How Mary Sue Became a Mary Sue

Once there was a little girl named Mary Sue Perfectpants, who thought that she would one day become a Creepypasta character and move into Slender Man's mansion. After various shenanigans, and threatening to kill the Creepypasta Wiki's site staff and herself, Mary was put into a mental institution by her parents. When we last saw Mary she shit her pants trying to turn into the Hulk. It had seemed that when the warm diarrhea soaked her pants, she had finally came to the realization that Creepypastas were just stories.

Unfortunately since Mary was so spoiled and used to getting everything she ever wanted, she wouldn't allow this childish dream to die.

One night, halfway through Mary's stay in the mental asylum, Mary lay in bed, thinking of how unfair life is because she would never get to kiss Jeff's lipless teeth (which most likely would have dust, twigs, dead flies, and paper shreds caught between them). A thought hit Mary so suddenly that her eyes bulged and her stream of tears immediately stopped pouring. The idea came on so suddenly that she reacted in shock before she even knew what it was.

"OF COURSE!" she whispered loudly as a grin spread across her face. "This is supposed to happen! This is like that scene in Jeff the Killer when he is in the hospital! All I have to do is wait until they let me out of here, then I have to kill my parents and run to the woods! Oh, I'm so stupid!"

Mary smiled and drifted off to sleep. For the rest of her stay in the asylum she acted as if she knew Creepypastas were only fun little stories. Every time she would tell her psychiatrist that she knew that Slender Man wasn't real, she would say a little prayer to him in his head, begging her "father" for forgiveness.

Mary was let out two weeks later, and her family celebrated with a small party. The only people who gave a fuck to show up at this party were Mary's parents who thought that Mary was cured of her insanity, and Amelia who only showed up because she had nothing better to do and she was promised there would be cake. Indeed there was a cake, it was chocolate with white icing and the words "YOU'RE NOT CRAZY ANYMORE!" half-jokingly written on it with red icing. For a moment Mary imagined the red icing was the blood of her parents, and that Jeff would be the one to cut the cake.

After this little party ended half an hour after it started, Mary went back up to her room and created another sockpuppet and posted a blog on the Creepypasta Wiki.

"Dear Jerks!" Mary wrote. "Thanks to u I went to mennal hosptital! My parints sawed my frets, THAT U MAED ME MAEK, AND DEY LOCK ME UP! FUK U!"

Because Mary seemingly didn't know that trolls exist, and that stupid people primarily occupied the Creepypasta Wiki, she got all kinds of well-deserved abuse thrown at her.

"LOL! U CRAZY!" one wrote.

""Why the fuck would you publicly admit that! You belong in an asylum you retard!" wrote another.

Because the administrators of that site are too busy to pay attention to what goes on, it was a whole week before one of them noticed it and deleted it.

The night Mary came home she put on her lame costume, stole a knife from the kitchen, and crept into her parents' bedroom. Mary sat her fat ass on her mother, who awoke in time to see her daughter raise a knife over her.

"GO TO SLEEP... FOREVER!" Mary shouted.

Being a living thing that could move, Mary's mother pushed her daughter off of herself. Mary's father had already awaken when he felt his daughter's fat body put pressure on the bed.

"MARY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" Mary's father shouted. For the first time in his life he raised his voice at his spoiled little shitcake.

Mary ran to the hall, shutting the door behind her to slow her parents down. This would have been effective if it didn't take Mary thirty seconds to figure out how the lock on the front door worked. When she was finally outside, she ran to the street where she was hit by a car. Somehow she was not hurt and immediately jumped to her feet and ran to the forest. She was lucky that the driver was a careless asshole who didn't stop to make sure she was ok.

Mary searched the forest for hours, hoping to find the Slender Mansion, or at least her "father" or "future husband". Around 2 o'clock in the morning Mary came up with the asinine idea that her "father" Slender Man was looking for her, and that it would be best if she just sat still and waited for him. She found a clearing where she lay down, not concerning herself with the possibility that she could be lying on animal waste, or have lice crawl into her hair. She was directly under the moon, which somehow lit up the entire clearing, because the plot calls for it to (I promise, just keep reading).

Then suddenly she heard footsteps coming closer and closer.

"D-daddy?" she said, sprining to her feet.

She could see a shadow between trees, coming closer and closer. Whatever it was (that "what ever" she thought was Slender Man) it was not coming fast enough. Then suddenly, it made its way into the clearing. The shadow that had masked it faded away as it walked into the lit clearing (see, I told you the plot required the clearing to be lit!). It had made its entrance, but it was not Slender Man, it was EVIL PATRIXXX.

"Who the fuck are you?!" Mary shouted, thinking the word "fuck" would make her sound cool.

"I'm EVIL PATRIXXX and I have come to take you to my mansion!" the fat creature replied.

"But... But Slender Man..."

"Slender Man is a wussy!" EVIL PATRIXXX interrupted. "You're coming to my mansion right now!"

"Mansion?" Mary's anger turned joy. "Does Jeff live with you?!"

"Yeah, sure! Now get off your ass and follow me!"

EVIL PATRIXX grabbed Mary by the arm and dragged her through the woods. A few times Mary had tried to break free, but EP's grasp was so tight that he didn't even notice she was trying to free herself.

Finally they made their way to another clearing where there was a rundown looking old shed.

"Here we are." said EVIL PATRIXXX, finally letting go.

"Where are we?" Mary asked, rubbing her sore wrist.

"This is my mansion!" he responded as he opened the door.

"But this isn't a mansion!" Mary whined.

"HEY!" he snapped, making her tremble. "I'm too ugly to get a real job, and I'm based on a fat moron who lives under a fucking rock! I'm doing pretty well for myself! NOW GET IN!"

Although Mary was afraid that she would be walking into some sort of cliche horror movie torture chamber where she would be held captive, she was more afraid of EVIL PATRIXXX who gave her an evil stare. Mary reluctantly walked into the shed, and to her surprise it was well lit and was furnished like a small living room.

"Well, I think I should be going now..." Mary said when she reached the last step. She tried to turn around, but EVIL PATRIXXX's fat form blocked the doorway.

"Where do you think you're going?!" EVIL PATRIXXX asked. Somehow his half-evil half-stare was even more menacing and frighting than the evil stare he had been giving her a mere minute ago.

"W-well, I want to go home..." said Mary.

"This is your home now!" said EVIL PATRIXXX as he pushed himself into the shed and shut the door behind him. "Let me introduce you to your new roommates."

He grabbed her tightly by the arm and led her down a staircase to a small basement, wher ethe Trollpasta characters sat around a table, playing cards.

"Now let me introduce you to everyone..." said EVIL PATRIXXX, he pointed at each one as he said their names. "That's EVIL SONIXXX, that's EVIL KERMIXXX, that's The Man with the Bag, that's SpingeBill, and that's The Man in the Suit!"

None of the card players even bothered to acknowledge Mary's presence.

"But... but where's Jeff?" Mary asked.

"He'll be home soon." hearing EVIL PATRIXXX say this was enough to dissolve any fear Mary had. She would finally meet Jeff and he would take her to Slender Man's mansion!

"Of course!" she thought "EVIL PATRIXXX is just giving me a place to stay until Jeffy brings me to Daddy's mansion!"

"EVERYBODY, PUT THOSE DAMN CARDS DOWN!" EVIL PATRIXXX shouted, banging his fist on the table. "THIS IS MARY SUE PERFECTPANTS!"

They all stared at her as if they could tell how toxic she was, as if they already hated her. After a moment of silently gawking at her, they resumed their card game. Suddenly there was a loud banging sound coming from upstairs.

"Huh, Jeff's home!" said EVIL PATRIXXX.

"Jeff!" Mary shouted as she ran up the stairs. And sure enough, there was Jeff the Killer, locking the entrance door which he had just slammed shut.

"JEFF! I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED, AND...!" Mary shouted excitedly as she hugged him.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" He shouted as he shoved her off of himself.

"But... but Jeff, it's me, your future wife!" Mary whined.

"Future wife?!" Jeff shouted. "Why would I want a future wife?! I'm a fucking murderer, lady, not one of those wussy vampires from Twilight!"

"But... but..." was all she could say before he cut her off again.

"But nothing! I got to go to the fucking dentist now and get the dead bugs out from between my teeth, then I have to see my fucking eye doctor because I don't have no fucking lids to protect them!"

"Then can we get married?" she whimpered.

"Married?! I'm twelve fucking years old!" he shouted getting closer to her face "I haven't even reached fucking puberty yet, how the fuck am I supposed to get married?! What am I to you, lady?! A fucking joke?! Some cute, little misunderstood Teddy bear? I'm a fucking kiler! I don't want love, I don't want to have babies, I want to go around and take my angst out on assholes who had nothing to do with my misfortunes!"

Of course Mary was unphased by this, and she made the suggestion that her brain, which never seemed to stop protecting her fragile mental state, came up with.

"Can I come with you?" she thought that if she did he would fall in love with her.

"Fuck no, I'm not having some baby fuck things up! I haven't been caught by the police because I'm crafty, and I'm not getting caught being slowed down by some baby!"

Jeff stormed out the door.

"You aren't supposed to marry him, anyway." said EVIL PATRIXXX, who Mary had not perceived standing behind her the whole time. "You're supposed to marry me!"

Mary should have used Jeff's logic that twelve year olds can't legally marry, but we're going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she was too frightened to use logic.

"But... I don't want to marry you!" she shouted.

"TOO BAD!" he shouted as loudly as he could. "EITHER YOU'RE GOING TO BE MY WIFE, OR I WILL FEED YOU TO EVIL KERMIXXX!"

Mary got on her knees, put her hands together, and cried.

"Please!" Mary sobbed. "I'll do anything! Just please let me go!"

"Hmm...." EVIL PATRIXXX said, rubbing his chin. After a moment of thought, he finally spoke. "I'll tell you what, I'll send you on a mission with the rest of the crew. If you do good, I'll hold off marrying you. If, however, you fail, then we will be married tomorrow!"

"Go on a mission? Like a killing spree?" Mary asked.

"Oh no, that's what the so called 'Creepypastas' do."

"Well what do we do?"

"Instead of killing people we go around helping anyone who needs help!"

EVIL PATRIXXX turned around and faced the stairway, and shouted: "TROLLPASTAS, ASSEMBLE!"

Since 12 year olds think "Creepypasta" is cover-all term for Creepypasta characters, we're going to do the same with Trollpasta characters.

Everyone dropped their cards, ran up the stairs, and lined up.

"Alright, listen everybody!" EVIL PATRIXXX said to them. "I want you to take Mary Sue Perfectpants on her first mission. KERMIXXX, I want you to show her the ropes!"

"Okee!" replied KERMIXXX.

"Let this serve as your only warning, Mary," said EVIL PATRIXXX "If you try to escape, I will appear out of thin air and drag you to Hell!"

So the "Trollpastas" took Mary on her first "mission": painting over obscene graffiti painted on a public school. Fearing EVIL PATRIXXX's cartoonish threat, Mary went along, and to her relief, her first "mission" was a success. Her second "mission" was to help pick up litter on the streets and in the forest where she had met EVIL PATRIXXX.

Before her third "mission" as a candy striper at the hospital, EVIL PATRIXXX warned Mary that if she failed any of her "missions", then she would be forced to marry him. Fearing this threat, Mary went along with it.

If Mary were smart she would disregard EP's threats and try to escape. But, as we've established, she is a clown and didn't think freedom was worth dying for.

Mary slept on the dust old green sofa in the shed, while the "Trollpastas" slept in the basement. At meal times, EVIL PATRIXXX would carry up the card table for them to eat at. Mary began to miss her old life, and wondered why her parents (or the police for that matter) weren't looking for her. These questions WILL be answered shortly, my dear reader.

One evening they had sandwiches, like the ones Mary's mother used to make, for dinner. When Mary sat at the table and saw the meal that was placed before her, she cried.

"What the fuck is your problem, baby?!" asked Jeff.

"I WANT TO GO HOME!" she sobbed.

"Yeah, and I want my fucking face back!" Jeff retorted without pity or remorse. "My eyelids were practically cauterized shut! You know what happens when I feel like crying? My face feels like it is burning, you dolt!"

Mary was crying too hard to hear Jeff.

"Alright, I'll let you go!" said EVIL PATRIXXX. "On one condition! You have to always obey your parents, and promise to become a better person!"

"You mean... I can go home?" her tears decreased.

"That's what he said you fucking ass-monkey! God!" Jeff shouted, frustrated.

"I will be watching you, Mary Sue, and if you even disrespect your parents even a little bit, I will drag you back here and force you to marry me!"

EVIL PATRIXXX handed Mary the key to the shed. She unlocked the door, ran through the forest, and ran back to her house where she had a tearful reunion with her family.

"That's a wrap, everyone!" said EVIL PATRIXXX.

The "Trollpastas" took their "heads" off. By "heads" I mean "masks". You see, because of the recent virus outbreak the local community theatre group had nothing to do, and Mary's father funded this asinine scheme to set his daughter straight. As asinine as it was, it worked. Mary gave up her lolcow ways on the internet, helped her mother with their chores, and started paying attention in school. Every now and again Mary would see EVIL PATRIXXX (or should I say "the actor who played EVIL PATRIXXX in full costume") walk down the street and look at her house. This reminded Mary that she must always be good.

There was a down side, however. Mary Sue grew up to be true to her name; a flawless young heroine who could do no wrong, that everyone loved. She was nice to everyone, even assholes who a normal person would punch in the face. She helped her mother with all of her chores, won a poetry contest, made her way into the school band as a guitar player, spent her free time participating in charitable events, and even wrote a Creepypasta that won Pasta of the Month, using a sockpuppet account she was smart enough not to inadvertently expose. Mary was sixteen years old when her parents told her the truth about "EVIL PATRIXXX", and fortunately, she had become too used to being good to go back to her old ways.

Even though she was only sixteen, Mary was made head of the town's welcome comity and welcomed the main character of my next work, Shittyauthor, to the town.