Nitpick Archive 1

Sonic.exe fan remake
Hello everybody. I'm starting a new series of blogs in which I tear apart the bad Creepypastas that end up on this site. This is something I have been considering doing for a while and finally decided to just do it.

In case anyone is wondering, yes I did already upload this but took it down a few times because I wanted to improve it. I also renamed this to Ned's Nitpicks just because I thought it sounded better.

Today I'm going to be tearing into A Sonic.exe remake, also known as Sonic.exe fan remake because I don't want people to confuse it with the actual remake by everyone's favorite author J.C. the Hyena.

I'm going to start this by saying Jesus Christ! This story is so fucking horrible! It's even worse than the original. It literally enraged me to the point where I am now considering putting up a Fail of the Year on the main page just to shame this piece of shit for its crimes against humanity, comitted simply by existing. The plot, tense swaps, and spelling are worse than anything that J.C. the LOLCOW would ever be (in)capable of.

Instead of summarizing the story, I'm going to use bits of it. The fragments from the actual story are in bold while my comments are not.

I recently searched this broken down old house.

Yeah, so for no reason that is ever explained to us he is just looking up this old house.

'''So I decided To go to this place with a friend of mine. Her Name was Olivia. She However never believed in the paranormal. In my head I always thought She thinks on lines of “Ghosts are bullshit,Democratic Demons to”.'''

As opposed to fascist demons I suppose.

'''Tho, She does love Sonic The Hedgehog. I wished She would love me like that. [...] Olivia come to me and asked what I was looking at. I never asked her, I just kept reading the description of the house.'''

Maybe she doesn't love you that much because you ignore her. Ever think of that? Also "Tho"?

Then at that moment I knew that my body was free!.

Is this an implication that the author was in some sort of trance? If so that sounds like it was ripped from the NES Godzilla creepypasta.

'''Olivia knew something was wrong as she looked deeply into my eyes. “We are going to that place” she said still staring at me. Olivia got in the car [...] I got in the car. The drive was 1 hour and 27 mins long.'''

Either this is a reference to the "stopwatch" cliche (in which authors give overly specific amounts of time of something happening) or it is played straight.

'''AFTER That, We made it to the house. Surprisingly The house was still in shape after the flames. [...] I saw a Television Still on. I wonder to myself how long that Television was on for. It had a blue hedgehog on there [...] [h]is Gloves were covered in erythrocyte.'''

Either the author thought they sounded smart by saying "erythrocyte" or they were just trying to avoid using the word "blood". Either way, it doesn't work and it makes the author look as if he is dancing around a cliche.

'''I saw a little kid’s room. It had Sonic merchandise Everywhere. On the desk there was a erythrocytly Sonic Plushy. [...] [T]he plushy was sitting on a disc. I lifted up the Plushy and had a look at the Words on the disc it said “Sonic.EXE” in black Marker.'''

Yep, the plushie and the Sonic.exe disk from the original.

'''I saw Olivia having a looker as I was doing Just before. I walked up to her and showed her the disc. She covered Her mouth with her hands as if she was scared? [...] “ You have no God damn idea what happened to this house do you!” She said Madly. Josh stood back a little.'''

Seeing as the author's name is Joshua, this is pretty much confirmation that it is a self-insert story. Usually people rewrite Jeff the Killer with themselves as the anti-hero, Instead the author of this story has rewritten Sonic.exe and inserted himself in the place of Tom.

Then Olivia snatched the disc from my hand.

I hope that's the only thing she had to snatch from your hand you little pervert.

Then bent the disc and Then the disc SNAPPED Into small bits and threw them to the ground.

I suppose that this is the author's way of dodging the question as to why someone would put a strange disk into their computer.

'''The Sonic On The Television turned around and pointed at The Sega Genesis below. There was Sonic.Exe cartridge. [...] I sat back down and then I was about to grab the remote.I heard a Voice “There is no need for that remote” As The Dark Hedgehog slowly turned to Face me.'''

Now that's just funny. It reminds me of the Broodwich episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

'''Olivia Walked over to the couch and looks at the Television Then looks away and then she rushes over and gives me a hug. I blushed over that hug. I have feelings for Olivia.'''

There are many things that can ruin a Creepypasta. One of those things is romance. This gets even more cringe-worthy when you realise that this is a self insert story and the author is pretty much shipping himself with someone.

'''So I press Start. Sonic’s Eyes went erythrocyte Shot.'''

Just say blood! Christ! Also, it made me face palm when I realised that these morons were sitting inside an abandoned house playing video games.

'''It had 3 Characters on a dark red Clouds background. Olivia noticed That there was a padlock on Knuckles and Dr Robotnik. The only character I could chose was Tails. So obviously I chose Tails.'''

Yeah, I'm just going to do a jumpcut here because what is described in the story is pretty much what we've already read in the original.

'''I moved to the right then I see a dead bird. A mother fuckin dead bird?'''

"Yeah, let's use swear words. That's totally not going to make it sound like a joke, it'll make me sound super serious" the author said sarcastically.

'''Olivia was concerned at this time and said let me take care of this. [...] Then Sonic appears behind a tree with blood on his gloves.'''

FINALLY, you used the word blood!

Anyway, blah blah blah... jumpcut.

“Olivia Join Me or Die With Tails”

Ooh, the "game knows my real name" cliche.

'''Olivia covered her mouth In shocked and started crying. I hugged Olivia tightly. “I’m sorry for crying I’m sorry for dragging you into this Josh!” As tears ran down her Face. “Shhh It’s okay as long as I’m with you I don’t care what happens.”'''

I don't know if this is more cringe worthy, hilarious, or vomit inducing. I guess a little of all three?

'''The Game crashes. “Olivia I don’t know what happened. But You’re are so right” as a tear comes down my eye. “I don’t care Joshy as long as I have you I’m perfectly fine”. Somehow The house caught on fire.'''

So for no reason at all the house catches fire... just because.

'''Then I got in the car and she did too and we drove off barely escaped the Inferno but then I saw a shadow figure. It Looked like a lady with a full Coat on..'''

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Then finally the story ends with this threat:

To Be continued…

It better not be! I doubt it would have answered any questions anyway.

Well, there you have it. A poorly written, unfinished Sonic.exe remake that nobody asked for. Just when I thought Sonic.exe couldn't get any worse, this came along. With its random capitalizations, weak and stolen plot, vomit inducing shoe-horned in romance, poor spelling, and characters based on real people it reminded me of Sonichu. In a matter of fact while I was reading this I imagined the main characters Sonichu and Rosechu. I don't know, the house they visited had a bunch of Sonic crap and burned down, maybe it was the Chandler household.

Berenstain Bears Lost Book
Pour a drink and take a shot every time this following story rips off Dead Bart

As you may know that popular book/show The Berenstain Bears.

As we may know what about them? Are you saying we might know them? This sounds like a rip-off of the opening line of Ed, Edd 'n Eddy Lost Episode

'''Stan Berenstain had a darker plot planned for book 24. The book was called: "Grandpa's House."'''

In actuality the 24th book in the series was "The Berenstain Bears and the Missing Dinosaur Bone"

One time I was looking at Berenstain Bears books and, I clicked shopping on Google and an unknown book of The Berenstain Bears appeared, and I ordered it, and I read it 2 days later.

"I read it 2 days later", is that how long it took to be delivered to your house, or is that how long it took for you to get off the toilet and read the damn thing?

Something was weird about this book; Papa Bear was angry, Mama Bear had no emotion, Sister Bear was sad, and Brother Bear was worried.

The Berenstain family was going to their grandpa's house and Brother Bear said, "Mama, I don’t want to go," and for some reason, Sister Bear was crying because her brother didn't want to go, And Papa Bear was angry at Brother, As the car was driving.

"As the car was driving." What? It would have made more sense if we were told right away that they were in the car to set the scene, and so we can accurately imagine what is going on, instead of telling us in a poorly placed grammatical train-wreck.

'''It started showing weird drawings of people dressed up like them. I repeat: not bears, humans.'''

This is not a drill people! This is the real deal! Code red! Code red! Humans dressed as bears! The irony in all this is that the Berenstain Bears are bears who dress as people.

They had black voids where thier eyes should have been and while nobody was at the house as it showed the house, there were no doors or windows.

Black voids instead of eyes. Soooo creepy! Also, no doors or windows? Who was the lazy fuck who illustrated this?

'''[It] showed Papa getting out of the car and pulling out his saw and cutting a tree. It fell on the car and Brother, Sister, and Mama Ran out of the car as it was on fire. They ran from the car and it showed Brother with mismatched human eyes, Mother bear had a human mouth that appeared to have been cut and pasted from a photograph, and Sister had a photo-realistic body. Papa Bear had no face at the time'''

Did the author forget that this was a book? The way they are talking it is apparent that they did. Also "had no face at the time". No, we're stupid, we need to be told that at the time he didn't have a face but it would return later!

Then I stopped reading it and showed it to a friend and he was very surprised that The Berenstain Bears were darker than usual,

Darker than usual? It was never dark to begin with! Sure they dealt with sensitive issues such as racism and death, but never anything dark.

'''I took pictures from the book and loaded them on my computer, but then something went wrong. My computer went nuts! I clicked C-Cleaner to clean it out and I rebooted the computer, and everything in my folder was erased, but other files on the computer and folders were lucky.'''

It gave me a computer virus. You know, like Dead Bart? Also "the other files on the computer and folers were lucky." makes me grateful for the author's sake that speaking basic English isn't a necessity for basic human survival.

'''I wrote a letter to Stan Berenstain about the book. He replied that book was made by a producer at my company but he fired him.'''

Stan Berenstain died in 2005, which would have been at least 6 years before this shitfest was written. "made by a producer at my company" first off, the books were written and illustrated by the Berenstains. Second, there is no "production company", the books are released by a publisher.

Also, "producer"? Producer of what? This is a book not an episode of the series. And how did it get published to begin with? Does the author not realize that it would have fallen into the hands of an illustrator and editor before it would be published?

'''I sold the book and added a warning sign on the book! Then someone bought it and as I knew the person. They ripped it up after she told me it appeared in her closet, her attack, her dresser, under her bed, and in her food cabinet. She asked her siblings if they did it. They did not know anything about the book, so she asked her mom and dad and they didn't do it, so the book was cursed and she ripped up the book and put it in the blender, and threw it in the fire and it was never seen again!'''

Oooooh, the haunted-thing-won't-be-destroyed trope, scary. Also, all that seems pretty excessive don't you think?

The book was made: February 1, 1989 At the time, Stan had an idea for a book about life and realistic things while in the book he drew a realistic painting of Brother Bear.

Just like the part in Dead Bart where it mentions that Matt Groening wanted the Simpsons to be realistic by including themes like death.

Also, the aforementioned "The Berenstain Bears and the Missing Dinosaur Bone" was published in 1980, 9 years before this book was supposedly written. There were books written between 1980 and 1989 which puts a damper on the whole book 24 idea.

When page 14 started Grandpa Bear was sitting on his table staring at the person reading the book, then on page 15, it said, "Two minutes later, As Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Sister Bear were at Bear Country’s graveyard, and then Sister, Mama, and Papa were breaking the car when Sister finds Brother's body covered in maggots. She starts vomiting and crying, but Papa stares at Mama bear, then they all look at Brother's body and starts vomiting on each other but then stop and stare at Brother's body

Brother Bear died, you know, like Bart? Also, am I missing something here? When did he die?

Page 23 opened with Papa saying something but I couldn't understand it cause all it said was "Papa bear was saying:" "UDHNDSIRLUHLDKJFHVNDJSKRIEWLDJGKDK" when I said it to repeat it sounded like I was babbling.

Just like the part in Dead Bart where Homer makes a joke that isn't audible.

'''Everyone starts leaving as the book came to a close on Page 34. No copyright logo on the back of the book or anything, but there was Indian hand writing, but I couldn't understand what it said. I think it said, "The Berenstain Bears is copyright 1851," but that's not the year The Berenstain Bears was made.'''

That went nowhere. Also, I'm not even going to waste my time mentioning the whole copyright problem.

'''also on my book it had death tombstones, but some cast haven't died yet. Some people who died in the book were very well known as Tom Kenny, John Kricfalusi, Cory Doran, Tabithia St. Germain, Tim Allen, and Jim Cummings.'''

Cast? This is a book not a show! Also, Dead Bart rip-off. Next!

You can pretend that the deaths are not really in the book, but you can think about when you read this book.

How in the hell can I pretend something is not in a book that doesn't even exist? Also WHY would I pretend they aren't in there? And why would I think about it if I'm pretending it's not in there?

The weird thing was that the ones who did die all were in February, some were in March, but most were in February.

Yeah, you have fun with that! On to the next story:

Victor Smurf.
Unfortunately, no this is not a story about the Smurfs, it is a story about a fat little boy.

once a pona time

As opposed to "Once upon a time".

'''there was a kid named Victor smurf! He loved eating donuts, cream filling sponge cakes'''

I don't know where you live, author but here in the United States we call "cream filling sponge cakes" Twinkies.

But one day his grand parents decided that he need to get exercize because hes been getting overweight latley

Who is "hes"? Is Hes Victor's brother? I don't think I have to point out that I'm just sassing the author's poor grasp on spelling.

so they finnaly got to take him out of the house.

Finnaly? Is that where this is taking place, Finland?

This is were the story really beggins.

The story "beggins" to be put out of its misery as to not humiliate itself by merely existing.

Along the way to cici's pizza victor was playing his psp vita on his 3d hd plasma tv in the back of the van.

Yeah, let's put our grandson on a diet but also give him pizza and video games! Great idea, grand parents!

'''He said Grandmom, get out the whellchair ramp and get me a glazed donut. hen while she was getting out the ramp she said no victor there be a buffet you dont need to spoil your appetite. Then victor cried because of he couynt have a donut.'''

Even if this wasn't a cluster of poorly spelled words, lack of punctuation, and missing quotation marks this scene would have still been hilarious.

'''As soon as they got in the cici pizza victor let his grandparents pay. He went towards the pizza ate 14 full large pizza's. But it doesnt end there he was 25% full. He went to the desert elie and ate 40 donuts within 5 seconds. Then he had a surger rush and became mentally insane.'''

I'm not going to point out the obvious that it is impossible for him to eat that much without dying of a massive heart attack. Also Surger rush? Is that like a sugar rush? Most likely if he had that much sugar he would go into a diabetic coma.

The workers refused to make any more pizza and victor got so raged that he compelty went sycopath.

So the workers, like Victor's parents, did nothing to stop him except refuse to make more which could pontentially put their jobs on the line? Ok.

'''Then he attacked his grandmother and ripped her face off and ate it and pulled out her heart and he ate that as well, then he started to consume the blood. Blood was dripping off his ulgy face. The n the manager started to call 911. Then aafter than befor he could even talk to the guy victor put the guys face in a oven shut the oven door and his head got hotter and hotter and then it started to boil. Then victor sliced his face and his face was just served as pizza. Then victor seened a girl in fright then he jumped on top of her then started to bury her in his fat. Making the girl drown. Then victor keeped on killingone after a nother. Then the police finnaly came. Then they tried to shoot victor but one thing they did not k ow is that victor had so much fat it was ike a blulet proof vest. Then victor ate all of the cops. Then everyone was dead. Victorhad a heart attack and died.'''

I'm sure all that the author was thinking while writing this was "LOL, fatty!" Also, pointless, unrealistic violence. How was no one able to stop him, and how did it take that long for a heart attack to set in?

LEGEND: It says if you ever go into a CiCi's pizza and if the buffet ever runs out they say victors ghost will come out from the dead to seek revenge on the people and the crew who didnt serve him anymore pizza! There has been reported deaths at CiCi's pizza's all around the world. Who knows the one who might be writing this might be HIm!'

"Who knows the one who might be writing this might be HIm" LOL, you just called yourself an obese ghost, author!

Nick
There once was a boy named Nick he loved Jeff the killer stories but one day his mother yelled at him for scaring his sister and that he's done reading scary stories nick said "no I like these stories you can stop me".

I wonder if this is based on something that actually happened to the author. Also "you can stop me", well she sure can. And she is.

His mother smacked him"you need to stop your 14 years old you don't need to be reading scary books and talking back"

Scary books? I could give the author the benefit of the doubt and say that this was an intentional mix up in a similar way that our mothers used to think that every video game console was called Nintendo, but I doubt the author knew what he was writing.

nick put his head down and walked to his room that night when nick was sleeping he had a dream a dream so exciting he woke up.

Aww, his first wet dream. And it was about Jeff! Come on, we were all thinking it!

'''Nick got out of bed and walked to the kitchen now with a crooked smile he walked in to his mothers room and slit her throat and said " YOU WONT STOP ME!" After his mother died he walked to his sisters room and jabbed her right in the neck " ITS FINE NOW YOU WONT BE SCARED EVER AGAIN".'''

Of course. It was sooooo edgy when Jeff killed his family, so that means it will be sooooo edgy when I do it. And isn't that a little extreme, killing your own mother just because she wouldn't let you read Jeff the Killer? Think about it, he committed actual murder on his own mother over the fail that is Jeff the Killer.

Nick heard sirens and fled.

How did the police know he committed murder? I'm imagining that he killed his family, then heard police sirens responding to something unrelated. Thinking that they came to arrest him, he fled. The friendly officer who was on his way to a 7-11 robbery asked him where he was going. He did a lame pose and said, in a lame voice he thought was big and scary, "I am Nick the Killer! Go to sleep" which ends with him confessing to the murder of his family, which in turn results in him being arrested.

Charlie the Killer
Hello everyone, and welcome to what could possibly be the last Ned's Nitpicks. Today I will tear apart Charlie the Killer. Also, I'm sorry for being tardy with this one.

Well, here we have it. The definition of all shitty Jeff OCs. This is my "favorite" amongst all the Jeff OCs. Why? Because this one is short, not a complete rip off of Jeff's story, and it is a defining example of what all these stories are actually like.

Jeff is nearly 18 now and meeting Jane the Killer was a big thrill for him as she died a tragic death from ‘falling down the stairs’ but this didn’t stop his psychopathic ways.

First of all, how in the hell does anyone who isn't a 100 year old nursing home patient die simply by falling down stairs? Was it the basement steps that led to a cement wall? Was there spikes at the bottom? Who the hell knows.

Second, I'm assuming that Jeff murdered her and used "falling down the stairs" as an alibi. This theory is made evident by the apostrophes that should be quotation marks, but it is slightly confusing as to why a murderer who is on the run for already killing people has to make up a lie like that. Did the city prison make some deal with him that he was allowed to kill whoever he wanted except Jane?

The only point of this is to kill off a character who wasn't even canon in the first place just so the self-insert OC can be with Jeff.

Charlie was going through a rough bullying stage at school

Oh no! She's like the only person who has ever been bullied in history YOU GUYZ! She was probably bullied because she has boy's name. Yes I am aware that Charlie can be short for Charlotte, but we're never told anywhere that Charlotte is her full name.

and was beginning to get depressed and hearing voices on her head.

Not in her head, on them! Good thing they are invisible or else they would get dandruff on their shoes. I imagine that they talk a lot and one time during a test when her teacher was talking she shouted "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BASTARD!" to one of the voices and got into trouble.

They were telling her to do stuff.

Did they tell her to write a shitty self-insert story?

'''[O]ne day she snapped and listened to the voices in her head and pulled out the copper piping from the wall and stabbed her bully to death then licked the blood off the pipe. She leaned near the bullies body and whispered “Now you know how I felt when you called me ugly and said I was too fat to meet any one who’d like me and that I was a whore who should kill myself!”,'''

As this review of it pointed out ""One day Charlie decided to be insane, so she ripped a copper pipe out of the wall at her school. It was easy because she went to school in a building made of wet paper, apparently. The copper pipe was also strong and sharp enough to stab someone with, so it would seem the school did not adhere to safety regulations. Anyway, Charlie murdered a "bully" with the pipe and ranted at the corpse, "This is how I felt when you were calling me names! Name-calling is the equivalent of murder! I am completely justified in doing this because I'm an author avatar, I mean a victim! Anyone who says name-calling does not deserve death is just a bully as well!" She then licked blood off the pipe, not realizing that there are several blood-borne pathogens that she could contract in this sad attempt to look badass. Charlie ended up with hepatitis C."

On top of the aforementioned blood diseases, she could probably get sick from licking a pipe that is most likely rusted and probably had sewage water running through it.

Also were they the only people in the school? Why didn't anybody stop this?

'''[A]fter she realised what she had done, ran away. She didn’t feel bad about this. Actually she was quite glad. She wanted to do it more.'''

Since no one else was at the school, Charlie ran away without anyone stopping her for her crimes or to ask her why she is leaving without a permission slip.

'''So Charlie went out. She killed more people just because she liked the feeling of knowing she wasn’t in fear any more.'''

I imagine she's just walking down a busy sidewalk swinging her knife back and forth, slashing random people while everyone simply stares at her, not even trying to stop her. Also, since when was she living in fear? We were told she was bullied, but that is not the same thing as living in fear.

Charlie was never a mean girl.

I don't know, maybe it's just me but ruining other peoples' lives by killing them and causing a lifetime of grief for their friends and family kind of sounds mean to me.

'''She had beautiful eyes, with brunette hair! But she started wearing really dark make up and died her hair black.'''

She was like sooooooo pretty u guize! She is like the sexiest thing ever and it burns my soul that only Jeff can have her! Why was everyone soooooo mean to this beauty?! It's not fair!

Also cliche transformation scene. This also makes me wonder, if everyone treats her so badly then who bought her the make up and dark hair. She was probably not only picked on for having a boy's name, but for being a total emo.

She’d read the ‘Jeff the Killer’ stories and looked further into this as Jeff was her inspiration.

Again, if she is abused then who bought her the computer to read said stories? I doubt the school has a library seeing as their budget is so small that they cannot afford walls thicker than a sheet of paper, proper plumbing, or staff who should be around when their students are being murdered.

She went on and started doing what Jeff did!

But Jeff never wrote a shitty story about himself.

'''she use to say “Don’t go to sleep. I want you to feel the pain I went through!” Then she would pull out there guts and burn them in their own stomach acid. Watching as blood would fly every where.'''

Because she apparently lives in a town where there is no police, firearms, or home security.

Also that lame ass catchphrase is just an even shittier version than Jeff's.

Charlie became the talk of the town.

Ah yes, the talk of the town! The toast of Broadway! At last she has the popularity she deserves. Oh wait, you mean she became infamous? Well then, why is no one trying to stop her?

'''One day she went on a search for Jeff the Killer. She looked every where, hoping that one day they’ll meet.'''

I have a feeling the author of this story is looking for Jeff the Killer in real life. Dumbass.

'''Charlie finally met Jeff. Jeff looked at her, he didn’t say a thing. His eyes where locked onto hers. He walked up to her and brushed her hair behind her ear and kissed her on the cheek.'''

He doesn't have lips so I imagine he just pressed his exposed teeth against her cheek, slightly nicking it.

'''Charlie blushed and questioned Jeff “Why do you like some one like me? I’m just a fat, ugly, whore!”'''

The sad part is that all of those things are probably true.

'''Jeff looked down at the floor and then looked up at Charlie again. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met and you’re not fat, ugly or a whore,” Jeff spoke.'''

How would he know she is not a whore? Maybe she is fat and ugly and he knows she is not a whore because no one would ever want to sleep with her.

'''“Jeff, you don’t know what I’ve been through! All I do is push people away!” Charlie whimpered as tears started streaming down her face.'''

First off, they just met!

Second, you're right Charlie. Jeff will never know what you've been through. He had been bullied, abused, burnt, and disfigured but I supposed being called names and thrown in a locker is MUCH worse than all those things combined.

Also, who have you turned away besides readers? Nobody, that's who!

'''“My father left me after violently beating me and my mother. I don’t want to fall in love with you as then I’ll have to trust you and I don’t want to end up killing myself like my mother…”'''

Instead of expositing this to us, the author should have made these events actually take place within the story. Also, big shock, she was abused by a drunk father and her mother killed herself. Wow! That's NEVER been done in a Jeff spinpasta before.

Also she doesn't want to end up killing herself like her mother. If she is so happy why the fuck would she?

Her mother probably killed herself because her daughter writes shitty stories about a murderer she is in love with.

Also, who is Charlie's legal guardian? Is she in some third-world country where there is no police, no proper schools, and where orphans are left to just fend for themselves? If so, then maybe her and Jeff are the heroes by ending the miserable lives of the poor people who have to live there.

'''After being with each other for two years Jeff decided it was time that Charlie and him should get married. “Charlie?” Jeff lent down on one knee “Will you do me the honours of becoming my wife?”'''

Where did he get the ring at? Did Jeff, a wanted murderer, just casually walk into a jewelry store and buy this ring? I'm going to show this story some mercy and imagine he robbed a jewelry and killed everyone inside. It makes more since seeing as Jeff is only a teenager and obviously doesn't have a job.

Jeff opened up the case to see a gorgeous ring with little diamonds going round the edge.

I know everyone has their own tastes, but that ring sounds really ugly to me. Fuck Jeff and his poo-poo poor taste in jewelry!

Apparently, this dinky little thing is all Jeff could afford. You know what, he probably didn't even buy it, it was probably one of those decorative plastic rings that they put on top of cupcakes.

'“YES!” Charlie squealed in joy “YES, I WILL MARRY YOU!” as tears of joy streamed down both of their face they went back home.

I bet she squealed. Squealed like a pig. Oink oink oink!

Also, how the hell does a jobless teenager afford a home? And what name does he sign on the rent under? Probably his own seeing as murder is legal in the town he lives in.

'''A week before the wedding Charlie sits down at the bottom of the bed and begins to cry. “What’s wrong?” Jeff curiously asks. “I’m pregnant!” Charlie cries. “What?” Jeff says surprisingly. “I’m 13 weeks pregnant! I was going to tell you before but I didn’t want to make a big fuss and then we loose it!” “Charlie! This is great news!”'''

I hope for that baby's sake she does "lose it." That poor child will have to suffer all sorts of things: its parents are criminals, it will probably get bullied in a cartoonish fashion because that apparently runs in the family, and it will be a character in a shitty OC story.

Jeff the Killer vs. The Rake
I was on my way to Harvard University with my girlfriend, Kate.

First sentence and the story is ruined by shitty romance. Wonderful!

'''We were driving in the ’12 Mustang my dad bought before he was murdered. You see, I was a farm boy from Kansas'''

Were you friends with Dorothy Gale?

me and my dad would always set scarecrows in the field where he worked most of the year.

Farms in Kansas? Scarecrows? The fuck boy, did you just get done watching The Wizard of Oz or something?

Anyway TLDR author and his brother fights about who sets the scarecrow for Halloween 1997, his dad chooses him, he erects the scarecrow, and then something that I am assuming is The Rake destroys it.

Dad showed with his sawed-off shotgun, “Pacemaker”

He showed with it? You mean he showed up with it. Also, I think you meant to type "Peacemaker" instead of "Pacemaker."

'''but it was too fast for him. One of its talons pierced his chest, while Pacemaker’s bullet pierced the old man’s chest. Both fell to the ground, dead. Or so I thought. When the police arrived, they didn’t find that man’s body. Nor did they find any corpse at the crime scene. All they found was Pacemaker, which the police gave to me, and a sentence.'''

Ok, first of all you are in Kansas, not Texas so the police wouldn't give you a gun. Second, they gave you a sentence? Any person who knows how to read would probably see this and think you meant that they sentenced you to prison or something. In case anyone is wondering, the author meant that they gave him a note.

'''It was a threat, left by the “Old Man”. “Your father killed me. Now I’m going to kill YOU!”'''

The police don't seem concerned about this at all. Also, in case you are wondering: no, this is never explored. We aren't told why Jeff wants to kill the main character either.

Anyway, we decided to stop in Ohio, overnight at a motel.

Like the woman in the original Rake story?!

'''We didn’t care the clerk smelled like diarrhea and alcohol. We were in love.'''

I'm sure if this story had a smell, that would be it. Also everyone, this is apparently a jump cut. Or at least I'm assuming. I don't know, maybe he is in love with the gun. Maybe that is why it is called Pacemaker, because the family is so in lust with the gun that it makes them feel like an electrical impulse was sent to their hearts.

Also, wow! You must be super horny if you don't care that you smell shit and booze.

'''Immediately we jumped in bed and started to kiss. We embraced what little time we had at the motel.'''

Yeah, that's what I want to read when I go on to a horror literature website, smut!

'''“I have to take a shower, I’ll be right back.” She walked into the bathroom; I fell back on the bed thinking about what we would do together. *Sigh*'''

Quit typing *Sigh*. I would say this isn't a script, but the author was probably one of those children who wrote a shitty story thinking it would be read by every popular Creepypasta narrator in the fucking galaxy!

'''I pulled out an innocent looking box, opened it, and looked at the treasure that I would have presented to her. A beautiful ring topped off with two polished pearls. *sigh*'''

QUIT SAYING SIGH, YOU STUPID FUCK!

Marriage would have been the best thing for us.

I don't know, you seem pretty content fornicating.

'''If Jeff didn’t come along it would have been different. Somehow, he snuck through the bathroom window. I jumped up from bed when I heard Kate screaming. It wasn’t terror, no, it was pain and suffering.'''

She probably realized she was in a shitty story and it caused her to scream.

I slowly put my ear to the bathroom door

Or better, ask if everything is ok. I'm not sure about you guys, but if I heard someone break through a window and the love of my life screaming I would think something is wrong. Why didn't he try to barge in? They probably already diddled so it's not like he would see anything he didn't already.

[A]nd heard, “Go… To… SLEEP!!!” I heard the knife plunge into Kate’s body several times.

Was Kate made of metal or something? I mean it is possible that you can hear a tearing sound but I doubt... you know, whatever!

'''The shower kept going. Her screaming stopped.'''

Was this Bates' motel? Did you hear the infamous Psycho music?

I heard the mirror shatter; then the intruder rushed towards the door punching a hole through.

I'm assuming the door was locked from the inside. If that is the case, why didn't Jeff just unlock the door and open it? I don't know, maybe he likes dramatic entrances.

'''He kept punching down the door, ripping it apart trying to reach me. That’s when he stopped and looked at me, I saw his face. A creepy ass expression!'''

His ass had an expression? Also, LAME!

'''The maniac stopped for a few seconds, then leaped on top of me, with his knife aimed at my heart. “Go. TO…” I had Pacemaker out and aimed the killer’s testicles. “I’m going to your blow your balls all over this room. Now Get the Fuck off me!” He listened and got up away me.'''

No, that didn't make the story sound like a Trollpasta at all. Also what the hell does "He listened and got up away me" mean? Did you forget the word "from"?

'''The Killer leaped towards his knife. I aimed and I fired. He had snatched his knife up, and flung it towards my head. I deflected it and I fired again.'''

Deflected it with what? The gun? If so I doubt if you lack the intelligence to write a decent, properly written story your reflexes probably are shit.

'''He ducked; then he tackled me out the 1st story window, landing on the pavement. I bruised my heel, while he twisted his kneecap.'''

TLDR author sees the Rake and screams, alerting the occupant of one of the apartments who comes with a gun and the Rake jumps off the 1st story floor (I'm thinking the same thing, guys), the guy gets killed and shots fire somehow... Yeah anyway.

'''Then I remembered the warning, “Your father killed me. Now I’m going to kill you!” When he was done tearing apart the piece of meat that was the tenant, he faced me. Jeff barked, “Uh-Uh! I saw him first, you freak!” The “Old Man” slowly turned to face Jeff. “Yeah! I’m talking to you! What’re you going to about it?”'''

First off, you can't not laugh at that retort. Second, since when can the Rake speak?

Anyway TLDR: Jeff and the Rake fight, totally ignoring the spazz main character who shoots the Rake who had just winded Jeff. Jeff asks the idiot if he is going to "finish" him, which the idiot refuses to do and instead knocks him out with the butt of the gun.

I can't help but wonder why the idiot doesn't give a fuck that his girlfriend was just murdered, but who really cares?

Anywho the Rake is apparently not dead and attacks the idiot who stabs him with Jeff's knife. Jeff leaves with the gun instead of killing the main character

“Old Man” heard him and started to run toured him wean it was close to him Jeff let off a shot

This looks like a Trollpasta. He "toured" him? What did he explore his body with his finger tips? Wow! This is more erotic than what we got with the so-called hero and his forgotten girlfriend. Also "wean"? The author was probably thinking of penises and subconsciously spelled this. Or he was probably trying to Google penises and somehow it got here. I don't know.

'''hit the thing right in the head it being scared it ran off Jeff ran after it I heard the whole thing. Jeff said “Shhhhhh it’s time to go to sleep.”'''

Jeff chasing something with a gun and saying that is just fucking hilarious.

'''Then let off some more shots entail the thing was in to. Jeff pick up his knife and started walking to me'''

Ok, so Jeff and the Rake were battling to kill this douchebag and the Rake just runs off, forgetting him and Jeff chases him a bit only to return to douche-author. Ok.

I didn’t question it he spared my life maybe because I spared his I don’t know but I never saw him after that day.

Let me guess, because you spared his life he spared yours, therefore giving Jeff a bit of respectability. Well, after being in this story, not even the Rake has respectability.

I'm imagining the author walking away into the sunrise, not giving a fuck about his dead girlfriend.