Ned's Nitpicks: The Hunt for the Slender Man

'''I opened the chest which held tons of weapons stacked up on eachother.We had? AKs with tactical lights.'''

This story starts with a spelling trainwreck.

Tonight was the night; the night we hunted for the Slender Man.

And do you have a reason for doing this, or are you just doing it for the ducks of it?

My friends and I had wanted to investigate the random kidnappings we have had in the past.

"Me and my friend kept getting kidnapped then escaping. Now we want Slender Man dead so he stops bothering us."-- What it sounds like anyway.

The Slender Man has been spotted in this area.

Did you find this out by news reports or on a forum? You have to tell us these things. A story can fall flat with even the tiniest bit of detail missing.

'''We got into our Jeeps and drove out to the woods. There were 8 of us when we went in, and only 2 of us came back out.'''

If random people can just waltz into the woods and kill Slender Man why doesn't the army or someone who is actually trained?

It was a long back road to where we had to go, windy and dark.

You can tell us that but not how the Hell you knew Slendy was in your forest.

I had mixed feelings about going for this, the Slender Man couldn't even exist and we would just be wasting our time.

I thought you said he kidnapped you guys!

That's not what happened.

Of course not.

'''We reached our destination in the middle of the woods. We formed up in our squads and walked into our mission from hell,'''

Only lamer.

but at least I wasn't in the back.

They wanted you to die first so they put you up front.

As we were walking?

What is with all the random question marks. Is this supposed to be some kind of "cool" styling or is it you not bothering to use proper punctuation.

'''I felt we were being watched. We? were? being watched.'''

The? Question mark? Thing? Is fucking annoying? Stop it,? Shithead?

'''A swift movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. I took a glance over there and saw nothing. I? dismissed it as an animal.'''

Crappypasta cliche: I saw something but wrote it off as nothing.

One of our guys, Nick, who I've known since Kindergarten, had to go take a piss.

Very enlightening.

He went behind a tree while the other man in the group decided to sit down on a fallen tree.

Lazy bitch.

'''"What if this thing doesn't even exist?" I asked.'''

Finally a question mark in its proper place.

"Then we will head home and tell the stories to our grandchildren," Bradyn kidded back, he was our leader.

He is your leader yet you don't mention him until he has a lame piece of dialogue.

We started to feel uneasy after Nick didn't come back after 15 minutes.

Bye, Nick. You were as useless to your team as you were to this story.

He had drank a couple of beers before we went out here,

Great, a drunk with a gun. Let me guess he was also fat, had a beard and wore thick black glasses like any other redneck.

'''but he didn't have any bladder problems. I walked over to where he went to piss.'''

And then he got pissed off (pun intended maybe) that you saw his taking a leak. It was at that moment he decided you would be the sacrifice if needed.

'''"BOO!" Nick yelled. I jumped back about 30 feet. He scared the shit out of everyone else too. He started laughing, loudly.'''

I hope Nick gets killed. My prediction, he later falls into trouble and everyone thinks he is just joking or some shit. And no, I did not read this story beforehand.

'''"You should have seen the look on your-" He didn't finish his sentence. A large tentacle grabbed him, and he began yelling for help.'''

Oh, guess I was wrong. Cool!

We were too afraid to do anything.

So we stood there like a bunch of pussies while our friend was pulled in. We are supposed to be hunting the Slender Man and could have followed his tentacles to him, but we were too busy shitting our pants and sticking crayons up our noses.

As whatever it was pulled him into the darkness, we heard one final scream before we all ran as fast as we could to get the hell out of there.

Yeah our friend was getting brutally murdered but we're a bunch of pussies so we ran away instead of taking the opportunity to kill the thing we are after. We sure is smart!

'''We got to the Jeeps and 3 guys got in. I barely knew them.'''

Yet you went with them anyway.

'''A loud growl emerged from the woods, as a giant tree fell on the Jeep with the guys in them. They were crushed and killed instanly.'''

You can't not find this funny. This is like something out of Godzilla.

'''I opened up on the darkness trying to kill whatever lay out there. We all ran in an opposite direction from the Jeep, which wasn't the smartest thing to do.'''

So how many of you were left?

I was scared like a little girl in a haunted house at the carnival.

Oh believe me, pussy. I could tell.

I reloaded and collected myself.

Reloaded with a beer, probably.

We walked deeper into the forest, which was our second mistake, I wanted to run home crying for mama out of here.

Wuss.

'''Run and never come back. Part of me, the suicidal part,'''

... wrote a creepypasta and posted it online.

wanted to see the Slender Man, to see if the stories were true.

You just saw your friend getting kidnapped by him. What does he have to do literally hit you on the head for you to believe him?

We tried to call for help, but AT&T doesn't cover this one 10 feet square we are in.

AT&T sucks and only poor people who cannot Verizon uses it.

"If I make it out alive, remind me to drop AT&T for Verizon",'''

LOL! I swear TO GOD that I did not know he was about to say that!

Drew said, but he didn't get the chance.

Now here is something I can predict happening...

'''A featureless face appeared and swooped its giant arm, swatting Drew away like a fly. A loud crack followed the hit, a sickening crack. It sounded like crushing an ant between your fingers, just times thousand. Again, I found myself running as fast as I could away from the damned beast. What was it? No one said anything when we stopped. Two guys from our group said goodbye and ran off. Only Bradyn, Harrison, and I were left in the group. About an hour into walking back to the Jeeps, we heard screams, blood-curdling screams of agony. It made me want to cry, but I kept cool, if I start to freak out, it could have a ripple effect.'''

Not really a comment about this paragraph, but why in the Hell does Slendy just kill all of them at once and save himself the trouble? I mean he TOTALLY has to get back to his beautiful mansion where he plays foster daddy to runaway kids.

We got back to the Jeeps but "it" was there, standing 10 feet tall with 8 tentacles as well as 2 dangly arms coming from it's torso.

"I still need proof that the Slender Man exists"-- Main character probably.

"Go on, I'll kick this thing's ass," Bradyn said as he pulled out two Magnums.

I'd like to see you try, little man!

'''"GET IN THE CAR!" he commanded. Without hesitation, Harrison and I ran into the Jeep and drove away. It was the final scream that got me the most. It was so close yet so far away. We drove along the windy road, getting to a part where a tree blocked the path, and heard a growl.'''

We drove away as our friend was murdered, not even trying to help him. Let alone trying to kill Slender Man while he is distracted.

'''I came to my senses, everything was a blur. I couldn't tell if I was dead or alive. I looked around, it took awhile for my eyes to adjust and get my vision back. I was being dragged, by something. A stick bounced and hit my face, then I decided to get away.'''

I like how he just decides to walk away from his kidnapping. Like it is that easy.

I twisted out of the grasp of the thing that was holding me.

Real threatening monster there.

I didn't get 10 feet away until I was knocked out again.

Is this a trollpasta?

'''When I came back a second time, I was tied up to a tree, about 15 feet in the air. I was hanging from two branches by my arms,'''

Well at least you weren't able to escape again. That would have pissed me off.

which hurt a sharp pain, like they were broken.

Your arms or the branches?

I glanced towrds the ground and saw 5 monsters that looked like they were made out of sticks glued together neatly.

Then light a match and burn them all!

'''They spoke in some sort of growling language. After their leader growled alittle bit, the little monsters scurried off.'''

It's like the main character wandered off and ended up in Hotel Transylvania.

'''Then, there he was, the Slender Man, with 7 nasty tentacles and 2 long, dangly arms. It was a great sight. Except that I was probably going to die.'''

Great "comedy" there.

The Slender Man slowly walked over to me and stuck its featureless face right up to mine.

And then we kissed.

'''I kept a pokerface on and he turned away. He had 5 bullet holes in his head and a large bloodstain smeared around it. I examined his slimey tentacles, he was holding a corpse, ripped opened and chewed up.'''

He stood still and let me look at him.

'''Then it connected, I realized he had eaten all the people he killed and stolen. He ate those kids, he ate Nick and the others. I was next on the menu.'''

He doesn't kill everyone he kidnaps. Apparently he has a mansion full of edgelord pants shitting JtK knock-offs.

'''In a fit of rage, I started srceaming and squirming, trying to break free of this infinite, hellish nightmare. It was real this time.'''

Yet somehow this does not feel threatening in the slightest.

The Slender Man slowly put one of his huge arms over my face and I instantly calmed down.

We get it, you guys wanna fuck!

I started breathing heavily, it turned around and continued growling to the leader of the stick creatures.

Anyone else thinking of the monster from From Hell It Came?

Which now I realized the name of those creatures were the Willow Men.

Why does Slender Man have an army of stick people?

They kidnapped the people and kids and took them to the Slender Man.

Apparently kids aren't people.

To this day I've never figured out why.

Because they're assholes, that's why. I don't think it needs further explanation.

'''I started inspecting all of my surroundings to find a way out. When I noticed that there were 10 trees with corpses hanging from them, blood dripping down and onto the lush forest earth.'''

And some asshole making a video about it, only to make a follow-up where he "cries" because he is "sorry" for it.

'''The corpses were also 15 feet from the ground. I looked to the middle and there was a giant symbol, surrounding it were Willow trees, it looked like null set symbol from when I was in Algebra class, but this one looked much more... It hard to even describe.'''

I never seen the null set symbol so I'm lost.

The Slender Man turned and started to examine me, he felt me with his tentacles,

Anyone wanna bet that Slender Man and the main character were turned on? I swear this better not end with them fucking!

my stomach turned, I wanted to vomit.

"I couldn't take another moment of him not kissing me!"

'''It felt like sliding around in pissed on spoiled milk while having to drink. He stop touching me and just didn't move. I knew I was dead.'''

I would be bored if I were you.

There were multiple loud cracks off in the distance, The Slender Man walked over to the nosie and the Willow Men followed him.

Nosie? What is that the Nose Monster?

'''This was my chance to escape, I glanced around. The branch that was hanging by a very small amount because of my fit. I started squirming and the branch broke off, I untied the rope and ran.'''

Then I ran right into the monsters who tied me up again, but that's ok because I can apparently escape kidnap real easy.

Who knows, maybe the Slender Man would forget about me and eat the other people who were in the woods.

Selfish!

'''The woods at this time were the eeriest thing possible, but I pushed it from my mind. I slowed down from a sprint to a brisk jog, something moved out of the corner of my eye.'''

It was the swirly head man from The Theater.

'''I glanced at it, nothing was there. As I passed by some rose bushes, I saw behind it a willow tree. The rose bush rustled and I backed up, with my fists ready. A Willow Man stepped out and tried to grab me. I threw a punch to its face. It connected and it drew back. It counterattacked with a scratch and another. Then it stabbed me with a sharp branch, I fell back. I picked up a small log. I threw it as hard as I could,'''

I got impaled but didn't die, instead I lifted a 700000 pound log and threw it like Hercules.

'''it hit the creature with a sickening crack. I grabbed the log and smashed it against the monster, again and again. Until I knew it was dead.'''

You do realize you can light a match and burn the fuckers to death, right?

I had a large wound were the stab wound was, I continued limping.

Oh, I assumed you were stabbed in the chest. You see you didn't tell us 'where' you were stabbed and left us guessing.

'''I was walking when I noticed a small light in the distance. I limped as fast as I could.'''

Plot twist: it's Slender Man.

'''I got to the light and I entered a small town, I continued walking not seeing anybody on the streets. In the town was a hospital with 15 cars in the parking lot. I stumbled over and dropped to my knees in the parking lot and dozed off. I was floating.'''

Now here comes the obligatory Crappypasta hospital scene.

'''"Is he going to make it?" The nurse asked, expecting a bad answer'''

Would a nurse really give a shit if a patient makes it?

"He will be fine, he has some lacerations around his legs and torso. Other than that, he should be well soon," the doctor repsonded.

I read this in Doctor Nick Riviera's voice. Now this scene is funny to me.

'''A silence fell and all you could hear was the heartbeat monitor beeping at normal pace. Then it picked up, the doctor rushed over to him.'''

Man, I would hate to live in Creepypastaland where getting stabbed in the leg requires treatment with a heartbeat monitor!

''"We need to stablize him! Get the morphine!" The surgeon yelled.'''

A heartbeat monitor and morphine... Damn those stab wounds on the leg!

'''The room was pitch black, I could barely see my own hand waving in front of my face. There was a loud bump. I stood up and traveled towards the noise, it got louder and louder as I drew near. When I got to it, there was a mouse sitting there, just staring through me, like I wasn't there.'''

What the fuck just happened?

'''I ignored him for now and continued on. There was a small door in the distance, I walked towards it.'''

And found that it led to a room where a patient was being opperated on. I wish I hadn't wandered into this random room because the sight of open heart surgery made me want to vomit.

'''"Alright we have him calm now, what the hell happened?" asked one of the newbie doctors. "He had a minor heart attack, or what we believe to be a heart attack. It could have been worse," replied a veteran doctor. He was experienced and was in charge of the operation. "He has multiple fragments of wood within his system, we need to remove them in order for a full recovery."'''

Let me guess, it's the main character and right now he is having an out of body experience or something.

'''I got to the doorway and there were two people dressed as doctors slicing open this man. Except the man wasn't on anesthetic drugs to knock him out. He was strapped down, he was screaming and yelling for help.'''

Oh. Ok, this isn't a "Plot twist: I AM DED!", it's a POINTLESS VIOLENCE MAKES IT SCARY, U GUIZE!

'''When he open his mouth, nothing came out. This shocked me and I drew back, stunned by the sight I just saw. I collected myself and continued to walk.'''

Instead of calling the police on doctors who were performing an illegal surgery or the medical board, I went on my merry way like the selfish ass that I am. Yay me!

'''The next window I looked into I gazed as a young girl was being attacked by this older man. I tried to kick down the door and help, but it wouldn't budge. I felt useless as she was raped and killed right in front of me. I pushed on, I had no idea where I was going.'''

It sounds like you have no idea where this story is going. We shifted from being a story about Slender Man to "Horrors of the Mental Institution".

'''"We can't operate on him, what if has one of those spasms again! He will kill himself!" a veteran doctor explained. "It would be homicidal!" "What are we supposed to do then?? Why don't you tell me??" The Surgeon demanded. "Just wait a little, if he goes a decent amount of time without another spasm, we will operate." They waited, the tensions grew tighter and tighter.'''

What was the point of this?

'''I came upon a fork in my paths, my gut told me go right, so I went left. Something said in my head to go left, so I followed like a mindless zombie. As I followed the hallway and it lead to a large room with cages. As I walked by a man in ripped up clothes jump toward the bars and tried to grab me, pleading for food. I wanted to give him something but I had nothing.'''

Seriously, what the fuck does this have to do with Slender Man?

"Alright, its been 20 minutes and nothing happened. Let's begin," The Surgeon said.

It's been 20 minutes since this story had anything to do with Slender Man! Also, I'm skipping the rest of this because it's just "I wandered into this room and there were people being tortured in it" over and over again.

'''I woke up the next moring still in my bed, a large tray of breakfast foods on my lap, it was 8:00 AM. A nurse smiled at me like she wanted to be up this early. I thanked her for the meal and ate it quietly, not to disturb my neighbor. I reached to my left to grab my TV remote and flicked it on. The news was tuned, I was about to change it when a thing caught my attention.'''

'''"Mysterious murders have been trumping the New York City Police, more news on the way," the reporter said. I changed the channel went back to sleep.'''

Murders in New York City... So where's the news?

"It is on the way, the special delivery. 6 days, Harrison, 6 days," the voice chanted.

'''"I had to wait 1 more day then I'm out of this bed and can continue with my life and come back onto the Army Base, Fort Minor. Hell Yes!" I thought to myself before I went to sleep.'''

'''"I warned you, you didn't listen. Here he comes to ruin your day. You'll regret not listening to me. YOU GET WHAT YOU DESERVED!" The voice yelled.'''

Most people don't.

'''I woke up, startled, the hospital was a disaster. The doctor's corpse laid skewn across the room. I got up and wobled out the door, I needed to leave. I passed the remains of two nurses, there was writing on the wall:'''

'''YOU'RE NEXT, HARRSION. YOUR TIME HAS COME!'''

"It didn't make any sense. My name was Richard!"

I kept moving, there was a pistol on the ground next to a dead cop.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have skipped all that shit because maybe, just maybe, we were told what the fuck happened. But then again, I doubt it.

'''I picked it up just in case. I started walking down te stairs when a large tentacle came from the bottom.'''

Use your "I just walked away from a kidnap with ease" skills.

'''I shot at it with the M9 I picked up. It retreated after a couple of shots. I turned around and went down the back staircase. I got to the exit and pushed open the door. There was my Jeep, with the scrathes all over it. I got in and drove to my house.'''

I just waltzed out of a hospital.

'''When I got there, it was wrecked. I got out and ran in, gun at the ready. The door was half of its hinges and there was my dog, smushed up against the wall.'''

Animal cruelty makes it scury guyz! You were away, the poor thing would have starved to death if Slendy hadn't used it as a soccer ball.

'''I stopped and stared at this. then,'''

Period, lowercase word.

'''I heard and audible scream from upstairs. I kicked in my bedroom door to see wife in the clutches of a tentacle.'''

Plot twist: she was cheating on him but he is so stupid he thought it was a kidnapping. Also, nice. Kicking the door down while your wife is on the toilet.

I shot the pistol at it and it recessed out of the window with the love of my life.

Now this is starting to sound like King Kong.

'''I bolted to the window the see, him. The Slender Man, he waved at me and teleported away.'''

What a nice man.

'''I walked over to my phone and dailed a number. "Hello?" Anthony answered.'''

Dailed. Fucking "dailed".

'''"I need your help, get your best men and meet me at the airport," I commanded. "Its that creature again, isn't it?" he asked.'''

I tried to hold off pointing out multiple dialogue in one paragraph, but now I have nothing else to say...

"The thing has my wife," I stated.

She was probably a bitch anyway.

'''It was 3 hours later when we met at the airport. Our weapons were checked. Alex landed plane, a C-47. I got aboard, Anthony sat next to me with Jerome across of me. I examined my G36c, I loaded the clip. It was a long ride to Africa, when we got there, we were greeted with two Jeeps the local people lended us. They were used for wild safaris. They were perfect. We boarded and drove off.'''

'''"Do you have any idea where we are going?" Jerome asked.'''

"Just focus on driving," I told Jerome.

We were driving for 25 minutes when we saw an abonded building, it seemed out of place.

I'm just grateful that it wasn't a beautiful creepy mansion in the middle of the woods with Jeff running around.

'''"Go there, thats where he is." I told Jerome. He swerved over to the house and parked out front. We disembarked and gathered around the door.'''

"Breech it," Anthony commanded.

'''PVT. Courtson kicked open the door and lead us in. I was the third on in line. We kept walking down the hallway, passing windows to our right. Wall to our left. We found another door. All of a sudden, a creature bursted from the vent and attacked CPL McCoy. I shot it off of him, but it was too late. We opened the door to find that it lead to a cafeteria.'''

What kind of building are you in? Also, "Yeah, the thing killed this guy but we kept walking because we're assholes."

'''I glanced up and saw the Slender Man, he went into a different room. A bunch of little creatures started bursting from the vents and windows. We opened fire.'''

Slender Man is supposed to be scary yet he keeps running away like a kid.

'''"Go! We will take care of these things, hurry before you miss the window," Alex exclaimed. I sprinted after the Slender Man. When I got over to the door, I bashed it in and aimed my gun around. I couldn't find him. He was behind me, I turned around and sprayed at his body, I cut off one of his tentacles.'''

Apparently our main character is Vishnu and has four arms so he can brandish a gun and use a knife with.

'''It howled and gurgled then hit me. I dropped my weapon and pinned to the wall.'''

"I dropped my weapon" do I need to explain WHY you got pinned to the wall, Jimmy?

I pulled out my knife and slashed his second tentacle.

Slender Man politely stood still as I hacked off his limbs. What a nice guy!

'''6 left. I dove and grabbed my rifle and reloaded. He came at me, with his entire body. I shot him in the back as I slide under him. Another tentacle came ripping of his body. It gurgled louder and let out a high pitched screech. I could still hear firing outside the room. I attacked the beast with my weapon and severed 2 of his remaining tentacles. One left.'''

I'm sorry, but doesn't looking at Slender Man distort you or something?

He whipped me a couple of times

Just when I thought they stopped acting like lovers...

'''and I fell back. He loomed over me,'''

Lord, what kind of smut is this?

'''with his final tentacle, he reeled back for the finishing hit. I reached to my belt and pulled out my knife, and chucked it at his face. Hitting him where his eyes would be. I aimed my weapon and shot of his last tentacle. It wiggled for a couple of seconds and stopped. The Slender Man fell to his knees. I pulled out my Katana. I placed the blade on his left should and severed his arm. The the right. I placed the blade on his neck.'''

I have a magical belt that can carry up to 10000000 weapons no matter how heavy!

'''"See you in hell, you fuckin' bastard." I whispered.'''

You deserve to go there just for being the main character of this story. And because you're an asshole.

'''I swung and severed his head and his body fell to the ground. I looked behind to see my wife hung on a crucifix, beaten to hell. I bolted over to her and cut her free. She was stripped bare and had many whip marks all over her body.'''

Seriously. This story is riddled with bondage, whips and now nudity! What the fuck kind of Creepypastaporn is this?!

'''Amber hugged me and started to cry. I kissed her multiple times and started to cry also.'''

Wussies. Both of you!

'''I gave her my overcoat and I carried her out of the wretched place. Anthony yelled at me to hurry up. I ran with my pistol out.'''

I carried her with my first two arms and my second set held a gun.

'''Shooting at the little spiders that came at us. We got to the exit.'''

Great. Waste bullets on defenseless insects. 'Tards.

'''"Detonate it," I commanded. Anthony pulled out a control and pressed the button. The place disappeared with a mushroom cloud. We were done. I kissed Amber as we went home on the plane.'''

The plane we had waiting for us right outside the building. Also, cinematic explosion for the cools.

(Somewhere unidentified)

Here comes an epilogue that breaks the story's first person narration.

'''"I'm sorry, I have failed you, almighty one," The Slender Man spoke. "You were defeated by a mortal. Looks like I underestimated him." Zalgo spoke "Leave my sights, I shall have the Rake finish what you couldn't." The Slender Man walked off into the depths of Hell. The Rake walked over to Zalgo and bowed. "You requested me, almighty one?" The Rake spoke. "I want you to end this weak mortals life," Zalgo commanded in his deep voice "As you wish, almighty one," The Rake sprinted away and entered the over-world. '''

The end.