Nitpick Archive 2

Dark sides (jeff the killer story)
This is my first ever upload so hopefully it well be good bye

If the title didn't prepare us that this was going to be an utter spelling trainwreck, this prologue certainly did just that.

one young girl named luna she was the best at dancing,singing and karate she was the best student everyone loves her but someone didn't.

MARY-SUE ALERT!

This is how I read it "There was once a Mary-Sue with the most cliche name in Creepypasta history. She was like the most bestest, most prettiest, most talented person who ever existed, U GUIZE! But unfortunately there is some rotten sinner who doesn't like this goddess!"

'''And as for that last part "everyone loves her but someone didn't", that someone is me. I fucking hate OCs, I hate Mary-Sues, I hate cliches, and I fucking hate Luna.'''

it was one night at school.

'''Last time I checked schools started in the morning and ended just before evening. I could give the author the benefit of the doubt and say it is a night school, but that would be way too generous. Plus I have already guessed that this is a pre-teen or a teenager, so she would be too young for a night school.'''

luna:girls the next week is our show lets train even more. Lily:but what if the school were haunted. Nina: i agree with lily its kinda creepy. Luna: ok then go home

'''First off, one of the most laziest things a person can do when writing a story is use scripting for dialogue. Second, the author didn't even bother to space out the dialogue. Third this is hard to understand because of the shitty writing. Fourth, this is dialogue looks like a fucking joke. It's literally just this: What if the school is haunted? That would be scary! Ok, let's go home! WTF?!'''


 * Lilly and nina look back as the darkness get even more darker as both lily and nina get close to luna*

'''First off, this is a painful jumpcut. The author's slippery grasp on basic English makes this impossible to understand.'''

jenny and jacko:*sigh* idiots. Lizzy: guys i feel like we are watched. Luna:nahhh noone is here remember we have tell our parents right?

So these characters, one of which is named Jacko (for those who don't know Jacko was Michael Jackson's nickname, so that's who I'm imagining this is) appear, Lizzy feels like she's being watched, and Goddess Luna brushes it off with her atrocious bastardization of English.

Also "noone is here"? Noon can't be here, it's supposed to be getting dark, remember? Yes I know the author meant "no one", but still...


 * all looked at luna like wtf we didn't tell them*

They either gave her that look because she was the main character of a shitty OC story, or they looked at her like that because they were confused as to what she just said because it didn't make sense.

luna: omg now I AM worried *sigh* hey cheer up we soo close to the practice room

'''Ok, so I'm assuming the setup is that they are still in the school despite Goddess Luna Christ saying about going home. I'm probably not the only one wondering rather or not this is the same school Charlie goes to, seeing as the school's staff is so irresponsible that they leave the school unlocked for children to wander around as they please.'''


 * Luna opens the practice room's door as she said:see nothing

Must be looking inside your own head, dumbass.

but luna was never know what awaits in there ......

But Luna author never know what English am.

lizzy:guys i am gunna go to the bathroom.luna: ok but if you didn't come back i guess we are gunna find ya.

She might as well have said "DON'T FALL IN!"


 * 10 minutes later*

lizzy: AHHHHHHHH GUYS COME HERE *as they all run to lizzy but suddenly blood river await them in the entrance but still luna went to save lizzy but its turn out to be ..........*

I'm imagining them walking into the bathroom and Lizzy is in a stall, taking a smelly dump and they all shout and hold their noses because of it.

Also, save her from what?

luna: the hell what is this


 * all looked at the mirror as it say go to sleep*

'''Me fail English? That's unpossible!'''

jacko: we need to get out of here or else we can't.

Yeah, if you don't get out of there you won't be getting out of there, dumbass!

Luna: DON'T SAY THAT IN TIME LIKE THISSSS. We need to go to the practice room

'''Well everyone, something scary is going on. Oh well, let's go to the practice room.'''

together a have an idea lets all hold hands [...] lizzy:lilly your hand is wet. Lilly: no its not

'''Then she looks at her hands and realizes she is not holding Lilly's hands... SHE IS HOLDING A SLIME MONSTER WHO GOBBLES HER UP FOR GRABBING HIM!!!! GRRRRR!'''


 * lizzy looked soo scared that everyone looked behind her trying to tell her Left it hands *

'''What the fuck is this supposed to mean? English, author!'''

'they all run and all of them were together wait oh no someone was missing

Who?

TOO BE CONTINUED

'''It better not be. Also, "too"?'''

guys if you want me to continue say in the comments because i dont know if you like this thnx for waching byeee Also if its a little bad story or boring wait intell part 3 it well be good hehe

Ok, so Jeff doesn't actually show up except for his catch-phrase "GO TO SLEEP!"

'''Also "thnx for watching"? Stories cannot be watched, they can be read. I know the author is just playing around, but by fucking around she doesn't realize she is making her story look like a joke. It already does to begin with, but if it didn't that would ruin it.'''

'''I could end this beat-down by commenting on how shitty the author's English is by saying "intell", but instead I'm going to end this by asking how the hell there can be a part 3 when there wasn't even a part 2. My guess is that, like spelling, the author can't math.'''

And to those reading this blog "thnx for watching"

Cleo the Killer
'''It was a bright and sunny day and Cleo was walking to school. She had no friends and mostly stayed alone.'''

Maybe that's why she has no friends, because she "mostly stayed alone." That and because no one wants to be around the main character of a shitty story.

'''As she walked into the school yard she entered the building expecting someone to punch her AGAIN! Instead they where all talking about this kid named Jeff who's brother Liu had gone to jail for a year.'''

I'm imagining the school is so crowded and small that when you enter the building you risk accidentally walking into someone's fist.

I walked to my locker

We're not too far into the story and the author has swapped the story from third to first person.

'''it was right next to Jeff when I looked at him he had longer hair and roles under his eyes and he looked really depressed. I didn't say anything. He looked at me and I looked away shyly.'''

YOU ARE LIKE THE BEST COUPLE OF ALL TIME, U GUIZE!

All of a sudden these kids Ryan, Adam and Zack popped in front of me and pushed me.

Uh-oh! Cliched bully time, guys!

'''At this point I just went bull freaking Jesus crazy on them. I punched them kicked them slapped then kicked one in the balls. I got detention.Yep.'''

Wow! The author was in such a hurry to get this story done that they forgot to explain to us why they did that made them bullies. Also, if this is going on at the same time and same place as Jeff's story, would she get in trouble like Jeff did?

'''After a few days I finally talked to Jeff I said: "Um...hi I'm Cl...Cleo I'm sorry about your bro". "It's okay you didn't do anything don't be sorry oh and I'm Jeff."'''

Cool, lazy script form and no spacing! Nice.

'''Few days later Jeff went crazy. He went to the hospital cause a kid caught him on fire. He killed his parents and brother after he got out of JDC.'''

We already know about this, but ok.

'''After a month I snapped. Ryan, Adam and Zack came up and made fun of me hurt me. So I grabbed my pocket knife and carved ones eyes out, stabbed the other and ran off and left Ryan there bleeding while the others lie motionless.'''

This would be much more cathartic if we actually had a reason to hate them other than "THEY R BULLIEZ!"

I cut out my eyes and my mom came in while I was crying.

The fuck is wrong with you? Also, once again apparently this all takes place in a deserted school because no one was around to stop any of this.

'''"Sweetie what are you...HUH?" she said Cowardly while I was holding two knifes up to her "Sweetie, your eyes!". "I can hear, and smell and feel people through the ground and air" I said to her. "S...Sweetie please p...put the knifes down and we can sort this o...out" she said with her voice shaking. "No mom, go get dad and WE CAN SETTLE THIS!" I yelled. "Alright sweetie I will go get h...him" she said voice trembling in fear.'''

I'm assuming the mother was abusive? I don't know, this was never made clear to us. Then again, seeing as this is your cookie-cutter OC story, I think we all expected it.

Also, jumpcut from school to home!

'''She ran to the bedroom. I slowly crept up the hall hearing what my mother was saying. "Sweetie get the gun and call the police!"'''

Yes, this too happened to Jeff. The only difference is that it felt more justifiable when Jeff did it.

"You lied just...like...Jeff's parents."

Lied about what?!

'''I said grabbing hold of both parents. As my dad shot up the last thing they heard was: "FEEL THE PAIN LIKE I DID".'''

He shot up what? Heroin? Also, shitty catchphrase.

'''I said goodnight as I drew on the wall. On the wall it says "FEEL THE PAIN!" And I smiled and crawled out the window and disappeared into the woods.'''

And then the story ends abruptly. Like everyone else I was assuming she was going to get with Jeff since he was in the story, but the author placed him into this story for no reason at all.

The Pacman Game Console
'''Look at the picture on the left. It is an old Pacman Gaming Console Machine!'''

No, it's not a console. A gaming console is something you hook up to your television. I think you mean to say "Arcade cabinet".

It's said to be the first virtual game created by NAMCO.

WTF, it's not a virtual game! And it's not even NAMCO's first game, either!

Today, I'll tell you a story that happened way back 90's.

I'll tell you what happened back in the 90's. Movies were great, Cartoon Network, The Disney Channel, and Nickelodeon were still good, and pogs and Pokemon cards were king of the schoolyard.

A mother have a child.

Thus what makes her a mother. Also "have" a child?

'''This child is now 3-years old. This mother bought a new "Pacman Game Console". She searched the internet to find any one at an affordable price.'''

I'm not even going to point out the fact that Pac-Man was released for every video game console, or the fact that it's unlikely anyone would do that when the internet was in its infancy at the time.

He checked the internet daily to see if there are new ones.

Not only is that a massive tense swap, but also "he"? I thought it was the mother looking.

'''After searching a lot of sites, finally he saw 1 at very affordable price. The original price is almost 2-3000 dollars. But this one is $1000 only!'''

Yeah, to Hell with Nintendo if they think I'm going to buy their $99 console that I can play more than one game on, and an additional $75 for the game itself!

'''He contact the seller and ask for pictures of the console and to ask if the console is still available. The seller replies back and said that the console is still available. All buttons and slot is working. But no available pictures.'''

That's because in those days photo transfer was both a pain in the ass, and expensive!

He called the seller and contact him.

And they talk so he can ask him.

'''They planned to meet at a well-known coffee shop. After that day, they went to see each other.'''

The day after they planned, or the day after they met?

The mother hired a delivery service so that the machine would be delivered to their house.

And she breathed air so she could breath, and she plugged the game in so they could play, and made food so they can eat. Christ, the redundancy!

'''After placing it to their basement, they played the game. The console seemed to be new. There's no any scratch mark.'''

Too bad there isn't no any language poorly.

'''The buttons are still hard and not loose. She inspected the whole console and found out that it's Ms. Pacman.'''

JESUS, DUDE! You've been playing this game and suddenly realize "Oh wait, this is Ms. Pacman." Why the fuck did it take this broad so long? Why did the author suddenly decide to change it?

'''Also, there are 5 ghost instead of 4. They played the game several hours. It's now evening. So they decided to go to sleep. The mother unplugged the game. They locked the basement, ate their dinner and go to bed.'''

They were so wrapped up in the game that they forgot to eat before going to sleep, apparently. Christ this family is stupid! How can someone who has the brain of a flea afford a $1000 fucking arcade cabinet?!

'''In the middle of the night, some strange noise appeared! Someone or something shut a door. This mother went down with a fire arm on her back. He went down and check the front door and the back door. Nothing's wrong with them. The alarm systems are still quiet. No signs of theft. But, again, she heard some noises. She followed that noise until she got to the basement. She checked the door quietly. The doors are shut lock. She peeped onto the peeping hole. She was so creeped to see that the video game was playing on it's own!'''

I laughed.

'''She still remembered that she unplugged it before eating. She opened the door. She had some really really strange feeling. She turned of the machine and unplug it. She locked the door and sleep again. At around 3:00 AM, she heard it again! Now, she heard it really really clear. It was the sound of the video game. She went downstairs and turn it off. She locked it again and went to sleep. She called many game technicians to fix the game. But they saw no errors.'''

Sounds like she should see psychologist instead of wasting a "game technician's" time.

'''This happens for several days. The mother was just thinking that it's here son going out in the middle of the night to have some fun. Or sometimes, she thinks: "Well, they're dreams."'''

God this bitch is so stupid!

'''Until 1 day. This mother and her children were eating their breakfast. Her middle child started the conversation. "Mom. The video game sound in the middle of the night!" Everyone laughed except for the mother who smiled at him.'''

Great, the kid's going to be a dumbass like his mom!

One night, the mother went out of the office late.

I hope it was a psychologist's office.

'''She went immediately to the house and she was surprised to see that his 2 children was outside. Th boys quickly drag their mothers hand and pull her inside the house. She saw her 3-year old son, crying beside the gaming machine. The boy says: "Man in the Video Machine!!!"'''

Jesus Christ, this kid's gonna be shitting his pants until high school!

The other kids tell their mom that they saw a black man playing on the Pacman Gaming Console.

WOAH, RACIST! A black man? What we're not allowed to play Pac-Man too? Fucking racist assed little bastard.

This mother immediately called a "Mover Team" to remove that old gaming console.

I'm going to assume that this is taking place in 1990. If that is the case, the "console" would only be at least ten years old.

The console has been moved to her business garage (2 miles away ffrom them).

Read: moved to the asylum basement where mommy is being held.

'''Fortunately, nothing creepy appeared on those days. Sometimes, this mother went to see her business garage and she is always surprised to see that the tools have been scattered. Now, this woman is selling this video game for free.'''

Now? As in now now? This is supposed to take place in the 1990s, why did it take her about twenty years to get off her ass? Dumb bitch!

Smiley Suicide
6:50 AM, it's another day and Lala was not ready.

Her and everyone else who hates their job and/or school. Lala sounds like a self-pitying little ass. Also what the fuck kind of name is Lala?

Lala was a 9-year-old girl and she knew darker things than a 9-year-old should.

Wow, a tense change already. Also, what does she know that it is so dark? I bet the "darker things" means she just found out Santa isn't real, but otherwise has a happy life. I doubt the author could answer what "darker things" she is referring to. And you'd better believe we are never told what those things are either, because authors of shitty stories like telling us important facts without presenting them.

Lala also had cuts on her arms and I mean a lot more cuts than a middle or high school girl with cuts which is probably a lot more since Lala is only in 3rd grade.

First of all, adding something serious and triggering like suicide and self harm to your story doesn't make it scary or edgy, it just makes you look like an insensitive prick.

Second. It doesn't matter if she has more cuts than a middle or high school girl. It's not a competition, it is a serious problem.

When Lala reached school she saw Kasey Johson, the girl who completely ruined Lala's life.

Great elaboration and detail on what she did to ruin her life there, author! How in the HELL does a nine year old child's life get ruined?

'''Lala ran to the bathroom and went into the stall. She didn't cry but she gave pulled back her sleeves and gave herself more cuts. Cuts were everywhere on her arms. Her cuts kept her sane. The bell rang and she but her sleeve back down and ran to class.'''

Wow, more minimalist detail. What did she cut herself with? Ok, so she cut herself and just went back to class without the blood seeping through her sleeve or something? She probably didn't even cut herself, she probably just scratched her arm until it was red and then danced back to school.

'''It was math period. Lala was good at every subject where Kasey was not sitting near her.'''

Hmmm.... It sounds more like Lala has more of a problem with Kasey, than the latter does the former. Also more MY MARY SUE IS GOOD AT EVERYTHING!!!!!

'''It was going to be lunch period soon but right now it was art period. Lala hasn't been to the art period before since she would usually be in the bathroom, giving herself new cuts.'''

I would ask "How come nobody notices her cutting classes?" but that's probably for the same reason nobody has ever noticed her scars, or any sharp objects missing, or blood seeping through her sleeves.

'''Since this was Lala's first art period she decided to get creative. When nobody was looking she got her small knife and took a decent piece of flesh out of her arm.'''

So apparently she is invisible and can do whatever she wants without anyone noticing. Why does she needs to hide in the bathroom to self harm? She can probably do it standing right in front of somebody. Also, how did she not bleed to death or at least seriously injur herself?

Still, not one person saw these events.

Heh, even the author admits it.

'''She got her paintbrush and dipped it in the place where she had cut the piece of flesh out. It looked like red paint but darker. Still, nobody saw her. With her blood, she created a disturbing piece of art. It was a girl hanging but happy.'''

Where the fuck is the art teacher? Is this happening at all the other shitty Creepypasta schools where nobody else exists but Mary Sues and bullies? Also, if the odd behavior, cutting classes, and scars aren't enough to warrant a trip to a therapist and a visit from Child Protective Services, this messed up drawling sure as hell would have been enough to.

It looked like she was smiling.

That's what we assumed when we saw "happy", dear.

'''Miss Nelson would come over to look at her art piece. "Wow, Lala! This is– oh fuck what is this. I mean it's amazing Lala!" said Miss Nelson nervously.'''

I laughed at the "oh fuck what is this" part. Ok so wait, the teacher didn't notice her wrist or anything? What a dumbass! Also there is no way a teacher would be allowed to swear like that in front of a child. On top of that, she probably wouldn't just act nervous and try to downplay things. Lala's little ass would be in the principal's office talking to a child psychiatrist's puppet.

'''"Would you come with me, Lala?" said Miss Nelson, gesturing for Lala to come to her.'''

Fucking finally!

'''Kasey and her friends would make faces and Lala finally decided to whisper the magic words to Kasey and her gang. "Fuck you. Fuck your friends. You all are shit. I don't care. You and your friends are shit. Fuck all of you." whispered Lala, smiling and crying.'''

Bully band cliche! Also, the crying part makes her look like a bitch in front of her enemies. Also ExEsSiVe SwEaRiNg Is EdGy! Also (my favorite word: "also"), how slow were they walking for her to have time to say all this, and how deaf is the teacher that she cannot hear it while a bunch of passing kids can?

Kasey and her friends all looked at each other in shock.

So these are the "tough" bullies? If they can't even take a few swear words I imagine they "ruined" Lala's life by simply bumping into her at lunch time, spilling her milk.

'''When they looked at Lala again she was out the door already. Headed to the office. She was told to walk home but you could never trust a girl who just painted a picture out of blood of herself hanging on a tree.'''

There is NO WAY IN HELL they would make a child walk home alone. Also that last part is just laughable.

'''When Lala got to her house, she passed it. She walked towards the forest.'''

Of course she did. She lives in Creepypastaville where there is only one school where no one exists but Mary Sues and bullies, and everyone has a magical forest in their back yard that Slender Man lives in.

'''She found the perfect spot. She opened her pink Hello Kitty backpack and took a noose out of it.'''

SOOOOO EDGY!

She prepared everything and then wrote a suicide note.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,

So apparently her home life is good if she loves her parents enough to call them "Mommy and Daddy."

'''Please don't blame yourself. This truly isn't your fault. I love you so much, I know you'll miss me but I'm just too sad.'''

You're only nine fucking years old. What is so sad about your life, did they cancel Barney or something?

A girl named Kasey Johnson and her friends Laila Font and Sally Green

Stockiest last names ever! One of them might as well have been named Christina Black or Jenny Bloodsplatter.

bullied me to the point I'm doing this.

They didn't do ANYTHING. You were the dumbass who painted a disturbing picture. Blame yourself for your problems for once and maybe you'll learn how to be a functioning human being.

'''Mommy, your cupcakes and lemonade on those hot summer days were so sweet and cool. Daddy, your jokes were so funny, and remember when we were at that father-daughter dance and I cried because the words were so sweet?'''

Literally nothing sounds bad about your life other than the "bullies" who you blame your problems on. I'm sure if these "bullies" weren't in your life you would blame someone else.

'''I hope you do. Please take good care of each other as I would. When I grow up I wanted to be a police officer but I don't think I can take it if I can't take this.'''

You're right. You wouldn't. Actually, you probably wouldn't make it in any field no matter how friendly the environment.

'''I love you two so much. Please remember me! I'm happy though because I'll get to see Baby at the rainbow bridge, right?'''

Who is Baby? Did her mother have a miscarriage? Did she die from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome?

I can't wait for you two to come with us so we can be the perfect family in Heaven.

You were the perfect family in life. You just threw it away because WAHH! MUH BULLEEES! Have you even tried to tell your parents about this problem? I bet when you told them "She was so mean to me! She got an A+ and I only got an F-!" all they said was "I'm so sorry to hear that, dear!". That's what I'm assuming happened (or the whole bumping into thing I mentioned earlier), that's all I have when you leave it open to interpretation.

Also, I'm pretty sure that all Mary Sues automatically go to Hell no matter how good they were. Even God doesn't have patience for them.

'''Grama and Grampa will be there too! So will cousin Jojo!'''

Oh no, not cousin Jojo, it turned out he liked to gamble and had anger issues which resulted in him killing a buch of hookers.

'''I'm excited. Please take extra care of Mister Nom Noms the Hamster, okay?'''

Thanks for expositing that Nom Noms was a hamster. That little piece of exposition (which your family wouldn't need anyway as they would know who you're referring to) is a hell of a lot more than what we got about anything else!

'''In memory of me? Thank you. I love you, Mommy and Daddy!'''

-Lala

Obviously you hate them or you wouldn't put this on them. Even if you said it wasn't their fault they're going to be wondering if there was something they did to cause this, or if there was something they could have done to prevent it.

'''Lala had no time for tears. It had to be done. Lala thought about the last words she said to her Mommy and Daddy. "See you after school!" she had said.'''

Ooooh! Sooooo haunting!

'''Lala thought about the last words she and said to her hamster Mister Nom Noms. "We'll snuggle after school, I promise!" she had said.'''

Also, you hate your hamster because it will think you abandoned it you selfish bitch!

'''She looked around. She realized there were bloody smiles everywhere.'''

Cool! She finally snapped!

There was a tall man with a bloody smile.

A tall man? That has NEVER been done before, especially not on a Creepypasta!

She tried kicking him but she realized she kicked the rock she was standing on.

What?

'''She didn't remember putting herself in the noose. Her last thought was, "It was him. The man with a bloody smile. He helped me." she didn't know what pain was at that moment. She smiled and the man made it so that she kept her smile.'''

Is he some kind of spirit of suicide or some shit?

'''There was a search. The body was found 2 days later. There was a funeral. Many other girls disappeared and they saw a figure just like that?'''

Wow, thanks for the lack of actual closure of who he was. Also, more exposition. Author had a chance to let us see some actual emotion from everyone at the funeral, but instead decided to just say "Yeah there was a funeral. It was cool."

'''Prequel to explain everything? Lol.'''

What the fuck is this? Is this some sort of joke? Some kind lead on for people to beg for more? No matter what it was supposed to be, it makes the story look like a fucking joke. I mean the shittiness of the story itself did a great job of doing just that, but this REALLY made this look like a shitpost.