Ned's Nitpicks: 0blivi0n

Welcome to the first edition of my re-reboot of Ned's Nitpicks. To make sure this doesn't drag on (and that I don't run out of comments) I'm going to skip a few paragraphs that don't effect the story. Also, since the Ocarina of Time prototype was leaked at the time I wrote this, and because I've never even heard of Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion, I was imagining all the goings-on in this story OoT.

''' I still remember my first X-Box 360. '''

This kind of makes me feel old. At the time of writing, the Hexbox (as Chris Chan would call it) is almost 16 years old.

I remember I would spend countless hours playing the few games I had,

"Instead of doing my homework, or doing chores, or going outside."

''' my favorite one being The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion. I was only eight at the time, and i '''

I'm breaking this sentence just to point out that "i" isn't capitalized.

'''had gotten the game about a month after it came out. I had beaten the game in early 2008,'''

It took you almost two years to beat a video game? Well, I guess that debunks my theory that all he did was sit around playing video games.

'''near when I learned that Skyrim was in production. I stopped playing the game after that, when I got addicted to Team Fortress 2 on Steam. It's been ten years since then, and my skills as a hacker were getting amazing.'''

Anyone else notice that the main characters of a lot of shittypastas think they're some big, awesome hacker? Let me guess, you vandalized a wiki page and thought you "hacked" into it. Or you used Game Ganie on an emulator and told everyone how you TOTALLY hacked Mario.

I could now get pretty much any game I wanted in about an hour with no trouble.

There's a difference between hacking and cyber piracy, son.

I remember hearing about the new version of the Oblivion Construction Kit that had just been released,

And it was with that I immediately knew the path the author was going to take with this story. This is going to be one of those "I pirated this version of the game, and it was all scary and shit" or "I pirated this game and I used my 'awesome hacker skills' and found something disturbing hidden in the game's code" stories.

'''and decided I would try to get a copy of Oblivion for my PC, so I could start modding the game. When I searched for a link to get the files I needed, I couldn't find any websites that worked.'''

"Every time I thought I finally found a site to download it from, this weird FBI logo popped up and blocked the page!"

My internet connection was horrible at the time, and the pages would freeze because of lag.

The internet connection isn't the only thing in this story that's slow, stupid main character.

'''I did find one link that worked, however. The page loaded up after a few seconds of waiting, and the website looked very strange.'''

"It had a pirate ship logo and the words 'PIRATE BAY' on it!"

The background was completely black, with a single red line of text saying, "Download 0bl1v10n.exe."

Anyone. ANYONE with a brain wouldn't download a strange link like that. Unfortunately, this is a Creepypasta story, so common sense doesn't exist. It literally just says "0bl1v10n", with no implications that it is ES4.

'''I was curious as to why the name of Oblivion was so strangely spelled. But I decided it didn't matter, as I could still run the game,'''

Not after your computer gets wiped because of the huge maleware and viruses you're about to get from downloading suspicious stuff.

'''so I clicked the download link. After the download started, the page changed to a new tab, but I could have sworn that before the page changed, there was a little white line of text in the bottom right corner saying, "sorry."'''

I was once on Failblog, and I got a virus, and before my computer shut itself off, the words "CHICKEN PATTIES" appeared on my screen. I'm not joking, either.

''' The download notifications told me that a folder called "-" was downloading. The download finished after about a half an hour, and I looked to see what was in the folder. The only thing I found inside was an RAR file titled "0bl1v10n.exe." When I opened it up, I found the ISO disc image, the launcher, titled 0bl1v10n.exe, and everything else that would be needed to run the game. '''

Ok, so you downloaded an .exe, which turned into a folder while it was downloading, but when it finished it was a .RAR file, which had a .exe file extension at the name of it (which would have effected the download), and inside is an ISO. Magic file.

''' I was ready to get started on modding the game. However, I had never had the Addons as a kid, and wanted to see what they were and if they affected the game-play, and I also wanted to see if this third-party version of the game '''

That's a funny way of saying "pirated".

was different from the original version, so I decided to start playing instead of downloading the Construction Kit.

If it's different, then how do you know it's not just like a "fan inspired" rip-off thingy?

'''I mounted the ISO disc image using DAEMON tools, like normal, and clicked the Oblivion Launcher. When I started up the game, The normal Oblivion Launcher Window started up like normal. I clicked Play, and the game began to load.'''

As usual, the Bethesda Softworks logo came up, and I couldn't believe that I was actually playing the game again, ready to relive my childhood memories.

Imagine being so young that the "Hetsbots Three-Sitsty" (as Chris would say) helps you relive your childhood.

It turns out my character was, for some reason, a high elf named "..."

What?! "..." is a good name! Also, tl;dr, he tells us the character's impressive stats.

'''I couldn't wait to get started. Sure, it was weird starting out as this overpowered character, but at the same time, it felt awesome, and I couldn't wait to try some of these new badass spells out on some creatures. When the Emperor came in with his blades, they let me out through the secret passage like normal, but this time, the Emperor seemed more unnerved than gratified to see me.'''

And here's where he runs into a bunch of "creepy" things.

'''I was curious as to why this was, but I continued to play the game like normal. When the first battle with the cult members came around and Captain Renault got killed, Glenroy and Baurus, instead of attacking the cult members, would try to attack me,'''

Maybe it's an anti-piracy device put in by the creators of the game? Ever consider that?

'''for some reason. When I killed all of the cult members without help, they stopped trying to kill me, and left into the prison like normal. I paused the game quickly to try and work my brain around what just happened.'''

That's nothing to be ashamed of, I have to do the same thing after reading shitty Creepypastas.

'''Not only was I an unknown character with huge magical abilities, but I was also targeted by the blades whenever the Mythic Dawn Cult members were in the room. I began to nervously start thinking that the reason that I was in the prison had something to do with the Mythic Dawn Cult, but passed it off as my imagination, and continued to play the game.'''

I don't know anything about this game, so I'm taking your word for it.

I escaped the sewers like normal, (without choosing my attributes and birthsign, of course) and decided to sell some of the junk i found in the sewers

Kind of redundant that you used the word "sewers" twice in one sentence without much space between the too, but ok.

'''I ran up to the city like normal, jumping to level up my acrobatics, and came to the market district. I was surprised when I entered the market district to find that it was empty of all the townspeople that usually wandered around, and all of the Imperial Legion Guards were missing as well,'''

I will call anyone who says this scene wasn't inspired by that part in BEN a liar to their face.

'''except for one, who stood at the entrance of the arena district. I decided to talk to this guard to see what he had to say, but when I talked to him, I saw his mouth move, but the only thing I heard was an odd, quiet murmuring sound, almost like somebody whispering in somebody's ear.'''

As I mentioned, I'm imagining this stuff Ocarina of Time since the prototype was recently found. As I'm reading this, I'm imagining the optional part in OoT where you talk to that dying guard after you get the Ocarina of Time.

'''I had to leave the talk quickly to turn on subtitles before talking to him a second time. The text that appeared when he spoke said, "They are looking for him. They say he opened the gates, and he must die, but I don't think it will stop."'''

Never having played the game, I'm assuming the unnamed "he" is someone made up for this story? Probably Satan or something.

'''I was met by a few text options detailing what I could say. My options were, "Where is everyone?", "What's wrong?", "Who are you?" And finally, "Who am I?" The last one kind of creeped me out, because of the mystery of the character I was playing.'''

I wouldn't find it creepy, I would find the prospects of finding out who the f I'm playing reassuring.

The text at the bottom was unreadable, as it was a mix of gibberish, many random letters and numbers connected together.

Plot twist: that's the character's name.

'''The most unnerving thing about this was the sound in the background. It sounded like static mixed in with a woman screaming in pain.'''

I don't know which would have been worse: the screaming woman cliche, or if it would have been distorted music/a song played in reverse.

'''I decided to go to Slash n' Smash first, because I can sell weapons there, and since I'm mainly a hand to hand user, I never carry weapons. When I talked to Urbul, I noticed his disposition with me was at 0, indicating he hated me.'''

Come on Urbul, this story isn't that bad! No need to hate the author.

I ignored this and checked his shop, which, to my surprise, had nothing in stock.

Wal-Mart, during the COVID pandemic.

When I went to the next store, the Mystic Emporium, Calindil and Aurelinwae both hated me too,

I actually giggled at this. The thought of everyone hating the MC's character reminded me of that Animal Crossing video Chris Chan made. You know, the one where all the villagers go inside as soon as they see Chris's avatar.

'''and had no items to sell. This unnerved me, and I didn't know why it was happening.'''

You're playing a pirated version of a game, maybe that's what's happening. Also, tl;dr he buys something.

'''When I came out of the shop and into the market district, I was met with a gruesome sight. I saw the people who were usually in the town, along with the guards, lying on the ground dead. By dead, I mean that they were killed in the most gruesome and horrible ways possible.'''

This went from Video Brinquedo BEN Drowned to Dingo Pictures Sonic.exe.

'''I saw one of the guards with his head and his legs lying about five feet from his torso, and the next one I saw was a villager skinned and hanging from a signpost. It was more graphic than anything I knew the game to be, and I thought to myself, “That's not possible.”'''

Do hacked games exist in the Crappypasta universe? Also, since I'm imagining this Ocarina of Time, I'm imagining a guy with his neck tied to one of those small signs that you can cut with your sword, which makes this kind of funny.

'''I saw a man standing near the entrance to the city isle, and I was glad to see somebody who wasn't dead. I ran towards the man as fast as the game would let me,'''

I would have assumed he was the one who killed all those people and ran away from him.

'''but I saw him leave out of the gate. I ran past the bodies of the townspeople to the gate, hoping I would be able to catch up with him in the open world.'''

I'm imagining this Link chasing Ganon out of Hyrule Castle, while stepping over the NPCs who are lying on the ground. And, obviously, the "open world" is the field.

I saw him leaving across the bridge very quickly,

The bridge that leads to Kakariko Village...

'''and I let myself believe that I couldn't afford to miss him. Since everyone was dead, I decided that nobody would mind if I stole a horse'''

Epona.

'''from the city stables to catch up to him. With the horse, I was now fast enough to catch up to him, and when I was close enough, I decided to talk to him to see if maybe he had any answers for me.'''

So, this guy's trying to assumably avoid you, but is willing to talk to you. Ok.

''' When I looked more closely at him, though, the man was a high elf who looked very much like my character, almost identical, in fact. When I talked to him, I was shocked to see what his name was: Mankar Camoran. In case you didn't know, Mankar Camoran is the prime antagonist of the game, so I was surprised to see him this early in the game. '''

I don't care if he's Mankar Camoran, he's still Ganon in my mind.

'''He had absolutely nothing to say to my character, and when I clicked to leave the conversation, he just vanished into thin air, like he was never there. I was very nervous and confused at this point, and I wanted to see if something had changed. I opened the menu, switched to the information section, and looked at the name of my character. In the place of the original name, “...” the name had been changed to, “Mankar Camoran.”'''

What? You don't think it's cool to play the villain for once?

But when I pressed quit in the pause menu, the game said, “You can't escape your fate.”

"The Hell I can't!" I say before closing this game down.

'''When I came back to the main game, I was surprised to find myself in a completely different location. Instead of the bridge outside of the Imperial City, I found myself in the very dungeon I started out in,'''

"Instead of being in Hyrule Field, I was inside the Deku Tree"

except the gate leading out of the prison cell was open.

Was there a Goron in it?

'''Curious as to why I was there again, I decided to just go the way I left at the beginning of the game. But before I turned my back to the open gate, a shadow rushed past on the wall behind the gate. From what I saw, it looked like the silhouette of a tall, menacing creature with very long fingers and an abnormally long neck, which resembled a spinal cord to some extent.'''

Random imagery = AUTOMATICALLY SCARY!

'''Not wanting at all to find out what that thing was, I decided to just run as fast as I could through the dungeon. Out of the corner of my eye, even as I was running, I saw the shadow gaining on me. I prayed for Camoran to run faster, for once in my life, but the shadow was catching up fast, and there was nothing I could do about that. And then I remembered. I had some of the most overpowered spells in the entire game, plus my new staff, robe, and ring. I decided to wait for whatever that thing was to come to face me, and that I would be able to fight it off. I was wrong.'''

Don't worry, buddy, that's not the first mistake you've made in this story.

'''No amount of money, or happiness, or anything will make me willing to see what I saw again. It was Emperor Uriel Septim, his robes bloodied and torn, with little chunks of flesh hanging off the many seams and furs. His fingers were so long because they had been torn out whole, with only a few tendons and nerves left holding them to the rotting hands. His spinal cord had been ripped out to the point of protruding his head about three feet above his shoulders, and his lower jaw and eyes had been cut out, and were replaced by bloody pits and cavities.'''

Rot = AUTOMATICALLY SCARY

'''The emperor began running a bit faster towards me, and I knew I had to get out of there as fast as I could, but no matter how fast I ran, the mutilated emperor would be one step closer and closer. And the closer he got, I could hear static faintly rising in the background.'''

Static isn't scary. Just saying.

'''I ran into the room where the emperor was killed, and I was glad to finally escape this nightmare. But as soon as I entered the room, I saw that my only way out had turned into a dead end. The small corridor through which I escaped to the sewers had been blocked off, and I knew that I was a sitting duck for the dead Septim. The static was now deafening, and I knew that Camoran was about to die.'''

Ok, now this story's just starting to get boring.

The moment that the emperor was about to touch me, the moment when he was just one hair away from ripping my heart out, the static stopped, and my computer screen was now occupied with a blue screen of death, meaning that the game had planted a serious virus in my computer.

Should've thought of that before you decided to download something off of a random site you've never been to before.

''' I was relieved and terrified that the blue screen had come when it did, and I let out a long, harsh breath when I realized: “This is over.” Oh, how wrong I was about that... The next day, I took my laptop to the Geek Squad to see if it could be saved. After about two weeks of waiting and playing on my PlayStation 3, I got a phone call from the Geek Squad telling me that the computer was now running smoothly, and that I could come by to pick it up. When I booted the computer up, everything was normal, except for one thing: The file, 0bl1v10n.exe, and everything else having to do with the game, was gone. '''

"And so was my other files! ... Wait, what do you mean 'The only way we could repair your computer is by wiping it'?"

'''One day in the last week, my computer had been acting strangely. Every time I logged on to the laptop, I found a single notepad window open to the desktop, asking me things like, “How are you?” and, “What now?”'''

So now we're back to Video Brinquedo's BEN Drowned. I say that, having the feeling this'll turn into a rip-off of the Celverbot conversations.

'''On the last day, which was a Thursday, the notepad file showed an HTML link. When I copied and pasted the link into Firefox,'''

I'm surprised you're not using Internet Explorer.

''' I was shocked to see the same, plain black website where I had gotten the horrible game. The red letters showed the download link like before, but unlike before, I knew when to say no, so I closed Firefox and decided to connect to Steam and play some Counter-Strike. '''

I don't give a fuck what you did. Why do we need all these pointless details?

''' However, when I opened up my Steam program and tried to put in my account information, it said, “We're sorry, but the account you specified has been disconnected. Please log in with valid Steam log-in information and try again.” '''

"MOOOOOM! YOU BIIIIIIITCH!" I shouted because she didn't clearly pay the Steam bill this month!

''' I was seriously confused. How could my Steam account have been disconnected?! I had never broken the Steam rules or terms of use, never broken any laws, or gotten any complaints from fellow users. '''

"[N]ever broken any laws" he says after pirating a game.

'''I was pretty angry at this point, so I closed out the Steam window, only to see notepad open again, saying, “Close shut the jaws of 0bl1v10n.” Realizing that my computer was telling me to play the game again, I closed the notepad window and shut off the computer. It was late, anyways, and I figured it wouldn't hurt to get some sleep.'''

SCURY NIGHTMARE SCENE!

''' I had a nightmare about the game. That god-awful Uriel Septim was chasing me through my house, and all of the doors and windows had been sealed off with wet cement. '''

I have a feeling that cement's not the only thing that's wet.

'''My only choice was to stand still and wait for the thing to come. When it finally arrived, I saw it lunge at me, knocking me to the ground, and I saw it eating my limbs off from my position on the floor. After he was done with my left arm, he moved his face closer to mine. The last thing I heard was Uriel whispering into my ear in a demonic tone, “You're mine now.” Uriel lunged at my throat in a flash of a second, and I awoke screaming.'''

This Uriel dude has some weird fetishes.

'''I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night. The image of that thing ripping my flesh off kept flashing through my mind. And I had no idea what he meant by, “You're mine now.”'''

He means he wants to mate with you. Duh!

'''I had no idea why this was happening so long after I played the game, but I couldn’t keep my mind off it, so I decided to play on my PlayStation 3. When I loaded up the system, I attempted to log in, but there were no user profiles to choose from on the system. I was getting really freaked out at this point. Why were all of my internet connections being shut down? First my Steam account, now my PSN profile?'''

The feds are closing in on you, pirate boy.

''' I had enough of video-games that day, so I went over to my friend's house to see if he was available for a movie with our old high school buddies later that evening. I was surprised to see that he was right outside his house, as if he was waiting for something. '''

"So I decided to bother him" - The MC, pretty much.

I walked up to him and asked, “How have you been, bro?”

“I got your message...” He responded glumly.

“What message?”

"DON'T FUCK WITH ME, MAN!" I shouted as I grabbed him by the throat.

''' “That message you sent to me on Steam. How could you say those things to your best friend?!” Seeing as he seemed not to know, I told him what had happened. “Um, bro, my Steam account was disconnected yesterday. I couldn't have sent any messages, good or bad...” “Well you did! Because I got a message to my Steam account from you telling me that I would know what it's like to have my bones crushed!” “What the fuck?! I never sent those messages!” I yelled in shock. “Well who sent them then?!” “I don't know. But I think I'm being stalked by a hacker anyways. My PSN profile was shut down as well.” “Weird...” He said, shrugging his shoulders. “Well, if you're right about this, and you better be right, then let me help. I know a thing or two about putting up defenses against hackers.” '''

This is one of the most infantile pieces of dialogue I've ever seen in a Creepypasta. The main character claims he's old enough to have finished high school, yet he and his friend are bickering like a bunch of kindergarteners.

''' “Thanks, bro,” I gratefully replied. I was glad that I could finally tell somebody about all of this crazy shit that was happening, and that maybe he could help. When we got to my house, we went into my bedroom and booted up the laptop. When I had put my password in and opened Windows, Deafening static sounded, and I almost got a heart attack from what I saw. My desktop photo had been replaced by a screen-shot of the undead, mangled Uriel Septim, rushing at the screen in a rage. '''

Imagine having an actual heart attack over an image of a video game character.

''' Under the image was the text, “LEAVE NOW! HE'S MINE AND MINE ALONE!” My friend screamed, jumping up out of his seat extremely fast, and flew up against the wall. '''

LOL!

'''It didn't take too long to understand what had happened. When I looked away from the screen to my friend, I saw blood streaming down the wall behind his head on the wall, and his eyes were starting to glaze over. I was too terrified to do anything but start crying. I couldn't even get off the bed I was sitting on. I knew that my friend had met his end, and I couldn't have felt worse.'''

Imagine dying just by hitting up against the wall.

After about two minutes of just sitting there crying, I finally brought up the courage to pick up my cellphone and dial 911.

Sorry, they're too busy arresting people who make lost episodes to give a fuck. That's why Jeff the Killer hasn't been caught yet.

'''While the dial tone was ringing, I noticed that notepad was open, and the text said, “Finally. I can have you all to myself. Wouldn't you agree?” When the police arrived, I was too scared to do anything while they examined for evidence.'''

You pirated a video game and then told the police about it? I suppose you were going to go to jail anyway for abusing an emergency line, so why not confess to a cyber felony?

'''They said that the cause of death was a skull fracture that pierced shards of bone deep into his brain, as well as severe internal bleeding. The police took me to the station to ask me a few questions, and provided a hotel room for me to spend my nights in temporarily while they moved the body.'''

Why would it take that long to move a dead body?

'''The drive to the hotel felt like it was one of the longest drives of my life. I just couldn't stop thinking that it was my fault, that if I hadn't asked for his help, hadn't brought him into this, then he would have been okay. But I had to be selfish. I had to worry about what would happen to me if this went unchecked, rather than worry about what would happen to him.'''

We really can't feel you on this one because we didn't know who your friend was until you had your little tiff. Kind of hard to give a fuck about a character that we only knew about for a few seconds.

'''When I eventually got to the hotel, all I wanted to do is go to sleep, so I just dumped my luggage at the foot of my room's bed, and passed out the moment I hit the covers. I shouldn't have.'''

"I had fun writing the first nightmare, so here's another one" I imagine the author saying.

'''I had the same nightmare as before, except that instead of me, my friend was the one being eaten alive, and I was just lying on the ground watching the whole thing. I felt like that was the last time I would ever see him again. I woke up shivering and crying. This was too much for me to handle. I knew that I couldn't just live my life like this, and let Uriel torture me like this. I had to find a way to end this. So I decided to do one of the things that I would normally regret to the fullest.'''

Uriel is like a poor man's version of BEN.

'''I slid my laptop out of the computer case and held it in my hands for one last time. Then, without regret, I threw the computer against the wall. Hard.'''

Apparently he lives in a house made of concrete since the walls are strong enough to kill someone and break a computer.

I picked up the remaining pieces of the computer, piled them together on a desk, and used my pocket knife's corkscrew function to destroy every last circuit board.

Dude, it's already destroyed! You could have even sold the parts that weren't destroyed as spares, idiot!

I carried the pile of junk and cables and threw the whole lot of it off of the balcony.

Tomorrow's headline: "MAN THROWS LAPTOP OFF BALCONY, KILLS PASSERBY BELOW"

It was ten floors down, so I began hoping that I had nothing to worry about.

You're more concerned about destroying a fucking laptop than you are killing another human being.

''' To test whether it was over or not, I tried to sleep once more. This dream wasn't a nightmare, to my surprise, but a fairly happy dream. I was in my old house, which was spotless, well lit, and had a merry aura around it. And my family was there, along with my friend: All of the people in my life that I cared about who passed away, and they were all there, smiling at me. I noticed there was a Christmas spread on the dining room table, and that the radio had turned on to one of my mother's favorite songs: Hey Jude. '''

The ending scene of Ocarina of Time where everyone's celebrating...

I woke up at about seven thirty in the morning

7:30 would have been better, but whatever.

''' feeling the best I had felt in months. I couldn't believe it. It was over! It was all over! I was so happy, I woke up one of the guests next door with my laughing. But I didn't care who was mad. I was having the best feeling of my life. '''

So, we have only one paragraph left in this story, and I'm sure we're going to get one of the following:

A) It's not really over

B) Tell me if you find a copy/if you see this game DESTROY IT!

C) I'll never play this game again!

Later on in the next couple of years, I got a new computer, graduated college, got married, got a job as a computer designer at Microsoft, and started a family.

LOLing at this load of happily-ever-after bullshit.

'''But then, I remembered. There was still something I had to do. I opened up Firefox, looked for the website with the black background and red text, and I used my knowledge as a hacker to destroy the website, so it could never hurt anyone again.'''

"Then I went to prison for hacking into a website, and lost my job at Microsoft. My wife met an honest man while I was in prison, and has since divorced my ass. Since I'm now a convict, she obviously got custody of the kids, who love their stepdad more than they ever loved me. The end."

'''And that's where I am now. I'm having the best life I could ever dream of. And to this day, I have never touched a copy of Oblivion ever again, and because of the events of two years ago, I never will. And I can rest easy now that I know that nobody will ever find that game again.'''

Option C, I "c". Get it?