"Never... Never"

It was a cold night here in Ohio, and I and my best guy friend were watching TV. I turn on the Regular Show recording I took night before and we watched it. It started with the usual theme and credits. When the title card came up it read "Never... Never" which I found... odd. The info bar said it was "Death Punchies". Not only that but I had seen every episode of Regular Show and I was positive "Never... Never" was not a real episode. But instead of being creeped out, I was ecstatic, as was my friend. We thought it was a new episode and that the info bar was just suffering a glitch again like it does then and now. We excitedly sat down to watch it.

It starts off with Mordecai and Rigby in the woods, just walking around. It was raining. After a few minutes of this, Rigby randomly points at a large rock and says to his friend "I bet you can't climb that!" Mordecai argues "Of course I can!" Followed by their classic 'Hmph's. Mordecai attempts to climb it and slips then falls back on his butt. Rigby shines the flash light in his eyes, asking "Mordecai are you OK!?" He shouts "You're fucking with my eyes dude!" Rigby turns it away and helps him up. Right there I thought "Whoa... what the hell? Did... Mordecai just swear?" I mean I know that the show was aimed at a more adult audience and for more mature viewers but it's on Cartoon Network for God's sake. I'm pretty sure they shouldn't be swearing, especially not with the F-word. I looked at my guy friend and he looked at me as well. He was just as confused as me. The episode continued.

All of a sudden, someone in the bushes pops out with an M9 pistol and starts firing bullets into the air. It's a young human woman, around her 20's. Rigby, out of fright and self-defense, goes up and starts attacking the woman. She manages to shoot him in the leg while they struggle. Mordecai gets up and tackles her as Rigby goes down. He starts maliciously starts banging her head into the ground. I could very clearly see animosity and hatred in his actions instead of his normal cartoon brawling. He's screaming "NOBODY FUCKING SHOOTS MY BEST FRIEND!!!" She starts kicking him and lands a harsh kick to the balls. I was mortified.

What was this!? Guns!? Bullets!? Blood!?!? VIOLENCE!?!? SWEARING!?!?!?! AND A HUMAN WOMAN!?!?!?!??! "This isn't my favorite show!" I mentally screamed. "What is this crap!?" But despite my body's and mind's protests I could not stop watching, and neither could my friend. We looked at each other again then returned our gazes to the TV.

The mysterious woman and Mordecai are still rolling around and fighting. Eventually, Mordecai manages to knock the handgun out of her hand, making it skitter across the ground towards Rigby, who grabs her gun without hesitation and aims it at the pair. The two instantly stop as they notice him holding it out, hands shaking, and stop, putting their hands up. Rigby exclaims to the woman "I'LL SHOOT IF YOU DON'T LEAVE!!! I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SHOOT!!!" She starts laughing manically as though unafraid and Rigby tries to steady his hands, shuts his eyes, and turns his head away then fires. All you heard was the rain hitting the trees. The two stopped moving. Both the woman... and Mordecai. Rigby pulls Mordecai off the dead woman and begins to shake him. "Dude. C'mon stop faking." He pleaded him but after a while, it turns out Mordecai wasn't. Rigby, with tears in his eyes, falls to the ground and cries over his friend’s dead body. And then it fades to black.

I was scared. So scared. My friend, Stewart, looks at me like I've said or done something wrong. "Everything alright Catherine?" He said. "HELL THE HELLLA NO" I screamed. It started again. Let’s say this is 2 years after that. And Rigby is at a dance club. He was dancing with a girl. They were talking and Rigby just finished a funny story. The girl says "Hah. That’s nothing A couple of years ago I was in the woods and there was these two guys there, a Bluebird and a Raccoon. And I was an Assassin and I was just doing what I was told to do." Rigby stops dancing and quivers. “It... it was you?” He asks, figuring it out. She says something, "I'm a changed woman now Rigby! I don't like killing anymore!" Rigby ignores her, shoves her away, and jumps on top of a table. He screams at the top of his lungs "YOU BITCH! YOU MADE ME KILL MY BEST FRIEND BY ACCIDENT! I’LL KILL YOU!!" Grabbing and overhead pipe, he tackles her and her hits her in the head with it. She gets hurt badly. Before he can finish the job he is grabbed by two burly guards and restrained, but her fights them and tries to beat them off with the pipe. Soon police sirens and ambulance sirens are heard and red and blue lights flash from the windows. Rigby struggles and shouts and curses as policemen and paramedics rush in to assist. The whole time Rigby is screaming “SHE’S A KILLER!!! SHE’S A KILLER!!! KILL HER!! LET ME KILL HER GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!” The scene fades out as Rigby is dragged away and the paramedics rush the woman to a hospital.

“Ten years later” reads a time card as it fades back in, Rigby is at his home are his little Raccoon Children are running around and playing. He's holding a picture of Mordecai and him while sitting at a table. His son grabs a stool and sits near him. "Who's that daddy?" Rigby grabs his son in a baby cradle. "That was my best friend, Mordecai..." He says a bit solemnly. "What happened to him Daddy?" His son asks. Rigby stops and thinks for a moment. "He passed away... If he was alive he would have loved you like an uncle." He tells him. There is a sudden knock at the front door and his son jumps up and answers it. A boy who looks like Mordecai is outside and his son goes out and plays with him. Rigby Looks outside the window to look at them and says "Well Mordecai... it looks like you sent one down huh?" He chuckled. "I'll miss you best friend. I'll miss you." And with that it just faded away to the kids playing in the front yard.

I wasn't afraid anymore. I was more like... Sad... I had tears rolling down my face. I was glad there was a happy ending. I just wiped my eyes and promised myself to never delete that recording. To this day, I still have it.