other problems with Betamax in general, WHY did they put it on a Betamax tape? And what were the odds that the author had a Betamax player?

Anyway Squidward congratulates the 1,000,000th customer who he leads into the kitchen where SpongeBob is cooking orange patties. Squidward introduces him to SpongeBob and Krabs, who circle him. Again, the killing takes place off screen as the fish screams "No, No More!".

Aidan looks "random" things up on Google like (and I'm not joking) animals, and towns. As if it weren't enough that this story is a mash-up of Squidward's Suicide, Happy Appy, and Candle Cove Experiences: Tales of the Laughingstock, the author strays into Barbie.avi and Abandoned by Disney territory. He finds a place "that looked pretty abandoned but looked brand new" that happens to be nearby, and decides to check it out. Tl;dr: it's an abandoned animation building with the abandoned warehouse where Phillip and Jill took their victims. There is a person tied to a chair mumbling about SpongeBob. Aidan unheroically leaves without trying to help him. While driving home, he sees a random man who he automatically assumes is Phillip, who he has never even seen before.

Aidan answers the made up question "Where did you find that info on the first blog?", and he explains that he found it while searching for SpongeBob stuff on the internet and ironically says that the website that introduced him to it "had a shit load of text". Well, I'm sure that text wasn't repetitive like this story is.

Aidan receives an episode called "Spongebob's Stories" and assumes it's the last of the seven episodes (even though Andrew said there was a second season). The intro has kids saying "Kill All!" and Aidan literally says he was not amused by it. SpongeBob writes a story, which he declares he will share with the people (there are people there now? I thought they were all fish. LOL) of Bikini Bottom. Mr. Krabs reads his story, screams, and runs. Squidward reads it and melts into liquid. SpongeBob scares the fish of Bikini Bottom with his story before feeling remorse for murdering Patrick.

Aidan receives a box with the word "Reel" on it, which he for some reason thinks is a prank. Here's a small scene that triggers the fuck out of me to the point that I had to cut up my comment on this into three paragraphs. He opens the box and finds "a 1930s reel tape and a projector". The author clearly has absolutely no knowledge of film stock.

First of all, the standard (I'm assuming) 35mm reels and stock size were the same in the 1890s as they were in the 1930s, and remained the same up until digital took over. Literally the only difference between an 1890s print and, let's say, a 2015 print would be the materials used to make it, color, and sound. So why that particular decade? My guess is that the author's knowledge of film history is as limited as his knowledge about how cartoons are made.

Second,

-"There sitting in a box was a 1930s reel tape and a projector"

-"1930s reel tape"

-"reel tape".

It's film, not tape. Magnetic tape came around in the 1940s, making the whole NINETEEN FURDDIES thing obvious bullshit. Film is transparent is moved by gears lifting and moving their sprocket holes, whereas tape is brown and moves smoothly from reel to reel. I mean, it's kind of plausible that it would be on broadcasting magnetic tape (the same way it's plausible an episode would be on Betamax), but I'm pretty sure the author was going for it being an actual film print. I'm also going to point out that it would be a huge, expensive pain in the ass to transfer something digital to actual film.

Third, BITCH DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH A FUNCTIONING FILM PROJECTOR COSTS? Like, I'm no peasant or anything, but I have held back on buying replacement projectors based on cost alone. I'm assuming that this 35mm because that was the official professional standard, and believe me, 35mm projectors are expensive as fuck. If you're lucky, you'll find a working for-home-use one for around $400. They still make 35mm projectors, mostly for theaters that either still use film stock or use it as a novelty, and those things go for at least a couple thousand. Also, WHO THE FUCK GIVES OUT FREE FILM PROJECTORS?!

The title card reads "The Life of Spongebob Squarepants", and genius Aidan assumes it was made by the same people who made the previous episode. SpongeBob's house is a box (whatever that means). Humorously, he goes to the kitchen which has boxes that include "Human Feet", "Bloody O's" and "Death Food". Even Aidan thinks it's funny until he feeds it to Gary who dies. SpongeBob buries the snail he just killed, while crying "for about 10-20 seconds".

He receives two tapes. One has the word "Blood" on it and the other "Alternate". He watches Blood, in which SpongeBob leaves Patrick's "house" after getting bored with the game they were playing. SpongeBob looks dehydrated and says (in an "old man type voice") "I need... it... I NEED IT NOW!" and runs to Sandy's house. Even though he ran to the dome (I'm assuming, the author just said "house") he sneaks into her tree house. He somehow doesn't wake Sandy as he draws blood from her arm with a needle. He does so with other residents of Bikini Bottom. In another humorous scene worthy of a Trollpasta, SpongeBob has a pool of blood in his living room, and he shouts "YAHOOO this is fun!". If the author made videos about this episode, it's obvious what his sources would have been.

Aidan then watches "Alternate" which has a title card that says "Suicide". SpongeBob is in bed, muttering to himself about "I must end it all" before crying. He grabs a gun and shoots himself. Piano music plays over an image of SpongeBob's grave. His hand reaches from the gravestone (as opposed to the ground, I suppose) and an image of his corpse appears. Apparently he isn't dead, as he runs down the street and into the Krusty Krabs where he says "Oh honey I'm home" before choking Krabs to death. SpongeBob chases Squidward and everything turns black except for SpongeBob who says "It's just you and me... Alfred."

Aidan receives an email from Andrew, who promises to give him a video based on a video game that "doesn't have them in it". Whoever the Hell they are. He receives a tape with the words "A bad night shift" on it. It's night and Krabs says goodbye to SpongeBob and Squidward, who hear a noise. They hide and the episode ends with a message telling the viewers to "Tune in for part 2!". Aidan finds a tape with the words "A bad night shift Part 2" but resolves to watch it the next day instead.

The episode "cuts" to a time card that says "2:00 AM" and SpongeBob and Squidward hiding in the "cash boat". If the author turned this into a video, it's clear he would have used footage from that episode where Nosferatu makes a cameo. SpongeBob sees a figure standing next to the boat. The figure (which is never given any description) comes close and "static happens". It cuts to SpongeBob looking at a wall before turning towards the viewer.

Aidan makes the unwise decision to open an email from someone he does not recognize. The email contains a link (which is for some reason censored), which, in yet another act of making very bad choices, Aidan clicks. It takes him to a message that thanks him for downloading and plays a video. The title card reads "Evil SpongeBob", and, I'm not joking, Aidan realizes it's an episode of SpongeBob. Once again SpongeBob lies in bed, murmuring before going downstairs. He grabs a knife and looks at Gary. He puts the knife on his wheel (?) and for some reason it's on Gary's shell. SpongeBob stabs the shell and the screen cuts to black. Gary, you know the character that was poisoned a few episodes ago?

A time card tells appears and says "March 15, 2013 7:30 P.M (sic)". This helps Aidan place the episode the day before SpongeBob murdered people, which kind of explains why dead people are still alive. SpongeBob talks to himself in an evil voice about the murders, and "Evil SpongeBob" chokes "calm SpongeBob". Evil SpongeBob declares his calm counterpart dead. SpongeBob looks at the viewer before saying some unintentionally funny shit.

Aidan comes to the "brilliant" conclusion that Evil SpongeBob is a spinoff of the original pilot episode

He receives an email from a stranger named Matt who not only asks him to hang out with him, but comes to his house. Aidan further proves that every decision he makes is a bad one, by letting Matt into his house. They talk about the show and Matt gives him 24 tapes he retrieved from the warehouse, and leaves. Aidan got lucky that Matt wasn't a murderer or a child molestor who preys on kids that don't know shit about stranger danger (or anything else, really).

Aidan is gone for a month (probably kidnapped by Matt and rescued by police) and in that time he learns that Spongebob's Schizophrenia was supposed to have 10 seasons (how the fuck this would have been possible is anyone's guess), there are more episodes, THE SERIES HAS A FANBASE (yeah, so does Sonichu) and that there are 25 cast and crew members for the series.

Aidan goes back to the warehouse where he finds Philip, who looks like a hobo and murmurs to himself. He jumps at Aidan who stabs him in the leg. Phillip comically crawls to him and bites his foot, flooring him. Phillip rips Aidan's hair and clothes off (because apparently rape makes it scary) before pulling out a gun. Aidan kicks him in the balls and runs. He receives an email from Philip who is pissed that he kicked him in the balls, and hopes he goes to Hell (not joking). Police don't exist in this world, apparently.

He later receives an email from Andrew. Once again the author triggers me with his lack of film knowledge as Aidan finds a "30mm" reel in a hole. I'm not even joking. A "30mm" reel. Honestly, I'm surprised that's as close to an actual film size as it is. I'm surprised he didn't say 2mm. When I saw this, I just wanted to shout "IT'S 35MM, DUMBASS!" in the author's face.

Anyway, for some reason Aidan doesn't watch it despite being given a free film projector. He complains about Phillip stalking him, and how Andrew went missing. He sees a news report about a "deranged sociopath on the loose". The police surround Aidan's house, but this apparently goes nowhere because he goes shopping. I'm not even joking.

The story continued, but I'm only reading what's available on LOLPasta. I did see the ending, which has Aidan's house being broken into. Instead of trying to escape or fight (who is presumably) Phillip, Aidan writes that they have come for him, and presumably dies.

Like I said, this could have been an interesting story. Even though Happy Appy and Candle Cove Experiences: Tales of the Laughingstock were blogs about a person looking into a "lost" show, and therefore anything that followed would have been seen as a knock-off, this one had potential to be more than just another imitator. The author put enough care into it to keep it going for like 3 or 4 years, started a wiki for it, and even went as far as to make videos for it. Had he used the same amount of effort in trying to keep the story original and filling out the wiki, it could have even been a breakthrough. A spell check and editing would have certainly improved it, even if by a small percent. Unfortunately, lack of originality, repetitiveness, inconsistency, poor spelling, lack of research ("30mm", anyone?) and cliche madness ruined its chances of beating the odds.

I'm going to end this review with a promise that next week's edition will be in my classic Nitpicks style. Thank you all for reading.