Nitpick Archive 8

Caillou: Darkness
'''Hi, my name is Jimmy. I'm 17 years old and go to the doctor twice a month for therapy.'''

Probably because you're "special needs".

'''You might be wondering,"Why are you telling me that you have therapy?" Well, I'll tell you why. I guess I should begin by explaining how one weekend I was home alone. I was 16 when this happened, so it was pretty normal to be home alone at that age.'''

16 really isn't an age where you should let children be home alone because they still aren't good at making decision. Especially author, whose mental age is like 8 or something.

No one was home except for me and my dog, Fanny.

In the UK fanny means... never mind!

I was going through some boxes in my attic.

Why is never explained.

'''I had searched every box except one. I went over to the box and looked inside. It was full of Caillou DVDs'''

AHH! THAT'S THE SCARIEST PART OF THIS STORY! A BOX FULL OF DVDS ABOUT A LITTLE LOUDMOUTH SHITHEAD WITH AN ANNOYING VOICE!

I hadn't viewed since I was 8.

But that won't be for another three years!

I loved the show as a kid, but started to hate it when I was 10.

Why did it take you that long to grow out of it?

I decided to search through it anyway, due to curiosity.

You mean "convenience of the story".

'''All of the DVDs I had watched, except for two of them. One of them was an Christmas special of Caillou'''

"an Christmas", fucking "an".

Also, I saw that Christmas special once and it was trash. Probably the worst episode of Caillou ever!

'''and another which looked rather weird to me. Yes, it was a Caillou DVD. But, it was a really bizzare one. The cover was just white with some writing on it that said CAILLOU- 3 EPISODE SPECIAL.'''

I already read this story, and in case anyone's wondering, no there aren't three episodes in this story, just one for some reason.

I was confused.

Oh trust me, we can tell.

'''So, I took the DVD case downstairs and opened it. The DVD had some writing on it as well. It said "CAILLOU" in black marker.'''

SOOPR SPOOPY! It would be even more "scarier" if it had a file extension written on it.

'''There was more writing underneath it that said "3 EPISODE SPECIAL" in red sharpie. I placed the disc into my DVD player only to realize that it didn't include 3 episodes, only one.'''

"I wasn't creative enough to think of three episodes, but at the same time I'm too lazy to rewrite the promise of three epsiodes, guyz!"

'''The episode was called: "Darkness". That was an unusual title for an episode of a children's show.'''

Actually, no, it isn't. There are probably childrens shows with episodes of that title that most likely teach kids that the dark isn't anything to be afraid of.

I clicked on the episode.

"clicked", fucking "clicked".

I thought you put it in a DVD player, not a computer. Also, you could have at least thought up what the menu would have looked like. But then again, I can already guess that would have just been Caillou standing in a black void with hyper realistic eyes.

'''After watching it, I was almost scared to death. To be honest, that's why I now go to therapy.'''

No, you have to go to therapy because you're "challenged". I mean, there has to be something wrong with you if this crap scares you so bad you need fucking therapy!

The episode began with the theme song, but there was no sound.

"theme song", "no sound". You could have at least said "intro" as to not contradict yourself!

'''The last image from the opening showed a drawing of Caillou standing in the middle of nowhere. The background was nothing more than a black void.'''

Must have been inside your skull, dummy!

Caillou was staring at me with large hollowed-out eyes and a creepy smile.

He's sad, but here's a "creepy" smile

The image stayed on the screen for what seemed like two minutes straight.

I would have fast forwarded that shit.

'''Then, the screen faded to black. Finally, it went to the actual episode. Caillou was sitting on his bed with a somber look on his face. He was crying for what seemed like a minute and a half.'''

Did someone tell him the Circus wasn't until tomorrow again?

'''Then, Caillou started to look at me. In the voice of a twelve-year old boy, he said: "Please, help me! I can't live like this anymore."'''

Why a twelve year old? Also, we undestand, Caillou. None of us could go on living as the main character of shitpasta.

'''Soon, Caillou walked out of his room and towards the front door. Caillou was walking for about five minutes, when he stopped.'''

You have no clue how long five minutes is, do you?

He then looked at me again.

Sure he did. Maybe he's not looking at you, maybe he's just facing the camera you egoistic ass!

'''Caillou turned his head away. He then turned around and walked back into his house.'''

What was the purpose of that?

'''Caillou sat down on the stairs, crying. I had never seen him this depressed.'''

"nO, nO, iT's ToDaY! i GoT aLl DrEsSeD! [...] sIlLy CaR, sIlLy, SiLlY! WAHHH!"

'''Soon, Rosie went up to Caillou. Caillou simply said "GO AWAY!" in an angry voice. Rosie didn't go away. Now, Caillou was mad. He grabbed Rosie's doll and smashed it into pieces on the floor. Rosie started bawling and ran downstairs.'''

FUCKING LOL! I would give anything to see this in an actual episode!

'''Caillou then went to his room. He walked in, looked at me, and said: "The reason I'm sad... is because... I... was... adopted!"'''

"WOW!" I shout sarcastically. "THAT'S SOOOOO TERRIBLE!". Seriously, kid, grow the fuck up. Also, I like how shittyauthors think that main characters being adopted is creepy. Especially, like this one, where the MC doesn't provide any proof or anything.

'''Caillou then started to cry. But this wasn't the way he usually cry. His crying sounded almost realistic.'''

Oh yeah, that's something that would TOTALLY make the voice actress cry!

Caillou grabbed a rope from his closet and hung himself with it.

You announce unceremoniously, as if there wasn't anything unusual about it.

Ever since then, I have suffered from many frightening hallucinations about this non-particular episode.

"non-particular" fucking "non-particular".

Eventually, I smashed the DVD into bits.

You probably did so with your fists, and you cut your hand up real bad, you doofus!

'''Now, I was curious. Why was the episode called "Darkness"?'''

We're asking the same thing. Ironically, almost for the same reason.

This episode had nothing to do with darkness whatsoever (except for the black screens).

Maybe because it was "dark"?

I reported this to the police, but they were obviously no help.

Let me guess, you dialed 911 and got yelled at for reporting something that wasn't an emergency. Seriously, why would you call the police? There was absolutely nothing illegal about that episode! You dumb little shit!

If you ever find this DVD, please contact me.

Why? I thought it "scarred" you.

Andrey & Molly
2009 was the year...

... You were born

i witness a obscure cartoon ,

"a obscure" instead of "an obscure", and a comma between spaces. Cripes!

it was February 1st 2009, i was watching Spike (which it change the channels name to the paramount channel),

Learn proper capitalization.

and looking at my phone, it was 2:59 am, when it reached to 3:00 am, The Spike Channel announces an "animated show about 2 little girls called Andrey & Molly",

Ok, so you're going the "I SAW A SCARY EPISODE LATE AT NIGHT" route instead of the "I FOUND A SCARY DVD" or "I WAS AN INTERN..."

confused i begin to watch it, what the hell?, the animation itself behinds me of 12 oz Mouse, however i figured that out because i used to watched adult swim,

"the animation itself behinds me"? But how can you see the TV if it's behind you? On a serious note, the last part of that sentence is pointless filler.

while i gonna tell

No, son. I gonna tell you how to fucking English!

you the details of the two girls, the 1st girl had black curly hair shes was named andrey,

Jesus kid, learn how to spell!

'''and the 2nd girl had a brown hair with a ponytail. she was named molly, they had some fun stuff, no adult humor, i felt like i should recorded for my sister,'''

"I'm going to record a cartoon on an adult channel for my little sister" said the dumbass.

the intro ended,

You only watched the intro and decided it was a good show. Jesus, man!

the episode started with andrey picking up some berries, then his mom shouted on her,

Andrey switched genders so his/her mom stood on Andrey's head and yelled at him/her. Seriously, this is just as bad as "voices on her head".

andrey runs to see his mom

YOU SAID ANDREY WAS A GIRL! WHICH ONE IS IT, YOU DICKTARD?!

'''with a sad face, "whats wrong mommy?" says Andrey,'''

Your mom is sad because she's in a story written by someone who can't remember the fucking gender of their characters.

"its..... its your uncle" said andrey's mom, "what happened to my uncle" andrey ask,

She feels sorry for him for being a character in this story.

"he died in a car accident" said mom as she begin to cry loudly, i felt uncomfortable and unnerved at the same time, it was dark for a kids show,

If it's on Spike why the fuck did you assume it was a kid's show? Is it because you're dumber than the fucking wood your TV stand is made of?

i couldn’t think about recording this show,

Oh yeah, annoucning the death of a family member. That's sooooooooooooo dark!

'''the screen cuts to the mom crying before hugging Andrey who is also crying, the screen cuts to molly who is sitting in the couch, "i hope andrey is gonna stay in my house again!" says molly, a phone rang and molly picked it up, "hello?" says molly,'''

Molly gasps and begins to sob as the screen faded to black,

WTF?! That's not scary, that's confusing!

it cuts to a graveyard with molly looking at andrey's uncle's grave, andrey walked in, what i saw gives me chills down my spine, she is now pale and she had red pupils,

SUPR SCURY TOTALLY NAWT CLICHE, GUYZ!

andrey grabs molly's hand and stare at the grave, the screen faded to black once more, and it cuts to andrey and molly crying in a empty Black background, it gives me chills down my spine once again,

God help you if you ever see anything that's actually scary, wussy boy!

i looked back trying to hold the remote, due to no excuse, a screeching tune played,

You no word that good. You need word that gooder so the grammar can work.

i covered my ears in fright, worrying that i woke my sister up, the screen went static while the screeching tune continue to play, a close up of molly can be seen in the static as the tv turns off by itself,

SUPR SCURY!

i went to my sisters room to see if shes woken, thankly it she wasn’t, i sighed as i walked back to my living room, i turned on the tv, to watch some adult swim,

I BE BIG BOI! I WATCH ADOOLT SWUM!

i never that day that this CURSED UP cartoon gives me nightmares

Jesus dude, learn how to fucking speak English! Your grammar is giving me cancer.

Alice In Wonderland: The Cursed Video
God, It was like 5 years ago.

When you were born.

'''When I saw something that completely changed my life. Have you ever heard of a movie called Alice In Wonderland?'''

Which version? They've been making film adaptations since 1903! But, seeing as you're like 5, I know the Disney Animation version is the only one you've heard of, so we'll press on.

It's about a girl named Alice who goes down a rabbit hole after she sees a rabbit who is late to a tea party.

Jesus, dude! He wasn't worried about the tea party, he was anxious that he would keep the Duchess (who was supposed to be in this version but wasn't) waiting!

Along the way, She meets various characters like The Dodo, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, The Mad Hatter and Mad Hare etc.

No shit, dummy!

I don't understand why Alice looks cool in the movie.

Let me guess, she was your first beat off?

Could it have been that she was voiced by the same actor in Peter Pan?

Yep. You like the way a character looks because she shares a voice actress with a character in a different movie!

'''Well, Yes! However, Something strangely happened when I came across something haunted about this film. I was 10 years old when I encountered this strange thing.'''

But you won't be ten for another five years!

One afternoon, I was staying at my grandmother's while the rest of my family went to see a movie that I didn't care for.

No, the theater probably banned you for being a jackass. That, or your family doesn't want anything to do with you.

'''I was watching TV when my grandmother came in that she had some video tapes for me to watch. Most of them were Alice In Wonderland, Spider-Man and Stuart Little 2.'''

Most of them? Like, as in she has like multiple copies of them? Holy fuck, granny! You used to own Blockbusters or something?

'''I thought that I would watch the 1st one because it's been a few years since I watched this movie. But when I opened it up, Something concerned me. It wasn't a sticker label or ink label like most real video copies, It was a paper label.'''

News flash, dumbass: at least half of all retail VHS tapes had paper labels! No, you're 5 so you don't know that. The only VHS tapes you ever saw were the ones at your own house, probably!

I was thinking that this was a bootleg copy.

Yeah, because a paper label automatically means bootleg. Unless the label was hand written and the author neglected to tell us about it. Even then, that isn't a concern because, I'm going to surprise you by saying this, author, but people used to record stuff off of TV onto VHS tapes! (GASPS)

'''So I kept quiet about the tape to my grandmother. I put the tape in the VCR and let it play. At first, There were previews for some old disney movies, Then the opening credits rolled as normal. However, After they rolled, Something was wrong. Instead of the scene with Alice and her sister, It just showed the scene where Alice goes down the rabbit hole.'''

Thank God, everything in that movie before this scene is boring.

But after that, It cut to black for 19 seconds.

STOP WATCH!

'''Then it came back on with a shot of Alice crying in the forest. And there was the sound of her sobbing. But this scene lasted for 5 minutes before cutting to a reddish color. Then it faded to black again with blood covered text that said "I am coming!" The text faded while Alice's sister showed up.'''

SCURY TEXT AN BLUDD IS SCURY GUIZE!

She said, "Hello there, I'm Alice's sister! If you are watching this, Now is the time to eject the tape because Alice is coming."

Coming here? Ok, you have the power to break the fourth wall, yet you're using it to tell us TURN OFF TAEP SHE CUMMIN! Dumb bitch!

'''All of a sudden, There was a loud footstep. Then Alice's sister screamed, "Oh god, She's here! Quick! Shut the tape off now!"'''

Just to be a prick, I would let the tape go on rolling.

'''So I ejected it like she asked. I didn't want to see what was on the rest of the tape because it was probably scary.'''

And by cutting this short, you killed any build up this story possibly had. Don't worry though, this story was shit so it doesn't matter.

'''A few hours later, My mom came to pick me up. I asked her if I could bring home the tapes my grandmother gave me. And she said yes. This was a perfect opportunity to investigate where the tape came from.'''

How? Also, that's nice. Ask your mom if you can take them home, not your grandmother who owns them. Greedy fucker!

One day, My family said I could be home alone because my grandmother was at the senior center and my visitors Maynard and Christine were in Washington visiting their brother.

Your visitors? What? You mean your handlers?

'''When they left, I called the police to ask them where this video came from. I told them everything about the tape. So they came to my house within 3 minutes.'''

And arrested me for abusing 911. Meanwhile, in my city, a woman was robbed and killed because she couldn't get ahold of the police because my dumb ass was crying about SCURY TAPE!!!1!!!

'''I rewound the tape before playing it. I was too scared to look at the rest.'''

Wussy. Probably peed your damn pants!

While playing on the PS3, The police claimed that they had some screenshots for me.

Why would they show you those screenshots? Well, then again, you're in an asinine world where people can call the cops over unusual VHS tapes, so why not?

One picture was of Alice with a knife in her hand.

This reminded me of American McGee's Alice.

Another one was Alice on a crucifix while she was naked.

That's not scary, some people would find that erotic. Also, why is a police officer showing Rule34 to a child?

'''And the last one scared the crap out of me. It was a sketch of Alice killing my father.'''

Too bad she didn't kill him before he impregnated your mother. Honestly, the other two pictures they showed him was like the author looked up Alice in Wonderland images and found a picture of American McGee's Alice, and the other was from Rule34.

But i'm glad it was a sketch because if it was real, I would cry by then.

You're a dumbass.

'''Just then, One cop remembered something. He used to be an intern at Walt Disney Home Video before he was a police officer.'''

Just when I thought you couldn't say anything stupider, you spout this bullshit. "Oh yeah, I just remembered a job I had!". Are the police as stupid as the protagonist? Also, intern cliche.

He claimed that a man who knew about Satan

Who the fuck doesn't know about Satan? That would be like saying "He claimed that a man who breathed air"!

created the VHS before he got fired for satanism.

First off, Satan worship and Satanism are too different things. Second, that would technically be religious discrimination. Third, Disney is pretty Satanic so they would probably encourage it. Fourth, how did he dig up the animation cells and other things that were used to create Alice in Wonderland?

The cops then left to tell me that they knew this person's address and they were going to arrest him.

"FREEZE! You're under arrest for making a video that isn't scary at all!" Also, why is it never explained how grandma got the video in the first place?

I went outside and smashed the tape with a sledgehammer.

Kind of excessive, but ok.

That tape was destroyed by me.

Redundant.

I will never watch any more prints of Alice In Wonderland by different companies.

Well, you shouldn't because if you did you would be supporting a bootlegging company.

'''Goodbye! '''

Fuck off!